The Right Reasons

Image via Arizona Foothills

It's not a secret, I have been living with anorexia for more than half of my life. It started when I was 15. I was obese; at 5'2" I weighed 150 lbs. One day, I just quit eating. I also bought a single back issue of SHAPE magazine from Booksale so that I could formulate a daily exercise regimen. For two months I ate so little. I'd lie to my friends, pretended to go to the library during recess and lunch to do school work so I can avoid eating. I avoided going out after school; I'd rush home to work out. And in those two months I lost 20 pounds.

It felt great. I felt liberated. But for every pound I lost, I'd want to lose double...triple...more. Until the liberation I felt imprisoned me. I was a slave to every calorie, to every sweat, to every pound. I was so good at this kind of lifestyle that when I was 19 I reduced myself to 106 lbs.

A minor heartache got me back to eating..though I did not gain significantly. At 21 a new inspiration triggered me to get back on track with not eating. And the workout regimen I had when I was 15 wasn't working anymore, so I decided to start running. I started to run for 30 minutes each day for a week. Then an hour each day for four months. Finally, I did an hour of running in the morning and another hour at noon. I was addicted. I was not eating. I was at my lightest...97 lbs.

Then I met my husband (then boyfriend), and we constantly argued about my condition. I tried to get out of it, and it took me a year to feel a little bit okay about eating. Then I got pregnant. I was so scared to gain weight, that I tried to diet. But the love I felt for my baby helped me make the right choice. I ate correctly, little by little. I did gain weight. I gained 30 pounds during my pregnancy.

Truthfully, I thought I'd lose the weight immediately after giving birth. I was so wrong. upon seeing myself in the mirror, I cried. I was so disgusted with the 13 extra pounds. I felt guilty dieting as I wanted to breastfeed. But sadly, there was not much milk anyway. The sleepless nights also didn't help as I had to eat to have energy. I carried 10 extra pounds from August to January...until I couldn't take it anymore. But for my darling daughter...I wanted to do it right.

I jogged for 30 minutes each day, kept active, I ate regularly (but I gave up rice). The weight was so hard to get rid of. I am smaller now, than before I got pregnant. But I finally realized, that I should be doing these things for the right reasons.

Now, I do not want to lose weight to be skinny, I just want to have daily workouts and eat healthily to be able to be with my daughter and husband as long as this life permits me.

:)

Oh, and I also started doing yoga. But I'll save that for another post.

What Melts my Heart

This afternoon, I took time washing my daughter's cups, bowls, plates, and spoon. I took time to check in on my work, brush my teeth--I did all these things slowly. I wonder why I always feel like I am losing time; and when I don't...I feel a bit insane. It's like worrying has always been a part of me.

A year ago, while washing my baby's bottles, I thought to myself: Is this going to be my life? Looking after my daughter daily, making sure everything and anything she needs would be met? The answer is always YES. And last year I was so scared that I would reach a breaking point, that somehow I'd burn out.

But just this afternoon, it hit me. I am never ever going to be too tired to be a mother, nor will I ever burn out. Because as I was washing those cups and bowls I made a mental list of the things Bean does that melt my heart.

1. When I am busy doing anything that does not concern her, she approaches me and with the softest voice she calls out, "Mama," and I turn to look at her to ask what she wants. She just puts her arms around me, kisses me and says, "I love you."
2. When things get too stressful at work, or when I get sad...she takes my hand and says, "it kay," which means: "it's okay."
3. Every time I fix myself up in front of the mirror, she does the same beside me. She asks me to look at her, and tells me, "Mama is pretty."
4. During the times I sweep the house, she takes a broom of her own and "cleans," saying: "help mama clean." (and she hums little melodies that make me smile)
5. When she bumps into me, or makes a mess of something I am doing, she tells me she's "soyee." (for 'sorry'
6. At night, just before she falls asleep, she holds my my hand and softly says, "sleep mama."

I may have missed a lot more, but these six things....now who'd get burned out with that? :)

Early Mother's Day Treat

Mother's day isn't until tomorrow, but I got an early treat from my husband and daughter! Oh, those two really know how to cheer mama up 'cos lately...I've been really down. Maybe, when you lose someone, it's the every day things that seems lacking somehow. But of course, we stay positive, knowing and thinking that that person is in a better place.

Anyway, guess where we went? To the doctor for Bean's appointment! But that wasn't the treat they got for me today. We went to the flower shops near the university me and my husband studied for college (but we didn't meet there...ha!). I often told my husband I love tulips, and would love to grow some if we lived in another country. But since we're in the tropics I decided I'd love me some sunflowers...potted! Here are a few photos from today.

My heart is happy!

Thank you, loves. Happy Mother's Day to all mommies out there from us to you!

A Post About Music and a Show We're Excited About

This weekend, my parents came home from vacation and bought my little princess a mini guitar (which she persistently calls "cello"). Imagine this little girl's happiness!

I admit, I may not have the best voice...or "the" voice at all, but i am hoping that this little miss has it! But it's okay if she doesn't. she's adorable to me in every way.

She also did a bit of "gardening" while I took a rest (I had an accident over the weekend which involved stitches on the inner ankles, therefore, I couldn't walk much). This little nugget really gets me! Her smile and laughter is such a blessing.

 
Speaking of music, my daughter wasn't really a fan until i let her watch Disney's "Little Einsteins." I admit, letting her watch a few shows was a way for me to grab a few extra minutes for myself. But after a period of time, I saw how she improved her vocabulary faster. She copied every line from the show. She can even name the instruments, and copy their sounds. So in other words, I found it educational. I even bought her a few more episodes to watch.

So when I heard about this upcoming show, "Sofia, the First," I went on and did a bit of research. After reading, and streaming through a few promotional videos, it's one show I'd like my daughter to watch. I even waited for the commercial on our cable channel, and  loved it when the narrator said ".....how an ordinary girl becomes extraordinary." Such inspiring words to hear, mostly to moms like me, who only wants the best for her child.

Sofia is a girl who learns about honesty, loyalty, courage, independence, compassion and grace on her journey to royalty. This show communicates positive messages and life lessons to young children.

"Sofia the First: Once Upon a Princess," will air on Sunday, May 19 at 11:00 AM on Disney Channel and Monday, May 27 at 1:00 PM on Disney Junior. The television series will premier on July this year.

Seeking Comfort

What is it with a child's innocent look?

Those wide questioning eyes....

What is it with her soft lips?

The one that pouts irresistibly...

That tiny nose?

Those little hands...

....and wandering feet.

 What is it with a child's powdery smell?

That you wish to recall every waking moment...

 That soft singing voice...

Those puffy cheeks...

...and a smile that makes your heart sing.

Top Knot

So I make an effort to be productive daily. Aside from housework, work, and chasing a toddler the whole day.... I indulge myself in things like trying to fix my daughter's curly hair!

Ha! We did it! Just today. And I'm so proud of myself that I also did my hair the same way!