Reset

This year is about to end and it sure did impart a lot of life lessons to me. Last year was about our growth as a family who loves to surf...but this one is about balance. Life cannot always be about just ONE thing. From the passing of loved ones, to Adam's masters, and then to an injury I chose to ignore which backfired at me....I can say we learned the hard way.

We got around to talking about it and we decided to trade in some surf weekends for life in the city to relax and unwind. As for me, I won't be doing any yoga, surfing or any type of exercise at present. I really need to listen to my body...which is telling me to give it a break. If you know me, I wouldn't let a day pass without exercise but I cannot afford to be hard-headed about this anymore. So I need to put up with it. The downside is: it's almost the holidays! Packed with parties and food everywhere, I sure will be ending the year a little pudgier. Yeah?

Adam, being the sweetest husband, booked us a stay at a nearby hotel. It just opened, but it was neat and we had a nice stay. Bean was the most excited about it (mostly because I told her they had a pool). We opted to stay in our room for most of the stay. We took naps, we read, played, watched TV, and we had an early dinner out.

Before putting the little miss to sleep, we played with her and told her stories. Then we had time to read, surf the net, and talk. I told Adam about how I really felt about *paragraph no. 2* and how I wanted to dedicate time to my art and learning calligraphy since I would be having time for it. I kind of regret not following through with my calligraphy since taking up a class last year...but here I am starting again with commitment.

One thing I commend about my husband is his support for the little and fickle dreams I have. One time I told him that I know the things I want to venture into are pointless...but he told me to pursue things not to earn money but to make myself happy. And I am so thankful for him everyday.

Bean and Adam had a very good sleep; while my thoughts kept me awake at 4AM. Not exactly good thoughts but I am slowly learning to set them aside and just find the joy in the smallest of things. We had a hearty breakfast and then went for a swim. Bean was keen to be swimming on her own but her fear is greater which made us decide to get her into swim classes next year; husband swam a few laps...to my dismay, my injured rib(s) also hurt when I swim. I did a few backstrokes for fun. We checked out early and then went to the mall to have lunch and do some Christmas shopping.

This was a very good weekend spent in the city and my favorite part was getting to have time to talk and relax with my loves. 2015 taught me how to stop and appreciate the small things in life and instead of trying to change the situation, I can always choose to change my perception. We hope you had a great weekend, too!

This December

Hello! Well, this blog is due for an update. Apologies, life just happened and by that I don't mean it in a positive way. Death, illness, injury and tidying up connections happened. But what do we do? We try to move on because the days won't stop for anybody. And in attempt to get on with it I decided to set up our Christmas tree this afternoon (and my injured rib made it a pain in the a**). It certainly brightened up my day knowing that I wouldn't be able to do yoga or surf this month. No workouts either.

Anyway, I don't know if I've ever shared it in this space before but I was once one of those who felt the Christmas cheer. Since I was a kid, this time of the year has always been magical to me. As soon as my grandma decorates the whole house...it happens! And the magic is completed with my grandpa playing old Christmas records which would be heard in the whole house. Before and after dinner me, my brothers and cousins would stay in the living room to stare at the Christmas tree and share our wishes for the season. There was a feeling of warmth in the cold December air. And then we grew up. And then the magic was gone.

I have never felt it in years, not until our daughter was born. It was pure delight; I felt like a little girl all over again. And I am forever grateful that she is a part of our lives. She's become my source of strength whenever I'm feeling down.

So, just a few days ago I decided to stop sulking at life. I have avoided writing here because I felt the need to guard my feelings. But now I am ready to be here again. With life's challenges ahead, we still hope and pray that this year's Christmas would still be magical.

On Being Brave

About a week ago I was sitting outside Bean's school listening to songs on my iPod. I had just downloaded a few recommended songs I've seen around in a while. I put the playlist on shuffle and there was this one particular song that got me crying. And yes, I literally cried...tears streaming down my cheeks. I was listening to Rachel Platten's "Fight Song."

As I have been sharing little by little in this blog, I am not in tip top shape; emotionally, mentally and physically. But before I delve into that I want you to see what the song is all about:

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
(Starting right now) I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep
Say I'm in too deep (I'm in too deep)

And it's been two years
I miss my home
But there's a fire burning in my bones
And I still believe
Yeah I still believe

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
(Starting right now) I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me
A lot of fight left in me

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
(Starting right now) I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Now I've still got a lot of fight left in me

When you were pubescent did you ever look up all the words to your favorite songs? And sometimes you try so hard to find meaning among those words just to be able to connect it to your life? Haha, guilty here! But this is not the case here, not when your thirty-sh. This song is me right now at this moment. 

I have openly shared that I found Yoga and surfing because I was heartbroken upon losing someone dear to me. Both helped me deal with so much grief that it became a part of my (and our) life. And then a year or so passes and we lose another loved one yet again. We lost our grandmother, our Nanay.

I am not really vocal about my feelings and I'd rather be writing it in my journal or here on this blog. But let me tell you this, the second to the last conversation between me and Nanay will always stay with me. And I have been thinking about it for a few months now.

I was sitting beside her accompanying her for lunch. She wasn't her usual lively self anymore and she didn't talk a lot because her voice was already hoarse. She asked me how I was, and I just said, "I'm okay." But I guess people who genuinely care about you, who really really know you...they can tell. And she prodded me more. Until I finally shared with her how I really felt about my life, being a mother, being a wife, daughter and a sister....and how "friendless" I have been feeling. We talked about the things I wanted to tell people but I can't for fear of judgement and rejection... to which she told me:

"Apong, lagi mong tatandaan na kailangan mo maging matapang. Kung may nararamdaman ka, sabihin mo. Kung ayaw ng tao marining yan, aba problema nila yan. Dahil lahat naman tayo may karapatan. Maging malakas ka."

(Grandchild, always remember that you need to be brave. If you feel something...you say it! If other people do not like what they hear then that's their problem. Everyone has right. Be strong.)

If you knew our Nanay, she was such a character! She may be tactless most of the time but she is always frank and direct. And you couldn't help but love her. Our last conversation was her telling the nurses how she took care of me while my parents had to work. She told them that I was such a crybaby (come to think of it, I still am! lol.) She told me what a good job I am doing in raising my daughter and the value of motherhood. And though I miss her so very much, I am grateful to have had the chance to be one of her grandchildren.

And so here it goes....I will be brave enough to write about how I have been feeling for the past few months:

I have been feeling disappointed. Disappointed and not sure if I am disappointed with myself or if it's because of the people around me. Unconsciously, I have been living my life trying to please people and trying to make them like me. Friendship does not come natural to me. When I was a kid I always got picked last...and so when I grew up I held on to those who called themselves my friends. I rarely said no to any favors (see, pleasing almost everybody). And then I always end up being discarded in the long run. I don't really know what I am doing wrong, or what I am not doing in order to keep friendships permanent. I used to have a lot of friends until we all became adults and then the ones left, I can only count on one hand. 

I have also entertained the thought of building new relationships, and I am always nice, not just because I want to please the person or make a friend, I genuinely am. But sometimes things just don't workout. Most people already discard me without even trying to get to know me.

Also, I have been feeling confused and bummed out because of making the mistake of assuming that  I can be worthy of being friends with people who appear to be cool on the outside but then end up so full of it in reality. Some people lead you to believe that they are open to everything and they live by the day.... then you find out they have issues, they talk behind your back and they bring you down with them.

And I am tired of making the effort. I am tired of pleasing people. This time if people want to be around me, if people need something from me, if people want to get to know me....I won't be the one chasing them around. Take the time and effort for me. 

I am so blessed to have a husband and daughter, my parents and a few friends who still make me see the brighter side of things. Now that I have got this out of my chest....there's no way to go but forward....move on, and be truly, genuinely happy again.

This Little Human

Oh, Gosh! I can't even begin to say how much I missed this space. You see, life has been knocking me down a few these past few months...but well, we keep on moving! Preschool has been a big adjustment to us as a family. For one, we are so used to having unplanned and relaxed schedules that fitting it around a fixed one for school really stressed me out. Another is how early I wake to prepare everything from Bean's snacks to her school things and her clothes...plus, having to choose whether to convince her to nap in the afternoon or not just to get her to bed earlier during the night. I also do not have much time to make illustrations, write, workout and unwind. Then, there is lesser time to go the sea and to surf.

Not that I am complaining. It is indeed a big adjustment because it dawned on us that instead of Bean's life molded into ours, it is now vice versa. And I knew it was to be all along. Because as much as I love art, yoga and surfing...I love being a mother most of all. And no matter how tired I get at times, I wouldn't trade this for the world! I love doing these things for our girl.

I remember when she was two years old I would jokingly ask her to not grow up too fast...and she would sweetly reply that she promised because she wouldn't like me to grow old, too. But after turning four and a lot of singing and dancing to Taylor Swift and Ariana Grande, she now wants to be a "people" (her term for being grown up which still refuses to correct).

There goes my baby growing up...and us parents growing old! Haha

That's why at this stage I do cherish our afternoons where we get to play together, make art together, and sometimes this is also the time I get to watch some of the shows I love when she chooses to do things by herself.

Still, in my heart I wish time would go slower.


Tutu and mask from Little Human & Co. Go check out their IG! Thank you so much!

It's good getting back to normal. Since June, I haven't really been really feeling like myself. When the sea and the surf is there I feel nothing. Empty. Luckily, if you have a husband like Adam, he'd be picking it up soon enough. So he planned this trip specifically for me. He told me to take my time and to stop looking at my watch. "Surf as much as you want and don't think about me. Just enjoy. Surf for fun."

As we were packing and getting ready, Adam received a message from his longtime friend, Aaron, asking to meet up. As we've already planned the trip, he tried asking his friend if he'd like to join us. And it was great that he did, for the stoke you get from surfing is multiplied when share it. I also noted to ask Krisha (JP's friend we met last year) because I have seen how much she's interested since we pushed her into her first few waves almost a year ago.

The morning we arrived, waves were around knee-high. Perfect for Aaron and Krisha. It was nice for me, too, to have a chill session and to get my confidence back in the water. I had a good two hours in there. The first wave I caught was a wipe out, but then I have gotten myself back together. Not to push myself to my limit, I let Adam surf for the rest of the day.

I was quite surprised how much Aaron and Krisha enjoyed that they signed up for more lessons! And it feels quite nice to see them stoked because two years ago, that was me. I saw myself in them. I used to be the happiest surfer in the lineup; and then I got caught up with so many things and so many negative people that I just lost it.

And I am thankful to the people who continuously help me find my way back.

The day after, the swell was a bit bigger. Also, JP left the city early to catch up with us and we're glad that he did. Everybody had fun, and I really really missed that feeling.

Now we're back in the city looking forward for the next trip, and our "surf family" that's getting bigger.