Bye Bye Baby; Hello Little Lady

I have been feeling weird a lot lately but this sinking feeling started around a month after Ellie's birth. It's as if every time I looked at my eldest I was at a loss for words with how I felt so I put it at the back of my mind and continued on mothering my girls. But from time to time my husband points out to me that it seems as if I am being a bit hard on Bean. Little mistakes she made would irk me and I lose my patience easily. So most days I keep myself on check.

Until a few more months passed and I noticed that I am indeed a little hard on her. We saw how she started losing confidence in school and became more shy. She'd start to keep to herself--telling us she'd prefer to play by herself. So I knew it was time to face what I've been denying to myself all along.

I am mourning the period of my life when it was just us two. I am not unhappy with our littlest but I miss my eldest even if she is just beside me. I look at her and I remember our own little world and it seems a lifetime ago already. I distinctly recall how I go to the bathroom and try to pee or poop while holding her; preparing and eating my meals while I carry her; how I clean the house while distracting her with her toys. I remember how I sang to her to put her to sleep--and then telling her stories and reading her books before bedtime.

I guess that's how it really is when your baby is growing up. I miss her being small but I am proud and excited of the person she is growing up to be. I have taken action about this issue in my life and I am spending as much time with her as I can before she really really becomes a teenager. LOL!

Bean right now is such a surprise to me! Her confidence is back--she even signed up for acting classes. She reads her books to me before bedtime and I am quite happy she's into chapter books already. She loves to sing and dance and is a big help to me in taking care of Ellie.

I am not a perfect mom but I think am doing a good job. Bean is a very big reminder of this for me. She is my source of strength and she is full of wisdom.

There is one memory I wish to keep in my heart for the rest of my life: It was a sunny day and I drove Bean to school. I parked the car and helped her with her bag as we walked towards the school gate. I gave her a rundown of my schedule for that day and I mentioned to her that I needed to squeeze in a run in the afternoon as I've skipped too many days of exercise. And she told me, "Why do you need to exercise, mom? You look good already, and even if you change, even if you get fat your still perfect for me. To me you're the most beautiful in the world, mom. So don't worry anymore."

Those words mean so much to me; and I couldn't for the life of me, believe that a 6-year old told me that.

I am such a lucky mom. I really am.

it's okay to be NOT okay

This space has been quiet for a long time. I may post here and there but my heart isn't into it. I do it to keep things normal....because I thought that if I didn't acknowledge what has been building up inside me for a period of time then maybe it would just go away. But sadly, it really doesn't.

I do not know how many people suffer from anxiety and I do not know if it's the same thing I've been going through or not. I use the word "anxiety" because it is the closest word I can find. It feels as if the world is about to end and I am either drowning or having a heart attack. It started a little while after Bean's birthday, mid-august. I just woke up one day et voila--there it is yet again.

This isn't something unfamiliar to me because this is the fourth time this has happened. The worst was 2008 when my anxiety escalated to me estimating the years left of every person I encounter ( a bit crazy, right?) Let me tell you that it just sucks. More so this time because now I am taking care of two kids. I have to keep it in check and not have a breakdown. But as much as I try to hide it, not talk about it, and deny it the more it seeps out in the smallest of ways--my constant impatience towards my eldest, how I shut out my husband, how I panic when the littlest just wouldn't nap or would have a change in routine. It's as if I might have a stroke at any moment. As soon as the kids sleep I also try to sleep hoping that the next day I would wake up feeling okay.

So I tried confiding a little to my SIL and husband. At first I'd tell them a little about it and then proceed to talk about other things. Then I get into a constant cycle of self-hate. I stopped painting and did nothing but stare and think when my kids were napping.

One day I just wanted it to stop. I wanted to be myself again. So I told my husband everything. All my worries and everything that I felt, describing it in detail as best as I can. And he told me: "It's okay to be NOT okay; there is no shame in that," and "It's okay to get help if you need it."

And you know what? Accepting that somewhere in me there is something wrong or broken means that it is fixable. Unburdening myself by talking honestly about it helped me feel better. I am still not a hundred percent okay and my panic attacks are still there but I sure feel hell of a lot better.
I am looking forward to go back to writing in this space (even if I know not a lot people read it) and also painting and being a better parent.

So if you think that the world is caving in, or if you feel so down and hopeless....try talking about it with someone you trust and someone who has faith in you.

Nami Island (Korea Trip Part 3)

It took me a while to get to post this and I want to be able to before Ellie turns 2. Lol. There is just too much happening at once and I feel like a wreck most days. But I will be writing about that another time.

NAMI Island was always a dream for me. Being the KDRAMA addict I am I have wished for this day to come for a long long time. There are a lot of places I wish to visit in the world, but this has always been on top of my list. So imagine my agitation when we weren't booked for a tour yet during our stay.

When we were still in Manila I carefully picked out what to wear because I wanted to commemorate this time on my life. Hahaha. Since it was late into spring I assumed it would be a little bit green this time of the year so I picked out something red in order to stand out. Now that I think about it the pictures a little "Christmas-y."

The bus ride from Petite France to the ferry going to the island was short; the boat was around 10-15 minutes. As we arrived I told Adam that there were a lot of people and I worried that it would be too crowded to get the shots that I want...not just for me but for all of us. So he told me we should head to the farthest location in the map first as most people tend to go to what they immediately see. And it worked! Thank God for my husband!

But because we arrived at lunch time most restaurants were packed and we were too hungry to wait in line. We found ourselves an outdoor table with chairs and bought hot dogs on sticks. We ate quickly and proceeded to the farthest location in the map which was the row of giant sequoia trees! I was in awe! My Kdrama dreams just came true! Bean had a blast running around, picking up sticks and leaves and exploring; while Eleanor was such a trooper just patiently in her baby carrier smiling at people.

Do you know about those "expectation vs. reality" posts? They are true most of the time when you have kids. Since Ellie likes being worn in her carrier we took turns wearing her and took turns photographing each other. There was no time to check how I looked; how my daughters looked...or even if my husband's shirt was askew. But that's what made our time and our pictures there beautiful to me: it reminds me of our teamwork as a family. And for me, we make a great team!

Our time there was limited because the  boat will head back in a few hours so we weren't really able to go around the whole island. So we will save that for next time....maybe when it's winter. For now, I am happy to get to experience this place with my family.