I can't believe it but here we are. My original baby is now in first grade. I think it sunk in really slow because I was overthinking about her first day. What an emotional roller coaster it was for me! While most parents are excited that their kids are going to school...I am totally the opposite in some aspects because to me school means I need to slowly let go.
On Bean's first day of school I woke up extra early to figure out our new schedule. I also cooked and prepared our breakfast and her packed lunch. Adam took the day off from work to come with us. A few days before the start of classes Bean already expressed her nervousness. Of course we understood why, it's a new environment and she didn't have friends yet. And one of her bigger concerns was, "What if nobody spoke English?" LOL! But I totally get it because she doesn't use our mother tongue.
We walked her to her classroom and as I held her hand I could feel how clammy it was...and I knew deep within me that she was going to cry. Surprisingly she held it in...until it was time to say see you later. I was worried that she won't be able to stop but once it was time to start she was already composed. And because me and Adam are weirdly attached to our kids we opted to wait for her there--sat in the car for hours until our girl came out. I asked her about her day and she said it was boring but she made a friend.
The next day, both of us went with her again and I told her we'd help her bring her books to her classroom because they were too heavy to carry but the guard wouldn't let me in because I was wearing denim shorts. So her daddy accompanied her. I waited outside. When Adam came out I asked him if she cried and he said she did because I wasn't able to go with them. I am a little bit worried because she's already almost seven and small changes in detail bother her so much but I guess she got it from me because my anxiety spikes under such circumstances.
I was still in a high from preparing her school supplies and snacks and I got a little excited when she told us she already made friends and that big school isn't so bad. Come the third day and I finally felt that I wasn't okay.
As we wheeled her stroller to the school gate, I told her they wouldn't allow me to bring her to her room anymore but I was also going to the admin to get a car sticker. We kissed and bid each other see you later then walked our own ways. But I stopped and looked back. Bean was pulling her stroller, her hair in it's usual bun. A tad bit taller, a whole lot older than she was last school year. My heart was breaking a little bit because how can somebody who fit perfectly in my arms grow into such a young lady in such a short time?! I feel that somehow time cheated and put everything in fast forward.
My bond with Bean is different from the one I have with Eleanor. I love them the same but the mother in me grew up with Bean. I became what I am because she was born. She is my daughter and my best friend....and she's the one who taught me all the things I know now as a mom.
Anyway, so I proceeded to get the car sticker and held all my emotions in. By the time I got to the car I was already crying. It's a mix of sadness, happiness and mostly how proud I am where we are now.I think as parents, me and Adam are doing a great job no matter how others judge us. I always tell Bean to just try her best at school and don't mind her grades too much. I never put pressure on her I just tell her that the most important thing for me is that she enjoys and that she is happy.
I am just so damn proud of her.
