I originally planned to make a post about my birthday earlier than right now...but for the first time in my life I have never been so stressed and burned out! Of course, the Christmas cheer was there and I was so excited for our little girl....but I guess it was wrong of me to paint a perfect picture of how I wanted my celebration to have been. And because of the series of events that transpired these past few weeks I have come to realize a couple of things.
First, I miss my cousin. I thought that after more than a year I'd be a little bit better. Not really, I still cry and reminisce about the great memories we had with her. Honestly, I guess losing her was also losing other people. Things are just not the same. And I know it will never be. Adam says people change, surely. I haven't really thought this through until I realized that in a way I have changed, too. Through her passing I found the same passion she had with life coursing through my veins. I found myself slowly letting go of my fears and pretensions. Finally, I knew myself and I have come to love myself as I am. I also found Yoga and surfing. These things make me extremely happy. I do not think others understand and that's okay.
Second, I realized that I do not have to be a "super mom" all the time. This month really tested me in that department. Because Bean is getting older, she imposes and tries to boss us around. She uses crying to get what she wants (huhuhu where did my good girl go?). Actually, we realized that because she is smart for her age we think that she understands us a hundred percent when she is still just a kid. So most times I learn to ignore the little things. When she makes a mess, we just get it cleaned up when she and I are in the mood. When she wants to go play and I don't....I learn to loosen up a bit and let her roam on her own (as long as I can see her). Not being a "super mom" means I can show people that I also get tired, I also make parenting mistakes...after all, nobody's perfect.
Third, it's okay to boost my self worth. Because I am the type of person who settles for what ever is handed to me, most of the time I feel that life is unfair. Well, it is when you give out all of yourself and not get the same amount back...or worse, nothing at all. Through the years Adam and I have narrowed down our friends to those who make us feel that we matter...because they matter to us, too. I used to have a hard time of letting people go....but because I get used and undervalued...I just had to. What is the point of inviting you to a gathering once a year when nobody even checks in on you? Are you still really a part of that group when they tell you lies and excuses? No. So I just let go. Starting my 30th year I should let other people work hard to get me....because all my life I have been slaving away just to please everyone.
Fourth, sometimes people you just met or some friends can feel like family too. The perfect birthday celebration that I dreamed of a few months back was like this: all my family and friends would go to the beach with us to surf or just relax and have fun. So I invited people months before so they can file their leaves and such....but of course different people have different priorities.This is okay, I guess. I still had a great time. I am double grateful to those who made extra efforts to be with us during my birthday (hi Joan, JP and Tanya) and also some people I just have come to know (hello Mac, Jay, Gizem). We drank the night before the 18th and they surprised me with a mini cupcake with a candle during midnight (so sweet.)
Fifth, I have a great husband. Adam already gave me my present a few months ago...and I never thought that he still gave me something for my 30th. It's not something material...it was a 3-day surf trip last December 17-19. Those three days...I was literally on a high. It seemed as if I won't ever tire out...but eventually I did on the last day when my arms couldn't paddle anymore. After this trip everything just stressed me out. I was really tired and a little down. And it feels really good to have a husband who is also my best friend whom I can lean on to when times get tough.
Lastly, the greatest gift I have ever received is my little girl. Though days are tough right now because she is becoming such a character...I have never felt how much love my heart could hold until we had her. During days that I feel like I am being pulled back by past issues and nightmares...every time I feel like my confidence is about to break...when remnants of my insecurities start to resurface....I just look at her and say to myself, "Oh my what a beautiful life we have created." No matter how tired I get being her mother is basically what I live for. Her happiness is my happiness.
And so, HAPPY 30th year to me!
Of course, I will not forget to share a gazillion surf pictures we took on my birthday starting with:
DAY 1: December 17, 2014
Joan and her new board, "Tyler"
We were able to surf all day together because of Tanya. We are forever grateful to her for volunteering to play with Bean on the shore while we were all in the water. I accomplished my goal a few months before my target date. Last year when I turned 29 I set a timeline for my progress in surfing. I said to myself that I should be able to catch my own waves by the time I turn 30. I told myself it would take at least a year because I have little water time and more mommy duties....but because I listened to Adam I was able to accomplish my goal two months ahead. I never thought I'd be here...but I am...and I still have a long way to go. My next goal is to be able to use Flipper, my 7'5" fun board. As you can see, I am riding my husband's 8'0" board all the time and I think we were destined for each other. Most people dislike this board. It is super unstable and you have to paddle really hard because of it's rounded pin tail. It is light with less volume....but when I use it...I am in surf heaven. I guess it's not because I have talent....it's just that I worked hard using this board. It took the whole South Swell period for me to get to know it. I have paddled out in the lineup and attempted to catch waves only to fail....but it is the only longer board we have. Through time I got so familiar with how it feels that finally, we have gotten so good together. And that's how life taught me that when you work really hard for something it will happen.
DAY 2: December 18, 2014; Birthday
We ended up drinking until around 3:30 AM...and I was still up and washing bottles at 4 AM. We said we would wake up at around 6:30 to surf but that didn't happen...obviously. Surprisingly, I am still a strong drinker and none of us had hangovers.We were able to go in the water at a little past 8 and the waves were great! What's better was....it was just me and Joan in the lineup for about an hour. So no paddle battle for us there. It feels so nice to be out there, and to catch waves. It is therapeutic and rewarding at the same time. It makes me forget all my issues and focus on the present. I find extreme happiness when I surf. Also, it is the culmination of all the hard work we've put in this past year...all the budget cuts and adjustments in schedule. We are all here right now.
Sadly, JP and Tanya had to leave early morning. But we did enjoy our time with them. During the afternoon, I did not surf. I wanted to spend half of my birthday playing with Bean. While all of them surfed, we laughed and played in the sand. Come sunset, we sat on this small wooden elevation and just admired the sunset. I love how she appreciates the beauty of nature so much. She doesn't know it yet, but she is very blessed.
DAY 3: December 19, 2014
First, I miss my cousin. I thought that after more than a year I'd be a little bit better. Not really, I still cry and reminisce about the great memories we had with her. Honestly, I guess losing her was also losing other people. Things are just not the same. And I know it will never be. Adam says people change, surely. I haven't really thought this through until I realized that in a way I have changed, too. Through her passing I found the same passion she had with life coursing through my veins. I found myself slowly letting go of my fears and pretensions. Finally, I knew myself and I have come to love myself as I am. I also found Yoga and surfing. These things make me extremely happy. I do not think others understand and that's okay.
Second, I realized that I do not have to be a "super mom" all the time. This month really tested me in that department. Because Bean is getting older, she imposes and tries to boss us around. She uses crying to get what she wants (huhuhu where did my good girl go?). Actually, we realized that because she is smart for her age we think that she understands us a hundred percent when she is still just a kid. So most times I learn to ignore the little things. When she makes a mess, we just get it cleaned up when she and I are in the mood. When she wants to go play and I don't....I learn to loosen up a bit and let her roam on her own (as long as I can see her). Not being a "super mom" means I can show people that I also get tired, I also make parenting mistakes...after all, nobody's perfect.
Third, it's okay to boost my self worth. Because I am the type of person who settles for what ever is handed to me, most of the time I feel that life is unfair. Well, it is when you give out all of yourself and not get the same amount back...or worse, nothing at all. Through the years Adam and I have narrowed down our friends to those who make us feel that we matter...because they matter to us, too. I used to have a hard time of letting people go....but because I get used and undervalued...I just had to. What is the point of inviting you to a gathering once a year when nobody even checks in on you? Are you still really a part of that group when they tell you lies and excuses? No. So I just let go. Starting my 30th year I should let other people work hard to get me....because all my life I have been slaving away just to please everyone.
Fourth, sometimes people you just met or some friends can feel like family too. The perfect birthday celebration that I dreamed of a few months back was like this: all my family and friends would go to the beach with us to surf or just relax and have fun. So I invited people months before so they can file their leaves and such....but of course different people have different priorities.This is okay, I guess. I still had a great time. I am double grateful to those who made extra efforts to be with us during my birthday (hi Joan, JP and Tanya) and also some people I just have come to know (hello Mac, Jay, Gizem). We drank the night before the 18th and they surprised me with a mini cupcake with a candle during midnight (so sweet.)
Fifth, I have a great husband. Adam already gave me my present a few months ago...and I never thought that he still gave me something for my 30th. It's not something material...it was a 3-day surf trip last December 17-19. Those three days...I was literally on a high. It seemed as if I won't ever tire out...but eventually I did on the last day when my arms couldn't paddle anymore. After this trip everything just stressed me out. I was really tired and a little down. And it feels really good to have a husband who is also my best friend whom I can lean on to when times get tough.
Lastly, the greatest gift I have ever received is my little girl. Though days are tough right now because she is becoming such a character...I have never felt how much love my heart could hold until we had her. During days that I feel like I am being pulled back by past issues and nightmares...every time I feel like my confidence is about to break...when remnants of my insecurities start to resurface....I just look at her and say to myself, "Oh my what a beautiful life we have created." No matter how tired I get being her mother is basically what I live for. Her happiness is my happiness.
And so, HAPPY 30th year to me!
Of course, I will not forget to share a gazillion surf pictures we took on my birthday starting with:
DAY 1: December 17, 2014
Joan and her new board, "Tyler"
Good luck to you out there, dearest husband.
We were able to surf all day together because of Tanya. We are forever grateful to her for volunteering to play with Bean on the shore while we were all in the water. I accomplished my goal a few months before my target date. Last year when I turned 29 I set a timeline for my progress in surfing. I said to myself that I should be able to catch my own waves by the time I turn 30. I told myself it would take at least a year because I have little water time and more mommy duties....but because I listened to Adam I was able to accomplish my goal two months ahead. I never thought I'd be here...but I am...and I still have a long way to go. My next goal is to be able to use Flipper, my 7'5" fun board. As you can see, I am riding my husband's 8'0" board all the time and I think we were destined for each other. Most people dislike this board. It is super unstable and you have to paddle really hard because of it's rounded pin tail. It is light with less volume....but when I use it...I am in surf heaven. I guess it's not because I have talent....it's just that I worked hard using this board. It took the whole South Swell period for me to get to know it. I have paddled out in the lineup and attempted to catch waves only to fail....but it is the only longer board we have. Through time I got so familiar with how it feels that finally, we have gotten so good together. And that's how life taught me that when you work really hard for something it will happen.
DAY 2: December 18, 2014; Birthday
First wave I caught on my birthday.
Gossip Girls
"Rob and Kelly moment."
I literally bail like this with a big smile on my face....all the time.
What is "stoked"?
Jayeahh
Mac.
Ummm, so this is how we should be doing it.
Our little love.
Oh, dearest.
We ended up drinking until around 3:30 AM...and I was still up and washing bottles at 4 AM. We said we would wake up at around 6:30 to surf but that didn't happen...obviously. Surprisingly, I am still a strong drinker and none of us had hangovers.We were able to go in the water at a little past 8 and the waves were great! What's better was....it was just me and Joan in the lineup for about an hour. So no paddle battle for us there. It feels so nice to be out there, and to catch waves. It is therapeutic and rewarding at the same time. It makes me forget all my issues and focus on the present. I find extreme happiness when I surf. Also, it is the culmination of all the hard work we've put in this past year...all the budget cuts and adjustments in schedule. We are all here right now.
Sadly, JP and Tanya had to leave early morning. But we did enjoy our time with them. During the afternoon, I did not surf. I wanted to spend half of my birthday playing with Bean. While all of them surfed, we laughed and played in the sand. Come sunset, we sat on this small wooden elevation and just admired the sunset. I love how she appreciates the beauty of nature so much. She doesn't know it yet, but she is very blessed.
DAY 3: December 19, 2014
Jay and Joan
Kuya Mark, me, Jay
I guess Telyn and Flipper get along so well. Haha
Kuya Mark enjoying the 8'0"
He likes this board, too.
My dearest husband inspires me to work hard
and be the best version of myself each day.
She says this is how she relaxes on the beach.
This is how kuya Adonis does it. Looks effortless.
On the last day of our trip, we were still riding good waves. It has been three days of off-shore winds with shoulder high to occasional head-high and overhead waves. Maybe this is what "UNLISURF" is. My heart feels so full and warm from this trip. I am grateful for my husband, my friends, the staff at Crystal Beach Resort and the surf instructors who greeted me all day on the 18th. I am also grateful for family and friends in the city who greeted me via text and Facebook. Turning 30 has never been so great. Until next time!
