The Truth

The truth is, I am a paranoid kind of person. I get the worst panic attacks. At first, it just brushes me ever so subtly, but I have the ability to make it so much bigger in a matter of a minute. I don't know the exact reason why it started. But I do know when it did. And I have tried over and over to end it.

2008, half a year after my grandfather's death, I went out to accompany my grandma to one of her lunch dates with friends. I was okay that morning, I even wore one of my highest heels. On our way to the restaurant, I was listening to my iPod, and thought, "What a great day! I'm wearing my new heels, and I'll be eating tons of free food!"

Well, halfway through lunch, a sudden heavy feeling hit me. There I was sitting with three 70+ year old women, talking about what they do to pass the time because their husbands were gone. My mind went haywire, with a gazillion of thoughts coming together. There were (are) so many that I can only remember this: I did not want to die. I do not want to die. Ever.

On our way home began my very bad habit (then) of calculating an estimate of a person's lifetime. have you ever seen the music video, where the time for a person's life hovers above his/her head? I forgot the title, but it was exactly like that.When I thought of my parents, my brothers, my cousins, and my friends...that's what happens. I was attending a short course on 3D designing then, and I almost got way behind because I would stare at the screen for the whole duration of class, feeling anxious, and nauseous of my thoughts. When classmates would talk to me, in my head pops, "So what are you going to do with your life? Will all of it matter? Will you matter when you die? I bet we'd just be the same."

So there, I had the worst case of anxiety, and it lasted until I bolted through my parents' bedroom door and poured my heart out. The only advice my dad gave me: "Will you be weak to let these feelings get to you? You better not because I do not have children who are crazy." And then mom: "I think you have to pray. A lot."

Well, I did. I really did fight for myself like hell. And I won, or at least I thought I did.

A year and a month after, I met a boy (now my husband), and everything was near perfection. Three months into the relationship, it came back. My worst enemy. I tried to fight it but that time, I lost. Big time! I was already working in a big government office, trying to please everyone. But most of the day I'd be crying in the bathroom. I thought my boyfriend (husband) would leave me because, there I was in true form, a nutcase.

But he stayed. He was always there for me through it all. My anxiety attacks and paranoid thoughts bought a ticket to stay. So there we were, paranoia, my boyfriend, and I. We were happy. Oh yes, we were. We even had a baby and got married.

Now that our daughter is a year and a half old, I still get those panic attacks and evil thoughts. But, the truth is...

One smile, one hug, one kiss from my daughter; plus the support and love of my husband, I am okay, and I know that even if I'm still dealing with this now I will always be okay.

This Little Miss is.....

....off to Siem Reap in two weeks to go see Angkor Wat with mommy and daddy! Eeek! As much as I am excited, I'm also worried as this is the first time we're travelling abroad as three. Bean's first overseas trip was last year (Hong Kong) with family, but she was just about nine months old then. Now that she's a year and a half, I panic at the thought of tantrums during our flight, what to pack, what sources of entertainment I could provide. Well, I better get to researching, and reading other people's advice!

Good luck to us!

Love.

My husband, my other half, my bestfriend. This day is all about him and me, plus our darling little girl. This man has made me the happiest woman, the proudest wife, and the best mother. Since today is Valentine's Day, I will take the time to write a brief note to you, my love.

Dearest,

Happy Valentine's Day! Valentine's 2009 was the first time I ever texted a boy first. And it was also the first time I almost got dissed. Funny, because I was sure I got you even before anything started between us, and secretly, I wanted you to get me too. Call it destiny, or what you may...but I guess we really are meant to be. So it was us two who loved each other, and because of that we now have a darling little girl who resembles you, yet acts like me. What a beautiful child we have! We make such a pair, don't we? I loved you then, I love you now, I will love you all the days of my life. We may have bumps along the way, but hey... I am certain it's still going to be you and me + darling daughter (+another two, maybe?)

Let's enjoy today.

On Dire Demand for Truth (An Infinite Incongruous Feat)

Time does not give me the answer, nor does it induce me with the least of comforts. Often times I am inebriated with lugubrious retrospection on the “what ifs” and “maybes”. During these periods of dejection, I feign ignorance on my state of dissolution. Cracks on my ceiling do not speak words of erudition; the night light does not register melodramatic resolutions to the illogical disputes in my head. The abrupt changes on the weather patterns of events lead me to conclude that the “id” is presently extinct. Gradual regression of desires and avidity prevail. In an attempt to decrypt the negative circumstances that had occurred, intensive scrutiny is applied to viewing the past few months of my existence—which I wish was in a fashionable “erase and rewind” condition.
Seconds turn into minutes, the latter into hours; still I find myself in the same disposition—perplexed. It is a vicious cycle occurring after dark and before daylight; when one refuses to permit change to take place.

-J.

A Day for Art

I know that crayons, and such art materials warn parents that they are to be used by children three years and up; but, because I am so excited to introduce different activities to our little miss, I gave her her first set of washable crayons a month before her first birthday. Of course, all this was under strict supervision (and still is!). At first, she just started gripping them, not really even scribbling on the papers (or on the walls), but a few weeks into showing her how crayons work, she got it! Before turning one! Now, she holds crayons, chalk, giant markers like an adult. Better than kids at preschool (sorry, proud mama!). Being supportive parents, we always try to let her explore the things she likes, and also those that she doesn't. After figuring out what floats her boat, we encourage her to develop her skills. As she has already mastered crayons and the likes, I thought of letting her try out finger painting. We bought her a set of four washable finger paints over the weekend during our lunch date. Because it was too hot in the house, I decided to surprise her and let her try painting in the garden.

Here are a few snaps of our little activity:

At first, she was curious about the gooey stuff on her fingers. I tried showing her how to use the paint by guiding her hands, dipping her fingers into the tub of paint, and then drawing on the paper...

My darling daughter kept on giggling with delight! There times that she gets a glimpse of her dirty hands, she gets bothered. But a soon as she puts her fingers on paper, and starts forming shapes/patterns/doodles...she giggles!

I guess she had a good time...but really, most of the paint ended up on her mama's face.

We really do hope this little miss would have knack for the arts so that I can say she got something from me, since her daddy already won with genetics. Lol! Have a happy week ahead!

A Lunch Date

Me and my dear husband rarely have time to go on dates with just is two. Yes, we are very smitten with the little miss, but she is just as addicted to us as we are to her. Major separation anxiety! But the recent stress with my health and work really call for a little break time. So we got my parents to baby sit for a whole day while me and Adam go out. Of course, I asked him if we could have pizza and pasta...my treat :)

And then we went to get my free cellphone, because of my new network contract. But the day just got better when we went to buy treats for Bean...finger paint, washable markers, Little Einstein episodes...

Then husband got himself a game for the PS3. Also, because going out on a date without The little miss is so very rare, we celebrated by buying a new TV for when we visit my parents on weekends. Movie nights (and game nights) are about to get better!


We really missed our darling daughter, but how we missed 'us' dates too.


Two happy parents! How, I love marriage...and family.

Outside

These days, Bean's favorite word would be "OUTSIDE". She's such a ball of energy, that we end up outside most days. She loves to run, climb, and explore. Lately, she walks in tiptoes, and tries to pull on everything with all her might. I guess we have an up and coming athlete over here! (and I know your daddy would so love that!)Her being active is the reason I dress her up a certain way. Not that I'm turning her into a boy, I just want her to be comfortable, and minimize those scratches and bruises she may get along the way. Anyway, we had lunch out with my aunts, cousins, parents, and grandparents today. This is what Bean wore:

And then we had afternoon tea with grandma, and grandpa :)