this space

It's been so long since I have opened my laptop and updated this space. I have also thought about giving this up but somehow I can't. I've been writing down my feelings and thoughts in blogs since I was a teen so....there's that. Another thing that keeps me from giving this space up is because there is too much happy memories recorded in here. So I decided to give it time and keep going.

A lot has happened in a year-- and I must admit that my mental health seems to be unstable. I haven't been vocal about it and I don't plan to be-- but to address this for myself: YES, have been suffering from anxiety for years. Not just the "gets you nervous" kind but the crippling kind. And I have been blessed to have a husband who understands and explains to me what is happening and tells me what I can do to manage it. I think I wouldn't have come this far if  it weren't for him and our little girls.

We have also been so busy ever since Bean started second grade--lots of homework, quizzes, school events. We celebrated her 8th birthday, too! Also, Ellie is at the stage where she's learning--ABC's and counting...ah but what she didn't get from me and Bean is an interest for the arts. She just doesn't like to draw or paint. She's good at molding play doh though. That's her favorite right now.

Aside from mothering--which is mainly my jam....I get by playing games on my Switch; reading books, BTS, Netflix and going to the gym twice or thrice a week. Adam and I decided to focus on our fitness and health since we can already feel signs of being in our 30's lol.

I have thought about it over and over and I don't want to spend my days planning and planning. I want to start DOING. Instead of writing down things on my to-do list I should make a conscious effort to do them so that they don't remain words on a piece of paper. Little by little I am starting to paint again. I make sure to not spend all of my mama breaks on playing games--I make sure to finish a book a week or do something creative.

Just over the weekend I bought bouquets of flowers to dry and craft something; my husband bought me glass frames and candles to my aesthetic liking...I have been feeling inspired after a long time--inspired to create and manifest the life I want to live.

letting go and getting there

The days are passing slowly in contrast to the whirlwind of last year where almost all weekends were surf trips. We have been talking about it and as much as we like the line "surfing is everything," it really isn't so. My first priority, still, is being the best mother I could be. And I love it. I love it, so.

And although we are not taking care of a baby anymore, but raising a kid, it's still all sorts of fun. Most afternoons after school are spent doing art, playing, reading, baking...and other forms of creative play.

And I am very proud of my husband for providing us with this kind of life. Sometimes we know it seems as if surfing is on top of our priority list, it is not. It's still family and parenthood. Let me share a little bit of reality: I asked Adam if I could have a work desk in our home, nothing extravagant, just anywhere I can write and paint. When I still had a job online I was working on the floor, in the dining area or on the bed. But three years ago we were still figuring out how to budget his salary, so he told me we had to wait to get a desk. Three years later, he got me a simple desk and chair...and I am so happy and grateful! It took three years to get a desk but in those three years we were able to surf, go to a few yoga classes, go on trips to Hong Kong, Cambodia, Bali, and Singapore; we were able to meet all of Bean's needs...and some of our "wants."

In my previous post I wrote that I am taking a break from surfing because I have been disheartened somewhat...but reflecting on it...about the how simple life is if we choose not to complicate it...I am letting go.

"Sometimes what we learn

and who we become in the process of waiting

is even more important 

than what we are waiting for."

Just like those three years of waiting to get a desk. I will just enjoy my journey. I will surf for the fun of it, and take whatever comes my way. No more pressure. 

getting back on track with my art

When I was a little girl our grandfather would take us out to eat lunch at a restaurant and shop at National Bookstore. It was always a treat for me (actually for all of us cousins) because he would ask us to pick one item to buy every time. I still remember my first set of watercolors (the Guitar ones in a yellow plastic casing with a free brush) I was so excited when we got home that the first thing I created were dinosaurs from a volume in our encyclopedia set. I can get lost painting; I even refuse to take baths because of it.

Then I tried out other things like colored pencils, charcoal pencils, markers...and there was also a time I was super addicted to Origami (I actually still am). Looking back, I was an artsy child...but puberty happened, I guess. I was too busy with friends and my social life that I stopped. Also, I was discouraged when my class voted for me to join this illustration contest where I went blank. My output was so disappointing even to me. This let me down; I quit.

And then in college I shifted from Biology to Fine Arts (Interior Design). This was when I was reunited with watercolor! I loved rendering classes and home works. Most of my close friends are the best at manipulating this medium that I was always a little insecure to hone my skills. I just wanted to finish my work and not put in any extra effort to do my best.

And then I became a mother. I think marriage, motherhood and surfing helped me find my way back to art. I became so inspired that I do make time for all of these things to fit into our lives. As you know, I am a full-time mom without any help. But I get to squeeze in yoga, surfing, and now...painting into my schedule. It also helps that Adam is so supportive of me. He wants me to find my passion/s; he wants me to be "me." He even put me into workshops like the calligraphy session I attended last month; and today the "Crafternoon" with Alessa Lanot from Life After Breakfast.

Honestly, I was so anxious last night because I have this tendency to belittle myself with the things I do. Also, because of the separation anxiety I have with my daughter which I am really working on. But Adam always reminds me to just have fun...because I am doing it to learn for myself and not for anyone else; besides, the fulfillment would be mine.This mentality got me to enjoy today's workshop. It also helped that my cousin Mel was there, too. The lessons were so organized; and the step by step instructions of Alessa made it so easy to understand. It was my first time using radiant concentrated watercolor ink. It was so great to use! I love illustration...but creativity is a thing I lack because I'm the kind of person who prefers things black and white, organized, and neat. I try really hard to think out of the box.

Here are a few exercises that we did:

I had a grand time letting my creative juices flow; and also finding inspiration from others' work, too! Also, I came home to a happy girl...and happiest when I bought her another stamp set. I hope everyone had a good weekend!

Project No. 3

"To be loved by someone is to realize how much they share the same needs that lie at the heart of our own attraction to them. Albert Camus suggested that we fall in love with people because, from the outside, they look so whole, physically whole and emotionally 'together' - when subjectively we feel dispersed and confused. We would not love if there were no lack within us, but we are offended by the discovery of a similar lack in the other. Expecting to find the answer, we find only the duplicate of our own problem.”
― Alain de Botton, On Love

I had a hard time thinking of what to do with this week's theme. I read the lines about five times, seeming to get lost, yet I couldn't help the familiarity it brings me. I was once lost and searching for love. And yes, subjectively, it can be 'perfect' at first, or it manifests to be. As two people get to know one another, the cracks begin to show--and there you are--two people lacking some things, here and there. You are not really a perfect fit, but you can make it out to be. It's just what it is.

Oh, well...this love brought me a little girl who is snoring beside me. 

You can see my friend, Lora's work on her flickr account. 

Project No. 2

We were like matching bookends, 

almost touching but with volumes between us and stories, 

so many stories.

-Iisa J. Bick

It is week two of our photo project. I found it hard to make a picture this week as I am taking care of my sick little girl (besides work and household chores). 

That line above, I chose it as our theme this week because most times that's how I feel towards myself. I am still me, but motherhood changed me a lot. The new responsibilities and new priorities gave birth to a better version of me; but somehow, I lost a bit of the good stuff the former me possessed. It is quite hard to put on paper. I am still me, but I've grown so far from who I used to be--with volumes between us and stories, so many stories.

You can see my friend Lora's work on her flickr account.

A Day for Art

I know that crayons, and such art materials warn parents that they are to be used by children three years and up; but, because I am so excited to introduce different activities to our little miss, I gave her her first set of washable crayons a month before her first birthday. Of course, all this was under strict supervision (and still is!). At first, she just started gripping them, not really even scribbling on the papers (or on the walls), but a few weeks into showing her how crayons work, she got it! Before turning one! Now, she holds crayons, chalk, giant markers like an adult. Better than kids at preschool (sorry, proud mama!). Being supportive parents, we always try to let her explore the things she likes, and also those that she doesn't. After figuring out what floats her boat, we encourage her to develop her skills. As she has already mastered crayons and the likes, I thought of letting her try out finger painting. We bought her a set of four washable finger paints over the weekend during our lunch date. Because it was too hot in the house, I decided to surprise her and let her try painting in the garden.

Here are a few snaps of our little activity:

At first, she was curious about the gooey stuff on her fingers. I tried showing her how to use the paint by guiding her hands, dipping her fingers into the tub of paint, and then drawing on the paper...

My darling daughter kept on giggling with delight! There times that she gets a glimpse of her dirty hands, she gets bothered. But a soon as she puts her fingers on paper, and starts forming shapes/patterns/doodles...she giggles!

I guess she had a good time...but really, most of the paint ended up on her mama's face.

We really do hope this little miss would have knack for the arts so that I can say she got something from me, since her daddy already won with genetics. Lol! Have a happy week ahead!