7th

Our eldest is now 7 years old. As you know me I would probably say, "Oh! How time flies," and yes, flew it did. Honestly, I would like to organize my daughters' birthday parties as much as I can until the time they tell me to stop. I would do everything for them until they are ready to do things on their own. I'm just that kind of mother no matter what the opinion of others are. My kids' joy are my joy, their sadness is also my sadness and I just want to be there for them.

Anyway, Bean has planned her party for almost a month now and we wanted to make her feel extra special because we've all been so busy adjusting to her transition from preschool to grade school-- there is a significant change in the dynamic of our relationship which I will save for another post. Giving her extra love and attention was our top priority. She chose to do a MINECRAFT themed party this time so I ordered some balloons and a few decorations. I also made her cake and cupcakes and all the food that was on her list. She had her own list of people to invite, most of it was planned by her.

But the weather just didn't cooperate and I lacked the energy to reschedule because I've been tired during her exam week, cooking, taking care of Ellie, and moving house. So Adam and I discussed it and decided to go on with it even if people won't be able to come due to the floods. We also talked to her and told her about the situation. She told us she understood and that it was okay.

Shout out to my tita Mita and tito Joven who were able to make it! To the others guests, we truly understand.

I admit to have been disappointed with the situation because in our culture turning 7 years old is supposed to be one big celebration--but it is what it is and I don't want to stress myself over it anymore. I'm just a mom who wants her daughter to be happy--and surprisingly, she is happy.

I am quite surprised how resilient my little miss has become--from being the OC toddler she was...she adjusts well to changes now--better than me, even!

To my dearest Madeleine Bean, I am so very proud of you. It is an honor and privilege to be your mother. I am grateful to you each day. Thank you for being my source of strength and being the light in my times of darkness. No amount of words could describe how much I love you. Happy 7th, my love.

Bye Bye Baby; Hello Little Lady

I have been feeling weird a lot lately but this sinking feeling started around a month after Ellie's birth. It's as if every time I looked at my eldest I was at a loss for words with how I felt so I put it at the back of my mind and continued on mothering my girls. But from time to time my husband points out to me that it seems as if I am being a bit hard on Bean. Little mistakes she made would irk me and I lose my patience easily. So most days I keep myself on check.

Until a few more months passed and I noticed that I am indeed a little hard on her. We saw how she started losing confidence in school and became more shy. She'd start to keep to herself--telling us she'd prefer to play by herself. So I knew it was time to face what I've been denying to myself all along.

I am mourning the period of my life when it was just us two. I am not unhappy with our littlest but I miss my eldest even if she is just beside me. I look at her and I remember our own little world and it seems a lifetime ago already. I distinctly recall how I go to the bathroom and try to pee or poop while holding her; preparing and eating my meals while I carry her; how I clean the house while distracting her with her toys. I remember how I sang to her to put her to sleep--and then telling her stories and reading her books before bedtime.

I guess that's how it really is when your baby is growing up. I miss her being small but I am proud and excited of the person she is growing up to be. I have taken action about this issue in my life and I am spending as much time with her as I can before she really really becomes a teenager. LOL!

Bean right now is such a surprise to me! Her confidence is back--she even signed up for acting classes. She reads her books to me before bedtime and I am quite happy she's into chapter books already. She loves to sing and dance and is a big help to me in taking care of Ellie.

I am not a perfect mom but I think am doing a good job. Bean is a very big reminder of this for me. She is my source of strength and she is full of wisdom.

There is one memory I wish to keep in my heart for the rest of my life: It was a sunny day and I drove Bean to school. I parked the car and helped her with her bag as we walked towards the school gate. I gave her a rundown of my schedule for that day and I mentioned to her that I needed to squeeze in a run in the afternoon as I've skipped too many days of exercise. And she told me, "Why do you need to exercise, mom? You look good already, and even if you change, even if you get fat your still perfect for me. To me you're the most beautiful in the world, mom. So don't worry anymore."

Those words mean so much to me; and I couldn't for the life of me, believe that a 6-year old told me that.

I am such a lucky mom. I really am.

it's okay to be NOT okay

This space has been quiet for a long time. I may post here and there but my heart isn't into it. I do it to keep things normal....because I thought that if I didn't acknowledge what has been building up inside me for a period of time then maybe it would just go away. But sadly, it really doesn't.

I do not know how many people suffer from anxiety and I do not know if it's the same thing I've been going through or not. I use the word "anxiety" because it is the closest word I can find. It feels as if the world is about to end and I am either drowning or having a heart attack. It started a little while after Bean's birthday, mid-august. I just woke up one day et voila--there it is yet again.

This isn't something unfamiliar to me because this is the fourth time this has happened. The worst was 2008 when my anxiety escalated to me estimating the years left of every person I encounter ( a bit crazy, right?) Let me tell you that it just sucks. More so this time because now I am taking care of two kids. I have to keep it in check and not have a breakdown. But as much as I try to hide it, not talk about it, and deny it the more it seeps out in the smallest of ways--my constant impatience towards my eldest, how I shut out my husband, how I panic when the littlest just wouldn't nap or would have a change in routine. It's as if I might have a stroke at any moment. As soon as the kids sleep I also try to sleep hoping that the next day I would wake up feeling okay.

So I tried confiding a little to my SIL and husband. At first I'd tell them a little about it and then proceed to talk about other things. Then I get into a constant cycle of self-hate. I stopped painting and did nothing but stare and think when my kids were napping.

One day I just wanted it to stop. I wanted to be myself again. So I told my husband everything. All my worries and everything that I felt, describing it in detail as best as I can. And he told me: "It's okay to be NOT okay; there is no shame in that," and "It's okay to get help if you need it."

And you know what? Accepting that somewhere in me there is something wrong or broken means that it is fixable. Unburdening myself by talking honestly about it helped me feel better. I am still not a hundred percent okay and my panic attacks are still there but I sure feel hell of a lot better.
I am looking forward to go back to writing in this space (even if I know not a lot people read it) and also painting and being a better parent.

So if you think that the world is caving in, or if you feel so down and hopeless....try talking about it with someone you trust and someone who has faith in you.

realizations, truths and new adventures

2017 started out great for us--we got to surf, we had a nanny for the littlest, we went back to the place where we felt home and welcomed...but it all went a little downhill for a while. This post may come out a bit unedited for the sole reason that I just got too tired...tired of being the good person, tired of being quiet and suppressing each and everything that I feel for the sake of others. I crave for change, a reinvention...this might be caused by my post partum self...or maybe not but I am happy to do this. I am happy to begin.

In the middle of January, we asked our nanny to get an X-ray because both our kids have been having cough and colds on and off since December. It shocked me that she got mad and asked us if she could already leave! So, we let her go but a week after she sent us a message telling us to get the girls checked because she has tuberculosis. Imagine the horror I felt! And so we got them tested and sadly, little Ellie has primary complex. She is now on medication until August. I hate this situation, mostly because administering three kinds of medicine to a baby isn't a walk in the park! It takes precision and patience mostly now that I am without help of a nanny and taking care of two kids.

I tried hard to develop a routine for us while Adam is at work. I'd wake up extra early to prepare Bean's lunchbox...and then I check if there is someone I can leave Ellie with so I can drive Bean to school. During the times that there isn't anybody, Ellie comes with us. While Bean is in school I feed Ellie and she takes her morning nap wherein I prepare in advance our lunch and our dinner. When she decides not to nap then it's another day for takeout. I/ we fetch Bean, have lunch and then Ellie will feed and take her longest nap of the day where Bean does her homework and where I wash her bottles and either do yoga, paint or if there are more house chores this is the time to I can accomplish them. When Ellie wakes up, we take a walk outside and then I give the kids a bath and then dinner and sleep. Most of the time I try to wait up for my husband but he usually comes home and I am already in la la land.

Come mid-February I have been feeling really down because of feeling rejected. For almost four years there's a place that felt like home to us...and people I thought who cared...but to my surprise it was just one way, I guess? But I don't want this incident to leave a negative effect with my feelings towards the place because looking at the bigger picture...it wasn't just those people that mattered....everything else except for them were the things that mattered to me.

March came and prompted me to re-think the things that are important to me, the things I want to do and what I want in this life. It's quite simple, really! What's important to me is my family. The things I want to do is to continue doing art, yoga, surfing and to fix this little blog of mine! In this life,  want to express who I really am and how I really feel through the things I paint, the words I write, the clothes I wear, the music I listen to, and how I interact with the people that matter and just be happy about it. I just want to live a happy life with my family.

It might come as a surprise but even though my SIL is younger than me, we've gotten close over the years. We have daily conversations (face to face or on Messenger) about everything under the sun! This May our whole family will be going to Korea again and we're so excited because we have decided that this is the time to live our #ootd dreams! So I have been preoccupied coming up with clothing combinations for myself and our girls. It's fun for me and it makes me look forward to our trip (because plane rides terrify me.)

April--we have our annual trip to our beach house during Holy Week and this is the time of the year we spend with my mother's side of the family--my aunts, uncles and cousins. I look forward to this trip and it always makes me giddy with excitement because my cousins are a whole lot of fun to be with! Also, it's Ellie's first time there. Our stay was extremely hot which made the baby quite irritable save for the times she stayed in the air conditioned room! But she was such a trooper because when the sun starts to set and the air becomes a little cool then she'll have her fun! Our stay was fun....my brothers, SIL, cousins and even my nephew went to take surfing lessons while me and Adam surfed. I am beyond stoked to be back in the water!

Bougainvilleas were also in bloom, so I told Adam (my official #instagramhusband) that I wanted to take pictures. But actually, my SIL and I have already planned to take pictures and we were already prepared for it. lol! While Bean and her cousing Winter were playing, we took Ellie with us during the shoot. It was hot and humid but the place was just stunning!

Summer and the second quarter of the year has just begun and I am already feeling optimistic about this change I am making. Thank God for the bad things that happened because if not for them I wouldn't have realized what the important things in my life are. 

Motherhood Lately

I never would have thought I'd be a mother because it wasn't really one of my goals when I was younger. But then I became one...and then again I am a mother for the second time even when I said one child was enough. I said one was enough not just because I was traumatized with my first birth experience but also because of other issues within myself:

After birthing a baby I feel that I lose myself. From pregnancy to having the baby and the recovery period I AM NOT MYSELF. Physically and emotionally. Mentally, I try to hold on to every bit of me possible. I am very vocal about this with my husband even with my first pregnancy. I would always tell him that one of my main concerns was getting my body back. I know, it is so superficial and it seems irrelevant to most but that's it for me. I am not vain but I am very conscious because if you've followed my blog from the start you'd know that I was a fat kid who went through eating disorders and excessive exercise. With Bean, it took almost a year to lose the weight and another year to achieve a toner version of me.

It has been a month since having Eleanor and I haven't gotten the go signal to workout and I'm already thinking of the long journey to achieve my goals. I am the type of person who wants to get to the finish line fast but this time I don't see it happening because within a month I have experienced how it is to have two kids. I still haven't found that balance!

I tell this to Adam and he assures me that I could do it, to just enjoy the journey and that I will get there before I know it. Believe me, I love my children more than anything in this world but I figured that to be the best mother for them, I need to work on myself, too. I need to be happy... and getting myself back is a part of it.

Another issue I am having right now is not being able to surf. I honestly miss it so much! Before getting pregnant we discussed this already. I told myself that I'd be back in the water by January next year. But last night we began talking about it and then suddenly it turned into a mini misunderstanding because my husband suggested that on December maybe I could start again and get pushed into waves just to get a hang of it again. I asked him why I needed to get pushed if he was confident that I haven't lost whatever skill I had prior to having our baby? He explained to me that his point was not to pressure me and for me to just have fun...but I got depressed because it dawned on me that everything I've worked hard for was worth nothing now. I'd have to put in the same amount of effort just to be able to do what I love.

I had a moment of internal breakdown. And then I thought to myself...so what? So what if I'm back at square one? I have a husband who would do anything to make me happy, who loves me and thinks the world of me; I have two kids who make me feel like a million bucks. Surfing will always be there but being a mother to Bean and Ellie is just once in a lifetime.

Having Bean made me feel lucky and blessed; having Eleanor made me feel even luckier and even more blessed. But honestly, I already worried about favoring one over the other while I was pregnant. My relationship with Bean is quite special. She's my daughter, my hero and my best friend. She made me grow up. She made me become the best version of myself and made me open up to the world. And then this new little person comes into our lives and I was so nervous about it. I thought it would tip our world off balance...

Bean and I have our episodes of drama, missing how it was before her sister came. But looking at the big picture we both adore little Ellie! It may be hard when both of them need me at the same time but we're slowly getting there.

Bringing a child into this world makes me lose myself. It tears me into pieces on the inside but my children are the ones who help me put myself back together....stronger and better. Believe me, I was so tempted to do a little nip and tuck to the pictures my husband took of me but I didn't. I may not like it at the moment but this version of me gave birth to two wonderful girls and I wouldn't change a thing. I have goals and I will get there, one step at a time. For now I will enjoy every moment of loving my little people and getting loved in return.

On Being Brave

About a week ago I was sitting outside Bean's school listening to songs on my iPod. I had just downloaded a few recommended songs I've seen around in a while. I put the playlist on shuffle and there was this one particular song that got me crying. And yes, I literally cried...tears streaming down my cheeks. I was listening to Rachel Platten's "Fight Song."

As I have been sharing little by little in this blog, I am not in tip top shape; emotionally, mentally and physically. But before I delve into that I want you to see what the song is all about:

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
(Starting right now) I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep
Say I'm in too deep (I'm in too deep)

And it's been two years
I miss my home
But there's a fire burning in my bones
And I still believe
Yeah I still believe

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
(Starting right now) I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me
A lot of fight left in me

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
(Starting right now) I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Now I've still got a lot of fight left in me

When you were pubescent did you ever look up all the words to your favorite songs? And sometimes you try so hard to find meaning among those words just to be able to connect it to your life? Haha, guilty here! But this is not the case here, not when your thirty-sh. This song is me right now at this moment. 

I have openly shared that I found Yoga and surfing because I was heartbroken upon losing someone dear to me. Both helped me deal with so much grief that it became a part of my (and our) life. And then a year or so passes and we lose another loved one yet again. We lost our grandmother, our Nanay.

I am not really vocal about my feelings and I'd rather be writing it in my journal or here on this blog. But let me tell you this, the second to the last conversation between me and Nanay will always stay with me. And I have been thinking about it for a few months now.

I was sitting beside her accompanying her for lunch. She wasn't her usual lively self anymore and she didn't talk a lot because her voice was already hoarse. She asked me how I was, and I just said, "I'm okay." But I guess people who genuinely care about you, who really really know you...they can tell. And she prodded me more. Until I finally shared with her how I really felt about my life, being a mother, being a wife, daughter and a sister....and how "friendless" I have been feeling. We talked about the things I wanted to tell people but I can't for fear of judgement and rejection... to which she told me:

"Apong, lagi mong tatandaan na kailangan mo maging matapang. Kung may nararamdaman ka, sabihin mo. Kung ayaw ng tao marining yan, aba problema nila yan. Dahil lahat naman tayo may karapatan. Maging malakas ka."

(Grandchild, always remember that you need to be brave. If you feel something...you say it! If other people do not like what they hear then that's their problem. Everyone has right. Be strong.)

If you knew our Nanay, she was such a character! She may be tactless most of the time but she is always frank and direct. And you couldn't help but love her. Our last conversation was her telling the nurses how she took care of me while my parents had to work. She told them that I was such a crybaby (come to think of it, I still am! lol.) She told me what a good job I am doing in raising my daughter and the value of motherhood. And though I miss her so very much, I am grateful to have had the chance to be one of her grandchildren.

And so here it goes....I will be brave enough to write about how I have been feeling for the past few months:

I have been feeling disappointed. Disappointed and not sure if I am disappointed with myself or if it's because of the people around me. Unconsciously, I have been living my life trying to please people and trying to make them like me. Friendship does not come natural to me. When I was a kid I always got picked last...and so when I grew up I held on to those who called themselves my friends. I rarely said no to any favors (see, pleasing almost everybody). And then I always end up being discarded in the long run. I don't really know what I am doing wrong, or what I am not doing in order to keep friendships permanent. I used to have a lot of friends until we all became adults and then the ones left, I can only count on one hand. 

I have also entertained the thought of building new relationships, and I am always nice, not just because I want to please the person or make a friend, I genuinely am. But sometimes things just don't workout. Most people already discard me without even trying to get to know me.

Also, I have been feeling confused and bummed out because of making the mistake of assuming that  I can be worthy of being friends with people who appear to be cool on the outside but then end up so full of it in reality. Some people lead you to believe that they are open to everything and they live by the day.... then you find out they have issues, they talk behind your back and they bring you down with them.

And I am tired of making the effort. I am tired of pleasing people. This time if people want to be around me, if people need something from me, if people want to get to know me....I won't be the one chasing them around. Take the time and effort for me. 

I am so blessed to have a husband and daughter, my parents and a few friends who still make me see the brighter side of things. Now that I have got this out of my chest....there's no way to go but forward....move on, and be truly, genuinely happy again.

letting go and getting there

The days are passing slowly in contrast to the whirlwind of last year where almost all weekends were surf trips. We have been talking about it and as much as we like the line "surfing is everything," it really isn't so. My first priority, still, is being the best mother I could be. And I love it. I love it, so.

And although we are not taking care of a baby anymore, but raising a kid, it's still all sorts of fun. Most afternoons after school are spent doing art, playing, reading, baking...and other forms of creative play.

And I am very proud of my husband for providing us with this kind of life. Sometimes we know it seems as if surfing is on top of our priority list, it is not. It's still family and parenthood. Let me share a little bit of reality: I asked Adam if I could have a work desk in our home, nothing extravagant, just anywhere I can write and paint. When I still had a job online I was working on the floor, in the dining area or on the bed. But three years ago we were still figuring out how to budget his salary, so he told me we had to wait to get a desk. Three years later, he got me a simple desk and chair...and I am so happy and grateful! It took three years to get a desk but in those three years we were able to surf, go to a few yoga classes, go on trips to Hong Kong, Cambodia, Bali, and Singapore; we were able to meet all of Bean's needs...and some of our "wants."

In my previous post I wrote that I am taking a break from surfing because I have been disheartened somewhat...but reflecting on it...about the how simple life is if we choose not to complicate it...I am letting go.

"Sometimes what we learn

and who we become in the process of waiting

is even more important 

than what we are waiting for."

Just like those three years of waiting to get a desk. I will just enjoy my journey. I will surf for the fun of it, and take whatever comes my way. No more pressure. 

this journey

Lately, I haven't been writing in this blog; I haven't even picked up my camera for the longest of time. There isn't much that I am able to do. I haven't been myself lately you see. And everything inside me has been in a state of chaos, to be honest.

Most of the time the feeling of helplessness and confusion are my constant companions. I seem to be functioning mechanically for a couple of months now. Passion has been slipping away. Come to think of it, about a year ago I was having the time of my life!

Yoga helped me come to terms with myself and finally I learned to accept the way I am. Surfing drove me crazy--it was like love at first sight! Art and photography was there to help me express all the feelings and thoughts that is in me. And being a mother and wife was the highlight of my existence. I was..."was" happy. So happy that nothing else mattered.

But these days I can use the word "hag" to describe me. Snappy, in a foul mood, with a loss of patience. Understanding also left me. I have been feeling broken and run down.

And it is good that a few days ago I had opened this up with Adam. I was afraid that my constant denial would turn it into one of those big arguments....but I finally realized that this person I chose to spend the rest of my life with knows me better than I know myself. Because he could see that the trouble has been stirring inside me for quite a while now.

So then and there, in the car, under the heat of the morning sun, I cried my heart out. I have lost all the passion in me because lately I have been doing the things I love for the wrong reasons.

I have been doing yoga because I wanted to surf stronger; not because it made me feel good. Because I had the obsession of doing it every day to build my strength, even with my injuries so I hurt myself more in the process.

I have had a series of unfortunate surf sessions not because the conditions were bad or that my skills degraded....but I realized that lately I haven't been surfing for myself. I let all the criticisms and unimportant comments of people affect me. I was surfing for them and not for me. A year ago you could easily see me happy in the lineup and it didn't even matter if I caught a wave at all.

I have been a grumpy mom and wife at home because I let other people's opinions and actions affect my judgement and mood. I always worry about the acceptance of people. I always wondered why individuals I thought were friends cared none for me at all.

I haven't been writing honestly in this space and often edit my words because I am afraid to be judged and hated.

But does it really matter?

"No. It doesn't matter. They don't matter. What matters is us. You, me and our little girl. And that should be reason enough for you to be happy. Stop thinking about other people because we started this journey with just US. And we will continue to do so."

Those are Adam's words. And whenever I stumble and fall he is always there to pick me up. He has always been putting me back together, and it dawned on me that it is about time I listened. It is tiring to invest in people who will not (or who would not) do the same for you.

So, let's go!

"You are fierce. You're a survivor. 

You're a fighter through and through. 

Little brave, breathe.

 There is a warrior within you."

where did our baby go

Well, we're here. I never thought babyhood would be over quickly! When Bean was two years old I have already began to feel a little bit blue thinking that in a few years she would be off to school...and now she is.

No more late and relaxed mornings for the majority of the week. Aside from waking our girl early to prepare I wake up earlier to prepare her lunchbox, clothes and things for her classes.

I thought it would be a smooth transition. The school started two weeks of having classes every other day and Bean was doing great. But when school resumed with the normal daily schedule...the crying started. She was doing great last Monday and Tuesday. By Wednesday, I already saw the hesitation on her face during lineup. She was about to cry but she didn't. On Thursday, me and Adam brought her to school and while waiting for the kids to go inside the school, Bean kept hiding behind her dad. When it was time to lineup she burst into tears and cried for me. She held my hand as if the world depended on it. When their class was about to march in, she let go and walked. She walked in even while she was crying. I couldn't hold in my tears much longer so I let them go in the car . Even though our little girl cried she knew well she had to go to school.

At home, we told her how proud we were of her going to school. We told her it's okay to be a little sad. We asked her what was making her cry and i guessed it right! "I miss mama." Oh darn! Well, my heart misses her so much, too. Though a few hours of time for myself is a plus...I can't help but feel empty without her because for years we had a this little world of our own. And now, all of a sudden, something burst the bubble.

But we know that this is the only way to go and all of us can only grow. I have always been a positive parent. I try to be at my best everyday (though there are really bad days, to be honest.)

For the past few days, Bean has been going to school with a smile on her face...and we are just so proud of this little life we've made.