realizations, truths and new adventures

2017 started out great for us--we got to surf, we had a nanny for the littlest, we went back to the place where we felt home and welcomed...but it all went a little downhill for a while. This post may come out a bit unedited for the sole reason that I just got too tired...tired of being the good person, tired of being quiet and suppressing each and everything that I feel for the sake of others. I crave for change, a reinvention...this might be caused by my post partum self...or maybe not but I am happy to do this. I am happy to begin.

In the middle of January, we asked our nanny to get an X-ray because both our kids have been having cough and colds on and off since December. It shocked me that she got mad and asked us if she could already leave! So, we let her go but a week after she sent us a message telling us to get the girls checked because she has tuberculosis. Imagine the horror I felt! And so we got them tested and sadly, little Ellie has primary complex. She is now on medication until August. I hate this situation, mostly because administering three kinds of medicine to a baby isn't a walk in the park! It takes precision and patience mostly now that I am without help of a nanny and taking care of two kids.

I tried hard to develop a routine for us while Adam is at work. I'd wake up extra early to prepare Bean's lunchbox...and then I check if there is someone I can leave Ellie with so I can drive Bean to school. During the times that there isn't anybody, Ellie comes with us. While Bean is in school I feed Ellie and she takes her morning nap wherein I prepare in advance our lunch and our dinner. When she decides not to nap then it's another day for takeout. I/ we fetch Bean, have lunch and then Ellie will feed and take her longest nap of the day where Bean does her homework and where I wash her bottles and either do yoga, paint or if there are more house chores this is the time to I can accomplish them. When Ellie wakes up, we take a walk outside and then I give the kids a bath and then dinner and sleep. Most of the time I try to wait up for my husband but he usually comes home and I am already in la la land.

Come mid-February I have been feeling really down because of feeling rejected. For almost four years there's a place that felt like home to us...and people I thought who cared...but to my surprise it was just one way, I guess? But I don't want this incident to leave a negative effect with my feelings towards the place because looking at the bigger picture...it wasn't just those people that mattered....everything else except for them were the things that mattered to me.

March came and prompted me to re-think the things that are important to me, the things I want to do and what I want in this life. It's quite simple, really! What's important to me is my family. The things I want to do is to continue doing art, yoga, surfing and to fix this little blog of mine! In this life,  want to express who I really am and how I really feel through the things I paint, the words I write, the clothes I wear, the music I listen to, and how I interact with the people that matter and just be happy about it. I just want to live a happy life with my family.

It might come as a surprise but even though my SIL is younger than me, we've gotten close over the years. We have daily conversations (face to face or on Messenger) about everything under the sun! This May our whole family will be going to Korea again and we're so excited because we have decided that this is the time to live our #ootd dreams! So I have been preoccupied coming up with clothing combinations for myself and our girls. It's fun for me and it makes me look forward to our trip (because plane rides terrify me.)

April--we have our annual trip to our beach house during Holy Week and this is the time of the year we spend with my mother's side of the family--my aunts, uncles and cousins. I look forward to this trip and it always makes me giddy with excitement because my cousins are a whole lot of fun to be with! Also, it's Ellie's first time there. Our stay was extremely hot which made the baby quite irritable save for the times she stayed in the air conditioned room! But she was such a trooper because when the sun starts to set and the air becomes a little cool then she'll have her fun! Our stay was fun....my brothers, SIL, cousins and even my nephew went to take surfing lessons while me and Adam surfed. I am beyond stoked to be back in the water!

Bougainvilleas were also in bloom, so I told Adam (my official #instagramhusband) that I wanted to take pictures. But actually, my SIL and I have already planned to take pictures and we were already prepared for it. lol! While Bean and her cousing Winter were playing, we took Ellie with us during the shoot. It was hot and humid but the place was just stunning!

Summer and the second quarter of the year has just begun and I am already feeling optimistic about this change I am making. Thank God for the bad things that happened because if not for them I wouldn't have realized what the important things in my life are. 

31 (Late Post)

Thirty one. I am thirty one! And, yup I feel it, too, deep to the bones (literally.) I have been avoiding this space since getting myself injured (still probably from yoga and surfing...who knows.) It's just hard to put into words how I feel about not getting to do the things I love. But here I am trying to be a big girl and moving on. Before writing something brief about my birthday last December 18 I would just like to put into record that I am already seeing a Physical Therapist for my aches. And she said that the most I can do for now are some light stretching, walking and swimming. I couldn't even lift heavy objects, jog or overuse the right side of my body.

I have to follow, even when I don't want to. I even begged if I could just get pushed into a wave, without paddling myself, but she said NO. I also asked if I can do a full sequence of yoga and avoid asanas that "I think" causes my aches and she said NO. So I have recently been into my calligraphy practice in order to fill up my time. Mind you, it's something I am coming to love already. It's just heartbreaking for me to stop riding the waves and doing my yoga practice. Adam asked me once how I felt about the situation and I told him, "It's like your first heartache, I guess. It hurts and you don't know how to deal." The drama, I know.

Moving on......

I didn't want to be such a Scrooge to not let Adam surf when I can't, also, I do love the sea so we still went to celebrate my birthday on the beach. The swell was perfect and I am happy that my husband and friends got to surf their hearts out!

As for me, I spent quality time with my daughter, and doing calligraphy drills. Which made me realize the other aspects of my life that I have set aside because of surfing. For one, I miss more playtime with my girl. Another is, having more time for my art...and photography.

It was a relaxed celebration and I'm glad that I agreed to go. It taught me that life isn't just about doing the things you love the most....it's also learning to take what you can get and appreciating the bigger picture.

22 & 23/52 and something about disappointment and changes

22/52

"A portrait of my daughter, once a week, every week, in 2014."

These are photos of Bean I snapped one weekend ago while me and Adam were busy cleaning up the room. She just sat on one corner, picked up a book and looked through the pages. I say "looked through the pages" because I know that we are still in the process of teaching her to read. She knows all the letters and their sounds, she can write some of them too. She talks like a 10 year old though, which surprises me, really. This particular afternoon I asked her what she's doing to which she replied, "Just nothing, mommy. So that I will not disturb you."

23/52

These were taken this weekend after she cried non-stop on the shore after being *ehem* bullied by a boy introducing her to the "real world". It's not really hard to make her happy, the beach is one thing that gives her joy. And we can't be thankful enough because it makes it easier to fulfill that dream of becoming better at surfing. It was also nice that she felt at home instantly with her new friends: tita ninang, tita friend, and tito "what's his name?"

something about disappointment and changes

We were excited for this trip. Because the last real surf we had was in Bali. Two months without surfing really did me bad, and I didn't know until this weekend. With a new board, it also made things harder for me (because Adam always seems to do it easily).

We brought with us some friends: Kirsten (my cousin), John Paul (Adam's friend), and Joan (my friend). It was fun, for a change, because it was usually just us three. I am grateful for the extra hands; I really am.

I tried really hard not to let it get to me, but it did. Not being able to properly paddle my shorter board, and always either missing the wave or nose diving the first day brought my confidence down to zero. That was it for me. Honestly, I was lost and I wanted somebody to tell me what's wrong, and what I should do. But I realized, nobody really learns the easy way. I have come to realize that in order to be good I should be able to deal with failure first. I have always used a 9'0" or an 8'6"...and adjusting to a 7'5" isn't really a smooth transition for me. I have decided to just accept that this situation already happened and that I will move on. The waves will keep coming, and I will just keep on paddling. I will just have to try harder and avoid hesitating next time.

Figuring out my balance on my new board.

I am glad that our friends had a great time in the water despite the way I felt about my performance. I feel good about sharing the stoke. Sorry, JP...there aren't any pictures of you, but thank you for taking some of the pictures!

Joan

Kirsten

On Sunday morning, the waves were  big, and we got to see the big kids play! Oh how beautiful Tamara Benitez and Camille Pilar surfed. One day. One day maybe I will be able to be just like them. Patience.

Camille Pilar

Tamara Benitez

And of course, I am so proud of my husband because he surfed well out there too. Please, Adam, help me become better too! :)