this space

It's been so long since I have opened my laptop and updated this space. I have also thought about giving this up but somehow I can't. I've been writing down my feelings and thoughts in blogs since I was a teen so....there's that. Another thing that keeps me from giving this space up is because there is too much happy memories recorded in here. So I decided to give it time and keep going.

A lot has happened in a year-- and I must admit that my mental health seems to be unstable. I haven't been vocal about it and I don't plan to be-- but to address this for myself: YES, have been suffering from anxiety for years. Not just the "gets you nervous" kind but the crippling kind. And I have been blessed to have a husband who understands and explains to me what is happening and tells me what I can do to manage it. I think I wouldn't have come this far if  it weren't for him and our little girls.

We have also been so busy ever since Bean started second grade--lots of homework, quizzes, school events. We celebrated her 8th birthday, too! Also, Ellie is at the stage where she's learning--ABC's and counting...ah but what she didn't get from me and Bean is an interest for the arts. She just doesn't like to draw or paint. She's good at molding play doh though. That's her favorite right now.

Aside from mothering--which is mainly my jam....I get by playing games on my Switch; reading books, BTS, Netflix and going to the gym twice or thrice a week. Adam and I decided to focus on our fitness and health since we can already feel signs of being in our 30's lol.

I have thought about it over and over and I don't want to spend my days planning and planning. I want to start DOING. Instead of writing down things on my to-do list I should make a conscious effort to do them so that they don't remain words on a piece of paper. Little by little I am starting to paint again. I make sure to not spend all of my mama breaks on playing games--I make sure to finish a book a week or do something creative.

Just over the weekend I bought bouquets of flowers to dry and craft something; my husband bought me glass frames and candles to my aesthetic liking...I have been feeling inspired after a long time--inspired to create and manifest the life I want to live.

My Loves at Avilon

Two months ago, at my appointment with my OB, I asked if I could still join my daughter on her field trip which is a few weeks shy of "D day." Initially, she said yes I could go...but upon finding out it would be at the zoo she said NO because I might contract a disease or any sickness from animal exposure or something. Well, this news broke my heart but we make do of the situation. So for this year it was just Bean and Adam.

Being a mom with a semi-type A personality I made a list of the things they needed to bring and I checked and prepared them over and over. I also asked Bean to bring the Instax camera so she could take pictures of the animals she liked.

Here's a little trivia: Avilon Zoo is memorable to us because it was where Adam took me for our first "official date." "Official" because it wasn't talking over coffee and we still weren't exclusively a couple. I was surprised to get asked out to go to a zoo but I did have a great time!

I was texting Adam throughout the day asking if they already ate, if he's letting bean drink water or go to the loo. Also, I wanted to know if she was having a great time, and I am so very glad that both of them enjoyed!

Surprisingly, Bean loves snakes. She likes petting them and reading about them. I'm just relieved that she doesn't want one for a pet.

I just like the patterns on this one.

It was a real disappointment that I wasn't able to see our girl have a grand time but I am ecstatic that she and her dad had a blast! The first thing she showed me were the pictures she took, and her take home activity which she excitedly accomplished so fast. That night she couldn't help tell me stories about her day.

I am thankful and blessed to have a husband who shares the same parenting beliefs with me. It doesn't matter to us if our daughter is the best in school, or in anything...we just want her to be happy and secure...always.

In less than twenty days we are to meet baby girl number 2! I am overwhelmed with emotions...but I am trying to be positive that everything will be okay. This blessing has been what we've been wishing for and we're so close! :)

31 (Late Post)

Thirty one. I am thirty one! And, yup I feel it, too, deep to the bones (literally.) I have been avoiding this space since getting myself injured (still probably from yoga and surfing...who knows.) It's just hard to put into words how I feel about not getting to do the things I love. But here I am trying to be a big girl and moving on. Before writing something brief about my birthday last December 18 I would just like to put into record that I am already seeing a Physical Therapist for my aches. And she said that the most I can do for now are some light stretching, walking and swimming. I couldn't even lift heavy objects, jog or overuse the right side of my body.

I have to follow, even when I don't want to. I even begged if I could just get pushed into a wave, without paddling myself, but she said NO. I also asked if I can do a full sequence of yoga and avoid asanas that "I think" causes my aches and she said NO. So I have recently been into my calligraphy practice in order to fill up my time. Mind you, it's something I am coming to love already. It's just heartbreaking for me to stop riding the waves and doing my yoga practice. Adam asked me once how I felt about the situation and I told him, "It's like your first heartache, I guess. It hurts and you don't know how to deal." The drama, I know.

Moving on......

I didn't want to be such a Scrooge to not let Adam surf when I can't, also, I do love the sea so we still went to celebrate my birthday on the beach. The swell was perfect and I am happy that my husband and friends got to surf their hearts out!

As for me, I spent quality time with my daughter, and doing calligraphy drills. Which made me realize the other aspects of my life that I have set aside because of surfing. For one, I miss more playtime with my girl. Another is, having more time for my art...and photography.

It was a relaxed celebration and I'm glad that I agreed to go. It taught me that life isn't just about doing the things you love the most....it's also learning to take what you can get and appreciating the bigger picture.

Reset

This year is about to end and it sure did impart a lot of life lessons to me. Last year was about our growth as a family who loves to surf...but this one is about balance. Life cannot always be about just ONE thing. From the passing of loved ones, to Adam's masters, and then to an injury I chose to ignore which backfired at me....I can say we learned the hard way.

We got around to talking about it and we decided to trade in some surf weekends for life in the city to relax and unwind. As for me, I won't be doing any yoga, surfing or any type of exercise at present. I really need to listen to my body...which is telling me to give it a break. If you know me, I wouldn't let a day pass without exercise but I cannot afford to be hard-headed about this anymore. So I need to put up with it. The downside is: it's almost the holidays! Packed with parties and food everywhere, I sure will be ending the year a little pudgier. Yeah?

Adam, being the sweetest husband, booked us a stay at a nearby hotel. It just opened, but it was neat and we had a nice stay. Bean was the most excited about it (mostly because I told her they had a pool). We opted to stay in our room for most of the stay. We took naps, we read, played, watched TV, and we had an early dinner out.

Before putting the little miss to sleep, we played with her and told her stories. Then we had time to read, surf the net, and talk. I told Adam about how I really felt about *paragraph no. 2* and how I wanted to dedicate time to my art and learning calligraphy since I would be having time for it. I kind of regret not following through with my calligraphy since taking up a class last year...but here I am starting again with commitment.

One thing I commend about my husband is his support for the little and fickle dreams I have. One time I told him that I know the things I want to venture into are pointless...but he told me to pursue things not to earn money but to make myself happy. And I am so thankful for him everyday.

Bean and Adam had a very good sleep; while my thoughts kept me awake at 4AM. Not exactly good thoughts but I am slowly learning to set them aside and just find the joy in the smallest of things. We had a hearty breakfast and then went for a swim. Bean was keen to be swimming on her own but her fear is greater which made us decide to get her into swim classes next year; husband swam a few laps...to my dismay, my injured rib(s) also hurt when I swim. I did a few backstrokes for fun. We checked out early and then went to the mall to have lunch and do some Christmas shopping.

This was a very good weekend spent in the city and my favorite part was getting to have time to talk and relax with my loves. 2015 taught me how to stop and appreciate the small things in life and instead of trying to change the situation, I can always choose to change my perception. We hope you had a great weekend, too!