Quarantine

My gosh. How long has it been? I haven't opened up this space for a long time. You see, life's been busy and my laptop is too slow too process everything. We need an upgrade but we're still saving up for that. The coming months are when we pay fees for school--priorities of course.

It has been 2.5 months of staying at home. I feel bad that our government doesn't really care or prioritize the people. It's like "survival of the fittest" here in our country. When our children ask us how long until we can go out we sugar coat the things we say: "a little more time" "when there are no more sick people" "we're sorry but it looks like it will take a little longer."

Ellie was quite heartbroken because school will be online. You see, it will be her first year going and she was so excited so breaking the news to her was painful for me, too. Bean misses her classmates and still doesn't know how she feels about the situation.

I'm the kind of mother who would build a fairy tale world for my kids but we also give them a dose of reality. Things are dire right now and there's nothing we can do about it. So we live daily doing what we can with the time we have. Mostly our day will be filled with preparing meals, cleaning up, art, Netflix, games and some school activities to prepare Eleanor. She can now write her name.

Bean at 8 years old is more into gaming and reading. She can build fantastic worlds in Minecraft; cute farms in Stardew Valley, and breed different creatures in Pokemon. She loves to read still--now adventure books and short novels.

Ellie is so into painting lately that I hoarded paper online. She paints the rainbow and characters from My Little Pony. She loves it when her work is filled with color. One thing I find different about her is that we have to force her to use an ipad when w have to do something. She'd rather be bored and sing songs than force herself to use it--so we don't have much trouble with her screen time.

Adam spent this whole quarantine working, playing the guitar and games on the Play Station. He is also the one running errands to minimize people who go out of the house. And I am so grateful.

As for me, I've been playing the ukele, trying to translate the songs I know to the guitar. I am also painting again and still doing digital art. I've had two ulcer attacks this quarantine which prompted me to change the way I eat. I have also been doing HIIT workouts which made me stronger.

I know this time in our life isn't the greatest. Adam and I usually talk about our worries and decided to live each day to the fullest and do the things we can at the moment. Hopefully this pandemic ends soon (though I really doubt it because of how the government and many citizens are handling it.) We want to travel, or just get out of the house. 

I really don't want a NEW NORMAL....I just want the old normal back.

this space

It's been so long since I have opened my laptop and updated this space. I have also thought about giving this up but somehow I can't. I've been writing down my feelings and thoughts in blogs since I was a teen so....there's that. Another thing that keeps me from giving this space up is because there is too much happy memories recorded in here. So I decided to give it time and keep going.

A lot has happened in a year-- and I must admit that my mental health seems to be unstable. I haven't been vocal about it and I don't plan to be-- but to address this for myself: YES, have been suffering from anxiety for years. Not just the "gets you nervous" kind but the crippling kind. And I have been blessed to have a husband who understands and explains to me what is happening and tells me what I can do to manage it. I think I wouldn't have come this far if  it weren't for him and our little girls.

We have also been so busy ever since Bean started second grade--lots of homework, quizzes, school events. We celebrated her 8th birthday, too! Also, Ellie is at the stage where she's learning--ABC's and counting...ah but what she didn't get from me and Bean is an interest for the arts. She just doesn't like to draw or paint. She's good at molding play doh though. That's her favorite right now.

Aside from mothering--which is mainly my jam....I get by playing games on my Switch; reading books, BTS, Netflix and going to the gym twice or thrice a week. Adam and I decided to focus on our fitness and health since we can already feel signs of being in our 30's lol.

I have thought about it over and over and I don't want to spend my days planning and planning. I want to start DOING. Instead of writing down things on my to-do list I should make a conscious effort to do them so that they don't remain words on a piece of paper. Little by little I am starting to paint again. I make sure to not spend all of my mama breaks on playing games--I make sure to finish a book a week or do something creative.

Just over the weekend I bought bouquets of flowers to dry and craft something; my husband bought me glass frames and candles to my aesthetic liking...I have been feeling inspired after a long time--inspired to create and manifest the life I want to live.

Hello, 2016!

While the previous year concluded roughly, I do not want to be starting 2016 on a negative note. Yes, really. And so to avoid ranting about anything else I'll get straight to the point. I have listed a few goals I want to accomplish this year. I do not really believe in annual resolutions but setting goals just feels so fresh every January. Doesn't it? For me, anyway.

So here are mine (not in any order):

1. Heal and rest my body.

   I know, it seems to be redundant that I complain about not being able to surf or do yoga and 

   I figured it's time to apply the "listen to your body" part of yoga. And as it finally hit me in the face,

   I  am already seeing a Physical Therapist (and undergoing therapy) in order to.....

2. Slowly ease my way back into yoga and surfing.

   There is no shame in going back to basics. Really. I'd be happy to just be able to do what I love no

   matter if I do it by myself or if I need guidance by teachers or instructors. Better safe than sorry.

3. Disconnect.

    While social media is my outlet in life, I want to spend less time browsing it and spend time talking 

    and engage with my husband, daughter, parents, siblings and friends.

4. To be more present.

   I am quite sure my husband has had enough of my worrying about the future so I will be putting 

   more effort in living now than thinking about what happens tomorrow. YOLO.

5. Learn calligraphy.

    I attended a basic calligraphy course last 2013 and it ended at that. I started to get back at it again earlier this December and I promised myself to stick with it. Actually, today is my one month mark practicing this beautiful craft! Yehey!

6. Take more pictures.

    Honestly, I had a slump in this area of my life. It's not that I got tired with it, just with the harsh community around it. People can be so critical and I let it get to me. So from now on I will be happy with what I capture, share it and leave it at that.

7. Continue to learn to love my body.

    Because I am uniquely made by Him. And the imperfections I see in myself are the things my husband love most about me. I have given up counting calories or measuring my self-worth on the weighing scale. I have also cut down on my workouts because too much of it has destroyed my body and caused me stressed. I am not getting any younger and I want to enjoy other things in life like eating good food and slowing down to rest.

8. Avoid being paranoid.

    Period.

9. Be a better mother.

   To set a more positive example for my daughter by respecting and loving myself and my husband  

   and being able to appreciate the little things in life. 

I may or may not accomplish all of it but I'll do my best! Lastly, for number 10, I want to be able to be present on this space, not to gather followers or anything but simply to share my thoughts. Sometimes it helps when I come across an entry or a blog by someone else, whether to inspire or seek advice. And who knows, maybe some of the things I share might be of help to someone somewhere out there.

On Being Brave

About a week ago I was sitting outside Bean's school listening to songs on my iPod. I had just downloaded a few recommended songs I've seen around in a while. I put the playlist on shuffle and there was this one particular song that got me crying. And yes, I literally cried...tears streaming down my cheeks. I was listening to Rachel Platten's "Fight Song."

As I have been sharing little by little in this blog, I am not in tip top shape; emotionally, mentally and physically. But before I delve into that I want you to see what the song is all about:

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
(Starting right now) I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep
Say I'm in too deep (I'm in too deep)

And it's been two years
I miss my home
But there's a fire burning in my bones
And I still believe
Yeah I still believe

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
(Starting right now) I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me
A lot of fight left in me

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
(Starting right now) I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Now I've still got a lot of fight left in me

When you were pubescent did you ever look up all the words to your favorite songs? And sometimes you try so hard to find meaning among those words just to be able to connect it to your life? Haha, guilty here! But this is not the case here, not when your thirty-sh. This song is me right now at this moment. 

I have openly shared that I found Yoga and surfing because I was heartbroken upon losing someone dear to me. Both helped me deal with so much grief that it became a part of my (and our) life. And then a year or so passes and we lose another loved one yet again. We lost our grandmother, our Nanay.

I am not really vocal about my feelings and I'd rather be writing it in my journal or here on this blog. But let me tell you this, the second to the last conversation between me and Nanay will always stay with me. And I have been thinking about it for a few months now.

I was sitting beside her accompanying her for lunch. She wasn't her usual lively self anymore and she didn't talk a lot because her voice was already hoarse. She asked me how I was, and I just said, "I'm okay." But I guess people who genuinely care about you, who really really know you...they can tell. And she prodded me more. Until I finally shared with her how I really felt about my life, being a mother, being a wife, daughter and a sister....and how "friendless" I have been feeling. We talked about the things I wanted to tell people but I can't for fear of judgement and rejection... to which she told me:

"Apong, lagi mong tatandaan na kailangan mo maging matapang. Kung may nararamdaman ka, sabihin mo. Kung ayaw ng tao marining yan, aba problema nila yan. Dahil lahat naman tayo may karapatan. Maging malakas ka."

(Grandchild, always remember that you need to be brave. If you feel something...you say it! If other people do not like what they hear then that's their problem. Everyone has right. Be strong.)

If you knew our Nanay, she was such a character! She may be tactless most of the time but she is always frank and direct. And you couldn't help but love her. Our last conversation was her telling the nurses how she took care of me while my parents had to work. She told them that I was such a crybaby (come to think of it, I still am! lol.) She told me what a good job I am doing in raising my daughter and the value of motherhood. And though I miss her so very much, I am grateful to have had the chance to be one of her grandchildren.

And so here it goes....I will be brave enough to write about how I have been feeling for the past few months:

I have been feeling disappointed. Disappointed and not sure if I am disappointed with myself or if it's because of the people around me. Unconsciously, I have been living my life trying to please people and trying to make them like me. Friendship does not come natural to me. When I was a kid I always got picked last...and so when I grew up I held on to those who called themselves my friends. I rarely said no to any favors (see, pleasing almost everybody). And then I always end up being discarded in the long run. I don't really know what I am doing wrong, or what I am not doing in order to keep friendships permanent. I used to have a lot of friends until we all became adults and then the ones left, I can only count on one hand. 

I have also entertained the thought of building new relationships, and I am always nice, not just because I want to please the person or make a friend, I genuinely am. But sometimes things just don't workout. Most people already discard me without even trying to get to know me.

Also, I have been feeling confused and bummed out because of making the mistake of assuming that  I can be worthy of being friends with people who appear to be cool on the outside but then end up so full of it in reality. Some people lead you to believe that they are open to everything and they live by the day.... then you find out they have issues, they talk behind your back and they bring you down with them.

And I am tired of making the effort. I am tired of pleasing people. This time if people want to be around me, if people need something from me, if people want to get to know me....I won't be the one chasing them around. Take the time and effort for me. 

I am so blessed to have a husband and daughter, my parents and a few friends who still make me see the brighter side of things. Now that I have got this out of my chest....there's no way to go but forward....move on, and be truly, genuinely happy again.

dear surfing: it's not you; it's me

Lately, things got a little saturated for me. It is like I am swimming in the ocean not knowing where to go. I feel confused and tired all the time. And I know it's not anything else, but me. It's not yoga, it's not Bean going to school, it's not surfing....it's just me. I want to go back to basics--feeling all the excitement and happiness in every situation.

We went on a surf trip yesterday; believe me, I wanted to feel the enthusiasm but lately it just isn't there. Don't get me wrong, there is no plan of quitting surfing for me. I just lost my groove and that's all. I opened this up with Adam, too. I told him I wanted to go back to the very beginning when the point of surfing was happiness and not anything else.

We left the city at around 3 in the morning and arrived with an empty lineup. If I were my normal self I would be so glad and so ready to get into the water...but I took my time and told Adam and JP to go in first. I sat on the shore with Bean. She played with her bugs and I helped her build a shelter for them. I also got took taking pictures from time to time. When I see them surfing, I feel a little bit envious because I want to be out there. I am longing to catch those waves...but at the same time I feel so exhausted. Burnt out.

JP got out of the water first and told me he'd gladly look out for Bean so I can have my turn. And so I went. I stood there looking at the sea for a while. The way the lines form from afar....building up as they get near...it gives me a rush. I paddled out and took my time. By the time I reached Adam the wind was picking up. You have to give extra effort in paddling as the offshore wind would push you back. We couldn't even see anything as water would get sprayed on our faces. I was only out for about twenty minutes.

I just wasn't feeling it and I want to accept it. I have to. We had a lunch of freshly caught squid and prawns. Even Bean ate a very full meal. After that I let the boys have their fun. I sat on the shore playing with my daughter and scribbling things in my journal.

The wind was so harsh that an "abandoned" surfboard flew in our direction. I didn't see it coming as I was shielding Bean from the sand which was being blown hard into our skin, and as I turned my head to look where a swooshing sound was coming from, what I saw was a 9"0' coming at us. There was nothing to do. I took the blow on my right cheek and jaw. Better me than our girl.

It was then that I realized what disheartened me in my surf journey. It's because I let other people affect me. To be honest, I like surfers who surf because it's their passion, because it gives them such happiness that it will rub off on you. And I miss people like that. Instead of criticizing me, judging me even before getting to know me...I wish some people would just let me be. Because when I knew nothing they were happy; and when I learned people just seemed to hate me.

This has got to stop. Adam keeps on reminding me to disregard them. "Don't mind them. Don't mind me even. Surf for yourself. Be happy."

After this trip I promised myself to get back on my feet; start over. "Should you ever find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, smallness, or insecurities, remember, things could be worse...you could be them." Note to self. Letting go of excess baggage. Bye bye!

Dearest surfing:

And hopefully I get my groove back soon.

this journey

Lately, I haven't been writing in this blog; I haven't even picked up my camera for the longest of time. There isn't much that I am able to do. I haven't been myself lately you see. And everything inside me has been in a state of chaos, to be honest.

Most of the time the feeling of helplessness and confusion are my constant companions. I seem to be functioning mechanically for a couple of months now. Passion has been slipping away. Come to think of it, about a year ago I was having the time of my life!

Yoga helped me come to terms with myself and finally I learned to accept the way I am. Surfing drove me crazy--it was like love at first sight! Art and photography was there to help me express all the feelings and thoughts that is in me. And being a mother and wife was the highlight of my existence. I was..."was" happy. So happy that nothing else mattered.

But these days I can use the word "hag" to describe me. Snappy, in a foul mood, with a loss of patience. Understanding also left me. I have been feeling broken and run down.

And it is good that a few days ago I had opened this up with Adam. I was afraid that my constant denial would turn it into one of those big arguments....but I finally realized that this person I chose to spend the rest of my life with knows me better than I know myself. Because he could see that the trouble has been stirring inside me for quite a while now.

So then and there, in the car, under the heat of the morning sun, I cried my heart out. I have lost all the passion in me because lately I have been doing the things I love for the wrong reasons.

I have been doing yoga because I wanted to surf stronger; not because it made me feel good. Because I had the obsession of doing it every day to build my strength, even with my injuries so I hurt myself more in the process.

I have had a series of unfortunate surf sessions not because the conditions were bad or that my skills degraded....but I realized that lately I haven't been surfing for myself. I let all the criticisms and unimportant comments of people affect me. I was surfing for them and not for me. A year ago you could easily see me happy in the lineup and it didn't even matter if I caught a wave at all.

I have been a grumpy mom and wife at home because I let other people's opinions and actions affect my judgement and mood. I always worry about the acceptance of people. I always wondered why individuals I thought were friends cared none for me at all.

I haven't been writing honestly in this space and often edit my words because I am afraid to be judged and hated.

But does it really matter?

"No. It doesn't matter. They don't matter. What matters is us. You, me and our little girl. And that should be reason enough for you to be happy. Stop thinking about other people because we started this journey with just US. And we will continue to do so."

Those are Adam's words. And whenever I stumble and fall he is always there to pick me up. He has always been putting me back together, and it dawned on me that it is about time I listened. It is tiring to invest in people who will not (or who would not) do the same for you.

So, let's go!

"You are fierce. You're a survivor. 

You're a fighter through and through. 

Little brave, breathe.

 There is a warrior within you."