this space

It's been so long since I have opened my laptop and updated this space. I have also thought about giving this up but somehow I can't. I've been writing down my feelings and thoughts in blogs since I was a teen so....there's that. Another thing that keeps me from giving this space up is because there is too much happy memories recorded in here. So I decided to give it time and keep going.

A lot has happened in a year-- and I must admit that my mental health seems to be unstable. I haven't been vocal about it and I don't plan to be-- but to address this for myself: YES, have been suffering from anxiety for years. Not just the "gets you nervous" kind but the crippling kind. And I have been blessed to have a husband who understands and explains to me what is happening and tells me what I can do to manage it. I think I wouldn't have come this far if  it weren't for him and our little girls.

We have also been so busy ever since Bean started second grade--lots of homework, quizzes, school events. We celebrated her 8th birthday, too! Also, Ellie is at the stage where she's learning--ABC's and counting...ah but what she didn't get from me and Bean is an interest for the arts. She just doesn't like to draw or paint. She's good at molding play doh though. That's her favorite right now.

Aside from mothering--which is mainly my jam....I get by playing games on my Switch; reading books, BTS, Netflix and going to the gym twice or thrice a week. Adam and I decided to focus on our fitness and health since we can already feel signs of being in our 30's lol.

I have thought about it over and over and I don't want to spend my days planning and planning. I want to start DOING. Instead of writing down things on my to-do list I should make a conscious effort to do them so that they don't remain words on a piece of paper. Little by little I am starting to paint again. I make sure to not spend all of my mama breaks on playing games--I make sure to finish a book a week or do something creative.

Just over the weekend I bought bouquets of flowers to dry and craft something; my husband bought me glass frames and candles to my aesthetic liking...I have been feeling inspired after a long time--inspired to create and manifest the life I want to live.

this journey

Lately, I haven't been writing in this blog; I haven't even picked up my camera for the longest of time. There isn't much that I am able to do. I haven't been myself lately you see. And everything inside me has been in a state of chaos, to be honest.

Most of the time the feeling of helplessness and confusion are my constant companions. I seem to be functioning mechanically for a couple of months now. Passion has been slipping away. Come to think of it, about a year ago I was having the time of my life!

Yoga helped me come to terms with myself and finally I learned to accept the way I am. Surfing drove me crazy--it was like love at first sight! Art and photography was there to help me express all the feelings and thoughts that is in me. And being a mother and wife was the highlight of my existence. I was..."was" happy. So happy that nothing else mattered.

But these days I can use the word "hag" to describe me. Snappy, in a foul mood, with a loss of patience. Understanding also left me. I have been feeling broken and run down.

And it is good that a few days ago I had opened this up with Adam. I was afraid that my constant denial would turn it into one of those big arguments....but I finally realized that this person I chose to spend the rest of my life with knows me better than I know myself. Because he could see that the trouble has been stirring inside me for quite a while now.

So then and there, in the car, under the heat of the morning sun, I cried my heart out. I have lost all the passion in me because lately I have been doing the things I love for the wrong reasons.

I have been doing yoga because I wanted to surf stronger; not because it made me feel good. Because I had the obsession of doing it every day to build my strength, even with my injuries so I hurt myself more in the process.

I have had a series of unfortunate surf sessions not because the conditions were bad or that my skills degraded....but I realized that lately I haven't been surfing for myself. I let all the criticisms and unimportant comments of people affect me. I was surfing for them and not for me. A year ago you could easily see me happy in the lineup and it didn't even matter if I caught a wave at all.

I have been a grumpy mom and wife at home because I let other people's opinions and actions affect my judgement and mood. I always worry about the acceptance of people. I always wondered why individuals I thought were friends cared none for me at all.

I haven't been writing honestly in this space and often edit my words because I am afraid to be judged and hated.

But does it really matter?

"No. It doesn't matter. They don't matter. What matters is us. You, me and our little girl. And that should be reason enough for you to be happy. Stop thinking about other people because we started this journey with just US. And we will continue to do so."

Those are Adam's words. And whenever I stumble and fall he is always there to pick me up. He has always been putting me back together, and it dawned on me that it is about time I listened. It is tiring to invest in people who will not (or who would not) do the same for you.

So, let's go!

"You are fierce. You're a survivor. 

You're a fighter through and through. 

Little brave, breathe.

 There is a warrior within you."