this space

It's been so long since I have opened my laptop and updated this space. I have also thought about giving this up but somehow I can't. I've been writing down my feelings and thoughts in blogs since I was a teen so....there's that. Another thing that keeps me from giving this space up is because there is too much happy memories recorded in here. So I decided to give it time and keep going.

A lot has happened in a year-- and I must admit that my mental health seems to be unstable. I haven't been vocal about it and I don't plan to be-- but to address this for myself: YES, have been suffering from anxiety for years. Not just the "gets you nervous" kind but the crippling kind. And I have been blessed to have a husband who understands and explains to me what is happening and tells me what I can do to manage it. I think I wouldn't have come this far if  it weren't for him and our little girls.

We have also been so busy ever since Bean started second grade--lots of homework, quizzes, school events. We celebrated her 8th birthday, too! Also, Ellie is at the stage where she's learning--ABC's and counting...ah but what she didn't get from me and Bean is an interest for the arts. She just doesn't like to draw or paint. She's good at molding play doh though. That's her favorite right now.

Aside from mothering--which is mainly my jam....I get by playing games on my Switch; reading books, BTS, Netflix and going to the gym twice or thrice a week. Adam and I decided to focus on our fitness and health since we can already feel signs of being in our 30's lol.

I have thought about it over and over and I don't want to spend my days planning and planning. I want to start DOING. Instead of writing down things on my to-do list I should make a conscious effort to do them so that they don't remain words on a piece of paper. Little by little I am starting to paint again. I make sure to not spend all of my mama breaks on playing games--I make sure to finish a book a week or do something creative.

Just over the weekend I bought bouquets of flowers to dry and craft something; my husband bought me glass frames and candles to my aesthetic liking...I have been feeling inspired after a long time--inspired to create and manifest the life I want to live.

Hello, 2016!

While the previous year concluded roughly, I do not want to be starting 2016 on a negative note. Yes, really. And so to avoid ranting about anything else I'll get straight to the point. I have listed a few goals I want to accomplish this year. I do not really believe in annual resolutions but setting goals just feels so fresh every January. Doesn't it? For me, anyway.

So here are mine (not in any order):

1. Heal and rest my body.

   I know, it seems to be redundant that I complain about not being able to surf or do yoga and 

   I figured it's time to apply the "listen to your body" part of yoga. And as it finally hit me in the face,

   I  am already seeing a Physical Therapist (and undergoing therapy) in order to.....

2. Slowly ease my way back into yoga and surfing.

   There is no shame in going back to basics. Really. I'd be happy to just be able to do what I love no

   matter if I do it by myself or if I need guidance by teachers or instructors. Better safe than sorry.

3. Disconnect.

    While social media is my outlet in life, I want to spend less time browsing it and spend time talking 

    and engage with my husband, daughter, parents, siblings and friends.

4. To be more present.

   I am quite sure my husband has had enough of my worrying about the future so I will be putting 

   more effort in living now than thinking about what happens tomorrow. YOLO.

5. Learn calligraphy.

    I attended a basic calligraphy course last 2013 and it ended at that. I started to get back at it again earlier this December and I promised myself to stick with it. Actually, today is my one month mark practicing this beautiful craft! Yehey!

6. Take more pictures.

    Honestly, I had a slump in this area of my life. It's not that I got tired with it, just with the harsh community around it. People can be so critical and I let it get to me. So from now on I will be happy with what I capture, share it and leave it at that.

7. Continue to learn to love my body.

    Because I am uniquely made by Him. And the imperfections I see in myself are the things my husband love most about me. I have given up counting calories or measuring my self-worth on the weighing scale. I have also cut down on my workouts because too much of it has destroyed my body and caused me stressed. I am not getting any younger and I want to enjoy other things in life like eating good food and slowing down to rest.

8. Avoid being paranoid.

    Period.

9. Be a better mother.

   To set a more positive example for my daughter by respecting and loving myself and my husband  

   and being able to appreciate the little things in life. 

I may or may not accomplish all of it but I'll do my best! Lastly, for number 10, I want to be able to be present on this space, not to gather followers or anything but simply to share my thoughts. Sometimes it helps when I come across an entry or a blog by someone else, whether to inspire or seek advice. And who knows, maybe some of the things I share might be of help to someone somewhere out there.