this space

It's been so long since I have opened my laptop and updated this space. I have also thought about giving this up but somehow I can't. I've been writing down my feelings and thoughts in blogs since I was a teen so....there's that. Another thing that keeps me from giving this space up is because there is too much happy memories recorded in here. So I decided to give it time and keep going.

A lot has happened in a year-- and I must admit that my mental health seems to be unstable. I haven't been vocal about it and I don't plan to be-- but to address this for myself: YES, have been suffering from anxiety for years. Not just the "gets you nervous" kind but the crippling kind. And I have been blessed to have a husband who understands and explains to me what is happening and tells me what I can do to manage it. I think I wouldn't have come this far if  it weren't for him and our little girls.

We have also been so busy ever since Bean started second grade--lots of homework, quizzes, school events. We celebrated her 8th birthday, too! Also, Ellie is at the stage where she's learning--ABC's and counting...ah but what she didn't get from me and Bean is an interest for the arts. She just doesn't like to draw or paint. She's good at molding play doh though. That's her favorite right now.

Aside from mothering--which is mainly my jam....I get by playing games on my Switch; reading books, BTS, Netflix and going to the gym twice or thrice a week. Adam and I decided to focus on our fitness and health since we can already feel signs of being in our 30's lol.

I have thought about it over and over and I don't want to spend my days planning and planning. I want to start DOING. Instead of writing down things on my to-do list I should make a conscious effort to do them so that they don't remain words on a piece of paper. Little by little I am starting to paint again. I make sure to not spend all of my mama breaks on playing games--I make sure to finish a book a week or do something creative.

Just over the weekend I bought bouquets of flowers to dry and craft something; my husband bought me glass frames and candles to my aesthetic liking...I have been feeling inspired after a long time--inspired to create and manifest the life I want to live.

it's okay to be NOT okay

This space has been quiet for a long time. I may post here and there but my heart isn't into it. I do it to keep things normal....because I thought that if I didn't acknowledge what has been building up inside me for a period of time then maybe it would just go away. But sadly, it really doesn't.

I do not know how many people suffer from anxiety and I do not know if it's the same thing I've been going through or not. I use the word "anxiety" because it is the closest word I can find. It feels as if the world is about to end and I am either drowning or having a heart attack. It started a little while after Bean's birthday, mid-august. I just woke up one day et voila--there it is yet again.

This isn't something unfamiliar to me because this is the fourth time this has happened. The worst was 2008 when my anxiety escalated to me estimating the years left of every person I encounter ( a bit crazy, right?) Let me tell you that it just sucks. More so this time because now I am taking care of two kids. I have to keep it in check and not have a breakdown. But as much as I try to hide it, not talk about it, and deny it the more it seeps out in the smallest of ways--my constant impatience towards my eldest, how I shut out my husband, how I panic when the littlest just wouldn't nap or would have a change in routine. It's as if I might have a stroke at any moment. As soon as the kids sleep I also try to sleep hoping that the next day I would wake up feeling okay.

So I tried confiding a little to my SIL and husband. At first I'd tell them a little about it and then proceed to talk about other things. Then I get into a constant cycle of self-hate. I stopped painting and did nothing but stare and think when my kids were napping.

One day I just wanted it to stop. I wanted to be myself again. So I told my husband everything. All my worries and everything that I felt, describing it in detail as best as I can. And he told me: "It's okay to be NOT okay; there is no shame in that," and "It's okay to get help if you need it."

And you know what? Accepting that somewhere in me there is something wrong or broken means that it is fixable. Unburdening myself by talking honestly about it helped me feel better. I am still not a hundred percent okay and my panic attacks are still there but I sure feel hell of a lot better.
I am looking forward to go back to writing in this space (even if I know not a lot people read it) and also painting and being a better parent.

So if you think that the world is caving in, or if you feel so down and hopeless....try talking about it with someone you trust and someone who has faith in you.