meet the mcgees: diary

About a week ago I was sitting outside Bean's school listening to songs on my iPod. I had just downloaded a few recommended songs I've seen around in a while. I put the playlist on shuffle and there was this one particular song that got me crying. And yes, I literally cried...tears streaming down my cheeks. I was listening to Rachel Platten's "Fight Song."

As I have been sharing little by little in this blog, I am not in tip top shape; emotionally, mentally and physically. But before I delve into that I want you to see what the song is all about:

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
(Starting right now) I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep
Say I'm in too deep (I'm in too deep)

And it's been two years
I miss my home
But there's a fire burning in my bones
And I still believe
Yeah I still believe

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

Now I've still got a lot of fight left in me

When you were pubescent did you ever look up all the words to your favorite songs? And sometimes you try so hard to find meaning among those words just to be able to connect it to your life? Haha, guilty here! But this is not the case here, not when your thirty-sh. This song is me right now at this moment.

I have openly shared that I found Yoga and surfing because I was heartbroken upon losing someone dear to me. Both helped me deal with so much grief that it became a part of my (and our) life. And then a year or so passes and we lose another loved one yet again. We lost our grandmother, our Nanay.

I am not really vocal about my feelings and I'd rather be writing it in my journal or here on this blog. But let me tell you this, the second to the last conversation between me and Nanay will always stay with me. And I have been thinking about it for a few months now.

I was sitting beside her accompanying her for lunch. She wasn't her usual lively self anymore and she didn't talk a lot because her voice was already hoarse. She asked me how I was, and I just said, "I'm okay." But I guess people who genuinely care about you, who really really know you...they can tell. And she prodded me more. Until I finally shared with her how I really felt about my life, being a mother, being a wife, daughter and a sister....and how "friendless" I have been feeling. We talked about the things I wanted to tell people but I can't for fear of judgement and rejection... to which she told me:

"Apong, lagi mong tatandaan na kailangan mo maging matapang. Kung may nararamdaman ka, sabihin mo. Kung ayaw ng tao marining yan, aba problema nila yan. Dahil lahat naman tayo may karapatan. Maging malakas ka."

(Grandchild, always remember that you need to be brave. If you feel something...you say it! If other people do not like what they hear then that's their problem. Everyone has right. Be strong.)

If you knew our Nanay, she was such a character! She may be tactless most of the time but she is always frank and direct. And you couldn't help but love her. Our last conversation was her telling the nurses how she took care of me while my parents had to work. She told them that I was such a crybaby (come to think of it, I still am! lol.) She told me what a good job I am doing in raising my daughter and the value of motherhood. And though I miss her so very much, I am grateful to have had the chance to be one of her grandchildren.

And so here it goes....I will be brave enough to write about how I have been feeling for the past few months:

I have been feeling disappointed. Disappointed and not sure if I am disappointed with myself or if it's because of the people around me. Unconsciously, I have been living my life trying to please people and trying to make them like me. Friendship does not come natural to me. When I was a kid I always got picked last...and so when I grew up I held on to those who called themselves my friends. I rarely said no to any favors (see, pleasing almost everybody). And then I always end up being discarded in the long run. I don't really know what I am doing wrong, or what I am not doing in order to keep friendships permanent. I used to have a lot of friends until we all became adults and then the ones left, I can only count on one hand.

I have also entertained the thought of building new relationships, and I am always nice, not just because I want to please the person or make a friend, I genuinely am. But sometimes things just don't workout. Most people already discard me without even trying to get to know me.

Also, I have been feeling confused and bummed out because of making the mistake of assuming that I can be worthy of being friends with people who appear to be cool on the outside but then end up so full of it in reality. Some people lead you to believe that they are open to everything and they live by the day.... then you find out they have issues, they talk behind your back and they bring you down with them.

And I am tired of making the effort. I am tired of pleasing people. This time if people want to be around me, if people need something from me, if people want to get to know me....I won't be the one chasing them around. Take the time and effort for me.

I am so blessed to have a husband and daughter, my parents and a few friends who still make me see the brighter side of things. Now that I have got this out of my chest....there's no way to go but forward....move on, and be truly, genuinely happy again.

Lately, I haven't been writing in this blog; I haven't even picked up my camera for the longest of time. There isn't much that I am able to do. I haven't been myself lately you see. And everything inside me has been in a state of chaos, to be honest.

Most of the time the feeling of helplessness and confusion are my constant companions. I seem to be functioning mechanically for a couple of months now. Passion has been slipping away. Come to think of it, about a year ago I was having the time of my life!

Yoga helped me come to terms with myself and finally I learned to accept the way I am. Surfing drove me crazy--it was like love at first sight! Art and photography was there to help me express all the feelings and thoughts that is in me. And being a mother and wife was the highlight of my existence. I was..."was" happy. So happy that nothing else mattered.

But these days I can use the word "hag" to describe me. Snappy, in a foul mood, with a loss of patience. Understanding also left me. I have been feeling broken and run down.

And it is good that a few days ago I had opened this up with Adam. I was afraid that my constant denial would turn it into one of those big arguments....but I finally realized that this person I chose to spend the rest of my life with knows me better than I know myself. Because he could see that the trouble has been stirring inside me for quite a while now.

So then and there, in the car, under the heat of the morning sun, I cried my heart out. I have lost all the passion in me because lately I have been doing the things I love for the wrong reasons.

I have been doing yoga because I wanted to surf stronger; not because it made me feel good. Because I had the obsession of doing it every day to build my strength, even with my injuries so I hurt myself more in the process.

I have had a series of unfortunate surf sessions not because the conditions were bad or that my skills degraded....but I realized that lately I haven't been surfing for myself. I let all the criticisms and unimportant comments of people affect me. I was surfing for them and not for me. A year ago you could easily see me happy in the lineup and it didn't even matter if I caught a wave at all.

I have been a grumpy mom and wife at home because I let other people's opinions and actions affect my judgement and mood. I always worry about the acceptance of people. I always wondered why individuals I thought were friends cared none for me at all.

I haven't been writing honestly in this space and often edit my words because I am afraid to be judged and hated.

But does it really matter?

"No. It doesn't matter. They don't matter. What matters is us. You, me and our little girl. And that should be reason enough for you to be happy. Stop thinking about other people because we started this journey with just US. And we will continue to do so."

Those are Adam's words. And whenever I stumble and fall he is always there to pick me up. He has always been putting me back together, and it dawned on me that it is about time I listened. It is tiring to invest in people who will not (or who would not) do the same for you.

So, let's go!

"You are fierce. You're a survivor.

You're a fighter through and through.

Little brave, breathe.

There is a warrior within you."

On Being Brave

this journey