a week in my life

"How are you?" is one question I do not like to answer these days. There's just too much emotions-- I am happy I get to spend everyday with my kids because of the prolonged "summer vacation." I am also happy I get more time for my creative pursuits. On the other hand, I hate that the kids are missing out on their childhood; though I am naturally an introverted person being stuck at home with no change of scenery is already getting to me. My anxiety is now soaring high and I've spent weeks in a rut. I didn't want to draw, play games, socialize....I was basically stuck on Netflix and Animal Crossing.

Luckily, we have a spacious garage where the kids can still play around in. I can also jog here sometimes. But who wants to me negative all the time? Change is up to me and so change it is. I started to take photos again, draw little by little and do crafts with my girls. 

This week started slow, as I was still trying to get myself together. I traded HIIT workouts for gentle yoga because I've been feeling tired physically and emotionally. I wanted to take videos of our daily life but had the worst bout of headaches for days. I started feeling better last Sunday.

A bunch of my online orders came and one of them is a set of clay pots I was going to paint. My littles wanted in on it and I thought it would be a great activity for all of us. I am always thankful for Adam who documents these things. I am happy we share the same passion in taking pictures of our girls, of our life. 

So, nothing much happened last week...it was a Monday then suddenly a Sunday for me. LOL. I will do better documenting this week I hope. If you are reading this know that you are not alone. 

And so, here are some pictures Adam and I took this week.

This pandemic is getting to me and it is a tedious process to get even a little bit of positivity each day but I do it for my kids, for Adam, for my family and for myself. If you find yourself drowning, call a friend...talk to someone. It helps. 

On Being Brave

About a week ago I was sitting outside Bean's school listening to songs on my iPod. I had just downloaded a few recommended songs I've seen around in a while. I put the playlist on shuffle and there was this one particular song that got me crying. And yes, I literally cried...tears streaming down my cheeks. I was listening to Rachel Platten's "Fight Song."

As I have been sharing little by little in this blog, I am not in tip top shape; emotionally, mentally and physically. But before I delve into that I want you to see what the song is all about:

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
(Starting right now) I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep
Say I'm in too deep (I'm in too deep)

And it's been two years
I miss my home
But there's a fire burning in my bones
And I still believe
Yeah I still believe

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
(Starting right now) I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me
A lot of fight left in me

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
(Starting right now) I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Now I've still got a lot of fight left in me

When you were pubescent did you ever look up all the words to your favorite songs? And sometimes you try so hard to find meaning among those words just to be able to connect it to your life? Haha, guilty here! But this is not the case here, not when your thirty-sh. This song is me right now at this moment. 

I have openly shared that I found Yoga and surfing because I was heartbroken upon losing someone dear to me. Both helped me deal with so much grief that it became a part of my (and our) life. And then a year or so passes and we lose another loved one yet again. We lost our grandmother, our Nanay.

I am not really vocal about my feelings and I'd rather be writing it in my journal or here on this blog. But let me tell you this, the second to the last conversation between me and Nanay will always stay with me. And I have been thinking about it for a few months now.

I was sitting beside her accompanying her for lunch. She wasn't her usual lively self anymore and she didn't talk a lot because her voice was already hoarse. She asked me how I was, and I just said, "I'm okay." But I guess people who genuinely care about you, who really really know you...they can tell. And she prodded me more. Until I finally shared with her how I really felt about my life, being a mother, being a wife, daughter and a sister....and how "friendless" I have been feeling. We talked about the things I wanted to tell people but I can't for fear of judgement and rejection... to which she told me:

"Apong, lagi mong tatandaan na kailangan mo maging matapang. Kung may nararamdaman ka, sabihin mo. Kung ayaw ng tao marining yan, aba problema nila yan. Dahil lahat naman tayo may karapatan. Maging malakas ka."

(Grandchild, always remember that you need to be brave. If you feel something...you say it! If other people do not like what they hear then that's their problem. Everyone has right. Be strong.)

If you knew our Nanay, she was such a character! She may be tactless most of the time but she is always frank and direct. And you couldn't help but love her. Our last conversation was her telling the nurses how she took care of me while my parents had to work. She told them that I was such a crybaby (come to think of it, I still am! lol.) She told me what a good job I am doing in raising my daughter and the value of motherhood. And though I miss her so very much, I am grateful to have had the chance to be one of her grandchildren.

And so here it goes....I will be brave enough to write about how I have been feeling for the past few months:

I have been feeling disappointed. Disappointed and not sure if I am disappointed with myself or if it's because of the people around me. Unconsciously, I have been living my life trying to please people and trying to make them like me. Friendship does not come natural to me. When I was a kid I always got picked last...and so when I grew up I held on to those who called themselves my friends. I rarely said no to any favors (see, pleasing almost everybody). And then I always end up being discarded in the long run. I don't really know what I am doing wrong, or what I am not doing in order to keep friendships permanent. I used to have a lot of friends until we all became adults and then the ones left, I can only count on one hand. 

I have also entertained the thought of building new relationships, and I am always nice, not just because I want to please the person or make a friend, I genuinely am. But sometimes things just don't workout. Most people already discard me without even trying to get to know me.

Also, I have been feeling confused and bummed out because of making the mistake of assuming that  I can be worthy of being friends with people who appear to be cool on the outside but then end up so full of it in reality. Some people lead you to believe that they are open to everything and they live by the day.... then you find out they have issues, they talk behind your back and they bring you down with them.

And I am tired of making the effort. I am tired of pleasing people. This time if people want to be around me, if people need something from me, if people want to get to know me....I won't be the one chasing them around. Take the time and effort for me. 

I am so blessed to have a husband and daughter, my parents and a few friends who still make me see the brighter side of things. Now that I have got this out of my chest....there's no way to go but forward....move on, and be truly, genuinely happy again.

letting go and getting there

The days are passing slowly in contrast to the whirlwind of last year where almost all weekends were surf trips. We have been talking about it and as much as we like the line "surfing is everything," it really isn't so. My first priority, still, is being the best mother I could be. And I love it. I love it, so.

And although we are not taking care of a baby anymore, but raising a kid, it's still all sorts of fun. Most afternoons after school are spent doing art, playing, reading, baking...and other forms of creative play.

And I am very proud of my husband for providing us with this kind of life. Sometimes we know it seems as if surfing is on top of our priority list, it is not. It's still family and parenthood. Let me share a little bit of reality: I asked Adam if I could have a work desk in our home, nothing extravagant, just anywhere I can write and paint. When I still had a job online I was working on the floor, in the dining area or on the bed. But three years ago we were still figuring out how to budget his salary, so he told me we had to wait to get a desk. Three years later, he got me a simple desk and chair...and I am so happy and grateful! It took three years to get a desk but in those three years we were able to surf, go to a few yoga classes, go on trips to Hong Kong, Cambodia, Bali, and Singapore; we were able to meet all of Bean's needs...and some of our "wants."

In my previous post I wrote that I am taking a break from surfing because I have been disheartened somewhat...but reflecting on it...about the how simple life is if we choose not to complicate it...I am letting go.

"Sometimes what we learn

and who we become in the process of waiting

is even more important 

than what we are waiting for."

Just like those three years of waiting to get a desk. I will just enjoy my journey. I will surf for the fun of it, and take whatever comes my way. No more pressure. 

where did our baby go

Well, we're here. I never thought babyhood would be over quickly! When Bean was two years old I have already began to feel a little bit blue thinking that in a few years she would be off to school...and now she is.

No more late and relaxed mornings for the majority of the week. Aside from waking our girl early to prepare I wake up earlier to prepare her lunchbox, clothes and things for her classes.

I thought it would be a smooth transition. The school started two weeks of having classes every other day and Bean was doing great. But when school resumed with the normal daily schedule...the crying started. She was doing great last Monday and Tuesday. By Wednesday, I already saw the hesitation on her face during lineup. She was about to cry but she didn't. On Thursday, me and Adam brought her to school and while waiting for the kids to go inside the school, Bean kept hiding behind her dad. When it was time to lineup she burst into tears and cried for me. She held my hand as if the world depended on it. When their class was about to march in, she let go and walked. She walked in even while she was crying. I couldn't hold in my tears much longer so I let them go in the car . Even though our little girl cried she knew well she had to go to school.

At home, we told her how proud we were of her going to school. We told her it's okay to be a little sad. We asked her what was making her cry and i guessed it right! "I miss mama." Oh darn! Well, my heart misses her so much, too. Though a few hours of time for myself is a plus...I can't help but feel empty without her because for years we had a this little world of our own. And now, all of a sudden, something burst the bubble.

But we know that this is the only way to go and all of us can only grow. I have always been a positive parent. I try to be at my best everyday (though there are really bad days, to be honest.)

For the past few days, Bean has been going to school with a smile on her face...and we are just so proud of this little life we've made.