on life, motherhood, friendship and yoga

Lately, life is bittersweet. I admit to being in a slump and not feeling like my normal self at all like I've been swimming in all the negativity for months. Putting a stop to this was and still is very hard for me but I am glad that progress is here.

Our days are filled with busyness that sometimes I cannot cope. Adam leaves early for work at around 6:30 am and doesn't get home until 6 pm. I wake up early with my girls and do the usual school run. I prepare our meals, help with Bean's homework and take care and play with Eleanor. There are tons of things I would like to do for myself and goals I'd want to accomplish but accepting that now is not the time for those things has finally settled on me. I am not in a hurry because I want life to pass by slowly. I have all the time in the world and the only one pressuring me is myself.

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I am not a perfect mother, mind you. I love motherhood but the pictures I upload on social media is only a fragment of my life. On my IG stories you will find snippets of our "real world" daily. Bean and I argue a lot and some days I just break down when I am overwhelmed with my kids. The laundry isn't fixed all the time and our food isn't always "healthy," and I am okay with that. We mothers do what we can and that is what matters. Two days ago while driving Bean to school traffic was so bad that I cursed a van of nuns because they didn't follow traffic rules. My daughter scolded me for the profanities that came out of my mouth. And there I was embarrassed because Bean told me to keep it to myself.

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A few weeks ago I picked a fight with my husband. Not because he did anything wrong; it was just me being defensive--because there was an unresolved issue in my head that I couldn't quite voice out. in the middle of our fight he told me to just say what I want, say what I mean and say what really was bothering me. So I told him how my friends and I just grew apart, how everyone is so busy and that I felt alone. I also felt that I've lost the one friend I had left whom I thought was my best friend. So he comforted me and assured me that everything was okay.he asked me to take a look at our kids and our life and asked me..."are you not happy and content?" 

I realized that everything I needed and wanted was already in front of me. Then and there was my best friend all along, comforting me and telling me what wonders life has in store for us as long as we're in it together. And this was the beginning of my healing.

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I started practicing yoga halfway through 2013 after losing my cousin. I was in so much grief and I accidentally stumbled upon yoga because of the desire to have a Miranda Kerr body. LOL. Don't ask. Anyway, I have been practicing Ashtanga since then until I got pregnant and gave birth last year. At first I was doing it because it felt good physically, mentally and emotionally.  But as  time passed I was doing it for the wrong reasons: to get stronger fast to surf better, to not get fat and to perfect a pose--until I got a bad back and shoulder injury that I had to stop...timely that was also the time I was on baby number 2 so yoga had to take a back seat.But I did practice on and off during pregnancy.

After giving birth I wanted to lose the pregnancy weight fast and my husband advised me to take up running. And while I did come to love it and shed most of my post baby weight....I felt empty. Like I had a phantom limb. I realized that I miss yoga so much. It was more than a physical practice to me and I was just distracted by my desire to lose some weight. 

So I renewed my relationship with this practice and started from scratch. It's been a week and I feel so much better and much more positive than last month. I aim to progress but to just do what I can at the moment. I keep this in mind all the time: practice and all is coming. I am still not able to make my crow fly consistently but I believe that one day it will! 

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I bought Rupi Kaur's second book, "The Sun and her Flowers," and I feel so inspired. I like poetry but I was never a fan until now. I feel like I need to make space for poetry books in my shelves (or Kindle Library.) She has a very creative way of expressing how girls and women feel about their bodies, their beauty, pain and difficulties.  If you haven't read it yet, I suggest that you do!

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Another form of easing my anxiety is painting. I started painting flowers again and I feel so good. 

realizations, truths and new adventures

2017 started out great for us--we got to surf, we had a nanny for the littlest, we went back to the place where we felt home and welcomed...but it all went a little downhill for a while. This post may come out a bit unedited for the sole reason that I just got too tired...tired of being the good person, tired of being quiet and suppressing each and everything that I feel for the sake of others. I crave for change, a reinvention...this might be caused by my post partum self...or maybe not but I am happy to do this. I am happy to begin.

In the middle of January, we asked our nanny to get an X-ray because both our kids have been having cough and colds on and off since December. It shocked me that she got mad and asked us if she could already leave! So, we let her go but a week after she sent us a message telling us to get the girls checked because she has tuberculosis. Imagine the horror I felt! And so we got them tested and sadly, little Ellie has primary complex. She is now on medication until August. I hate this situation, mostly because administering three kinds of medicine to a baby isn't a walk in the park! It takes precision and patience mostly now that I am without help of a nanny and taking care of two kids.

I tried hard to develop a routine for us while Adam is at work. I'd wake up extra early to prepare Bean's lunchbox...and then I check if there is someone I can leave Ellie with so I can drive Bean to school. During the times that there isn't anybody, Ellie comes with us. While Bean is in school I feed Ellie and she takes her morning nap wherein I prepare in advance our lunch and our dinner. When she decides not to nap then it's another day for takeout. I/ we fetch Bean, have lunch and then Ellie will feed and take her longest nap of the day where Bean does her homework and where I wash her bottles and either do yoga, paint or if there are more house chores this is the time to I can accomplish them. When Ellie wakes up, we take a walk outside and then I give the kids a bath and then dinner and sleep. Most of the time I try to wait up for my husband but he usually comes home and I am already in la la land.

Come mid-February I have been feeling really down because of feeling rejected. For almost four years there's a place that felt like home to us...and people I thought who cared...but to my surprise it was just one way, I guess? But I don't want this incident to leave a negative effect with my feelings towards the place because looking at the bigger picture...it wasn't just those people that mattered....everything else except for them were the things that mattered to me.

March came and prompted me to re-think the things that are important to me, the things I want to do and what I want in this life. It's quite simple, really! What's important to me is my family. The things I want to do is to continue doing art, yoga, surfing and to fix this little blog of mine! In this life,  want to express who I really am and how I really feel through the things I paint, the words I write, the clothes I wear, the music I listen to, and how I interact with the people that matter and just be happy about it. I just want to live a happy life with my family.

It might come as a surprise but even though my SIL is younger than me, we've gotten close over the years. We have daily conversations (face to face or on Messenger) about everything under the sun! This May our whole family will be going to Korea again and we're so excited because we have decided that this is the time to live our #ootd dreams! So I have been preoccupied coming up with clothing combinations for myself and our girls. It's fun for me and it makes me look forward to our trip (because plane rides terrify me.)

April--we have our annual trip to our beach house during Holy Week and this is the time of the year we spend with my mother's side of the family--my aunts, uncles and cousins. I look forward to this trip and it always makes me giddy with excitement because my cousins are a whole lot of fun to be with! Also, it's Ellie's first time there. Our stay was extremely hot which made the baby quite irritable save for the times she stayed in the air conditioned room! But she was such a trooper because when the sun starts to set and the air becomes a little cool then she'll have her fun! Our stay was fun....my brothers, SIL, cousins and even my nephew went to take surfing lessons while me and Adam surfed. I am beyond stoked to be back in the water!

Bougainvilleas were also in bloom, so I told Adam (my official #instagramhusband) that I wanted to take pictures. But actually, my SIL and I have already planned to take pictures and we were already prepared for it. lol! While Bean and her cousing Winter were playing, we took Ellie with us during the shoot. It was hot and humid but the place was just stunning!

Summer and the second quarter of the year has just begun and I am already feeling optimistic about this change I am making. Thank God for the bad things that happened because if not for them I wouldn't have realized what the important things in my life are. 

New Chapter

It's been exactly three and a half months since I gave birth to Eleanor, 8 months since Bean has been to the beach, 5 months since Adam last surfed and 11 months since I last did. It all feels like another life from what we have now. It indeed is with our newest and littlest member!

I remember clearly how terrified I was before having my second C-section. The doctor kept on prompting me to start and I kept on stalling and making known how anxious I was. To ease my panic my dad kept on telling me that after I got through the operation I will be able to meet my baby. I will be able to surf again. I will be able to do yoga again. And so it was done.

The recovery was a breeze. I was up and about a few days after with minimal pain while taking care of our baby and Bean. I knew that it would take about 8-10 weeks before I could do light exercises but I had no idea when I could resume with the things I used to do before I got pregnant. So after my first post partum checkup I asked how long before I can start my daily yoga practice and when I can get back in the water. The answer wasn't what I wanted to hear: 12 weeks before yoga plus 2 more before surfing. I had no choice but to do light workouts like jogging and basic stretching. The more challenging thing was that I am not used to not exercising everyday because now we have two kids and time for myself is so so precious sometimes I use it to nap, to read, to take a bath....you get the idea.

But after getting into a routine with the littles, life was starting to get its rhythm back. Add to that, we found a nanny that helps me balance my time between Ellie and Bean. And so Adam planned and pushed for our first trip of the year.

Knowing that I am such a worrywart he talked to me about not having any expectations regarding surfing--to forget what I could do before and just focus on the "now." How could I not worry when my core is nowhere to be found? I need help getting up from bed, and the simple "stomach in" command in my brain doesn't connect to my abdominal area. I do not feel anything happening in there. Well, it still must be whacked from the operation and I keep on reminding myself that it will heal in time.

Another concern for me was not liking my post baby body. I am very self-conscious about this having always been the fat kid. But maybe because I am more mature and it has dawned on me that nobody gives a sh*t anyway, I decided not to mind it, too. And that's that. I may or may not lose the extra weight...but I won't let it ruin my fun.

And so we made the trip! I wasn't so worried about the long drive because Ellie is such a trooper. She sleeps automatically in the car. True enough, it was such a breeze because the two kids slept all the way through until we arrived in our destination.

The forecast was perfect for us "oldies" because we haven't surfed for a long time. And with help from our local friends and encouragement from my husband, I was able to catch a wave....after two days and four hours of water time. I felt golden! Until I entertained the thought of the way I used to surf-- how weak and easily tired I already get.

So not to spoil my experience Adam told me not to worry because we have our whole lifetime to regain what progress we used to have...who knows, maybe even better. Right?

Another highlight of our trip is how much Bean enjoyed it. She constantly tells us how much she misses the beach and how she wants to bring her baby sister there. Bean had a blast playing in the shallow water and running around in the sand.

As for Ellie, she is such a sport! She smiles and laughs at anyone who talks to her. She loves being outdoors, and what we are loving right now is how she sleeps through the night! LOL...every new parents' dream.

We know the surf trips we well be having this year wouldn't be as often as before...and that's okay. My family is my home and I wouldn't have it any other way.