on life, motherhood, friendship and yoga

Lately, life is bittersweet. I admit to being in a slump and not feeling like my normal self at all like I've been swimming in all the negativity for months. Putting a stop to this was and still is very hard for me but I am glad that progress is here.

Our days are filled with busyness that sometimes I cannot cope. Adam leaves early for work at around 6:30 am and doesn't get home until 6 pm. I wake up early with my girls and do the usual school run. I prepare our meals, help with Bean's homework and take care and play with Eleanor. There are tons of things I would like to do for myself and goals I'd want to accomplish but accepting that now is not the time for those things has finally settled on me. I am not in a hurry because I want life to pass by slowly. I have all the time in the world and the only one pressuring me is myself.

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I am not a perfect mother, mind you. I love motherhood but the pictures I upload on social media is only a fragment of my life. On my IG stories you will find snippets of our "real world" daily. Bean and I argue a lot and some days I just break down when I am overwhelmed with my kids. The laundry isn't fixed all the time and our food isn't always "healthy," and I am okay with that. We mothers do what we can and that is what matters. Two days ago while driving Bean to school traffic was so bad that I cursed a van of nuns because they didn't follow traffic rules. My daughter scolded me for the profanities that came out of my mouth. And there I was embarrassed because Bean told me to keep it to myself.

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A few weeks ago I picked a fight with my husband. Not because he did anything wrong; it was just me being defensive--because there was an unresolved issue in my head that I couldn't quite voice out. in the middle of our fight he told me to just say what I want, say what I mean and say what really was bothering me. So I told him how my friends and I just grew apart, how everyone is so busy and that I felt alone. I also felt that I've lost the one friend I had left whom I thought was my best friend. So he comforted me and assured me that everything was okay.he asked me to take a look at our kids and our life and asked me..."are you not happy and content?" 

I realized that everything I needed and wanted was already in front of me. Then and there was my best friend all along, comforting me and telling me what wonders life has in store for us as long as we're in it together. And this was the beginning of my healing.

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I started practicing yoga halfway through 2013 after losing my cousin. I was in so much grief and I accidentally stumbled upon yoga because of the desire to have a Miranda Kerr body. LOL. Don't ask. Anyway, I have been practicing Ashtanga since then until I got pregnant and gave birth last year. At first I was doing it because it felt good physically, mentally and emotionally.  But as  time passed I was doing it for the wrong reasons: to get stronger fast to surf better, to not get fat and to perfect a pose--until I got a bad back and shoulder injury that I had to stop...timely that was also the time I was on baby number 2 so yoga had to take a back seat.But I did practice on and off during pregnancy.

After giving birth I wanted to lose the pregnancy weight fast and my husband advised me to take up running. And while I did come to love it and shed most of my post baby weight....I felt empty. Like I had a phantom limb. I realized that I miss yoga so much. It was more than a physical practice to me and I was just distracted by my desire to lose some weight. 

So I renewed my relationship with this practice and started from scratch. It's been a week and I feel so much better and much more positive than last month. I aim to progress but to just do what I can at the moment. I keep this in mind all the time: practice and all is coming. I am still not able to make my crow fly consistently but I believe that one day it will! 

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I bought Rupi Kaur's second book, "The Sun and her Flowers," and I feel so inspired. I like poetry but I was never a fan until now. I feel like I need to make space for poetry books in my shelves (or Kindle Library.) She has a very creative way of expressing how girls and women feel about their bodies, their beauty, pain and difficulties.  If you haven't read it yet, I suggest that you do!

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Another form of easing my anxiety is painting. I started painting flowers again and I feel so good. 

Me at 30

Me at thirty years old is so different from me in my twenties. I have never been so committed, so active, so loving, so forgiving and many more! I guess marriage and motherhood did me good. Back then I would live for late nights, alcohol and poker; at present I enjoy being healthy, fit and creative. I used to be so conscious whenever I gained weight, whenever my skin gets tanned from the sun...I always used to care so much about how people perceived me. Here are some facts about the younger me:

1. I used to be anorexic.

2. I was very scared to sleep.

3. I was terrified of being happy.

4. I wanted a child but I didn't like the "gaining weight" part of pregnancy.

5. I spent most of my time daydreaming.

6. I am very paranoid about my friends. When somebody accidentally ignored me...I thought I did something wrong.

7. I loved money. I even volunteered to do overtimes and clock in during holidays for more pay.

8. You would rarely see me in flat shoes.

9. I drove fast....and furious.

10. I was hopeless.

And at present (30 years old):

1. I am happy to say that I eat regularly...sometimes more. I have cheat days...but mostly I eat a lot of fruits and vegetables. Nope, I quit being vegan.

2. I still sleep late...but hey...I sleep!

3. I bask in the sunlight! I make it a point to choose to be happy no matter what the situation. This is something Adam has instilled in me. It did not go smoothly at first...but look where I am now.

4. I did gain around 33 lbs during my pregnancy...but I really fell hard for motherhood that I didn't really notice the "gains" until my old clothes fit just right.

5. Instead of daydreaming...me and my little family are making all our hopes and dreams come true! I used to dream of doing yoga, going surfing, being a good cook, traveling; I am happy to say I/we are able to do these things at the moment (and hopefully until forever)!

6. "I used to walk into a room full of people and wonder if they liked me; now I look around and wonder if I like them." This quote sums up pretty much of it.

7. I don't care about money... as long as me and my family are healthy and happy I am okay.

8. You'd almost always see me in flip flops or sneakers.

9. I drive safely and carefully. Thank you to my daughter for this.

10. I am hopeful about everything. Though my faith isn't as strong as I'd want it to be...I know that I am getting there.


I guess I've changed a lot because of all the events in my life--good or bad. I got married; had a kid; lost my cousin; I have been happy and sad; I have laughed and cried...I've been a little evil and now I'm all about goodness. Being thirty isn't so bad. It made me see how life is beautiful.

Imperfect ; I'm + Perfect

My Yoga journey started half a year before I decided to learn how to surf. I was in love with Yoga first. In fact, I made it a point to do it daily ever since I stepped into a studio and had my first class. The reason I took it up was because I lost a special person in my life, my cousin. I felt so broken and whatever I do I couldn't seem to pick myself up to do anything about it. I'd spend afternoons crying while Bean takes her nap. I cry in the bathroom; I cry when Adam is at work...and I did not want to be like that forever. Yes, I know I would permanently miss my cousin and I might be permanently hurt because of her passing...but I did not want to be too weak to handle myself. And so I went to the nearest studio and the rest is history.

But then, surfing really got to me....all of me...and I took my Yoga practice for granted. I kept on doing it day after day for the wrong reasons. I wanted to become stronger to catch those waves and so...most times I'd pay no mind to my breathing or alignment...as if I wanted to go through the asanas just to get it over with. I even failed to listen to my body which led to my first major injury.

Good thing I got injured! 2015 was supposed to be the year I would focus on my arm balances...but maybe my body is trying to tell me that I need to take a step back and remember the true essence of practicing Yoga. Realizing this...that I need to be grounded before I take flight...will keep me from causing more injuries to myself. That is why I am not sad about getting my hand and wrist all haywire.

Adam also stopped his practice because he is very busy at work. It was just either yoga or surf...and there is no question as to what he would choose. But I remain in good spirits because even though Yoga isn't on the top of his priorities he would still find some time to practice with me.

A daily practice is hard to maintain, mostly when your three-year old would be running around in circles making a mess...climbing on top of you while you do an upward dog....or crawling under you on your downward facing dog. But I laugh it off when I see her attempting to do a cat/cow pose and then pretends that she can do a headstand when she actually can't.

Today is the actually another first...it's my first time doing my full practice after three weeks of healing. My hand/wrist hasn't fully recovered yet...but for now it is enough. Adam had the idea to photograph some of the asanas I can do. I may not have the best posture; my alignment might still be off; I do not have the perfect "Yoga body" but the one I have keeps me breathing and living. I am not perfect for everyone; but I am just perfect for me.

out of control; out of balance

"Eat like you love yourself.

Move like you love yourself.

Speak like you love yourself.

Act like you love yourself."

-Tara Stiles

I had a great surf session almost three weeks ago. We had a great surf session almost three weeks ago. And then I went home with an injured hand and wrist. I cannot lift anything; I can barely move my fingers and my entire hand. I cannot do yoga...and I absolutely cannot surf.

If you knew me...you'd probably think I am hard headed and will not stop. I did not. Knowing there was something wrong with me I still did my full Ashtanga practice two consecutive days after we surfed. It made my condition worse. Really worse.

So I had to stop doing both things. I had to heal and it will take time. Honestly, I was bummed and almost couldn't see the brighter side of the situation. You see I am one who over thinks until there's no tomorrow. A few things that went through my head were:

1. What if I stopped doing both things I loved....would I get back to square one?

2. Would everything I worked hard for amount to nothing because I stopped?

3. Would I lose the body I toned because of doing yoga religiously.

4.Would I get panic attacks or anxiety because I will not be doing my regular practice?

5. Would this reflect on my well-being as a mother, wife, daughter, sister or friend?

But aside from these worries my goal was to heal because if I don't then I won't be able to do yoga or surf permanently.

It was so hard for me to stop. I devoured books like crazy; over-played with my daughter, read and reread my books on yoga and surf. I replaced my yoga practice with other exercises that did not involve my left arm and hand. I waited patiently until one morning I can move my fingers. And then the next morning I can move my hand from side to side; the next day I can finally grip things; and then the next...I can already twist my hands from my wrist....

...and finally, I can put pressure on my hands again. I was so happy that I can be back at it....but with caution. I have already done yoga three times with modifications on chaturanga and any arm-balance. I refrain from doing the full wheel pose because an angled pressure to my hands and wrist still causes discomfort.

I am the type of person who wishes to be in control most of the time. Unfortunately, reality sometimes can go out of balance...and that's when we need to be pliant. And I realized that one thing yoga continuously teaches me is how to be  flexible....not just in doing the asanas; but also in life.

Tomorrow we are going on a trip and I will try to surf. Though I am worried about what will or might happen Adam always tells me to take it one step at a time; breathe and just let things be. So I will. I listen to my husband regarding these things because, for the most part in my surfing life, he is the one with the wisdom to make me succeed. I have plans and I have goals....I usually take a lot of detours to reach them and often times I get lost along the way...but with Adam...I reach them way ahead of time. And I am grateful...so grateful that I have him in my life.