Motherhood Lately

I never would have thought I'd be a mother because it wasn't really one of my goals when I was younger. But then I became one...and then again I am a mother for the second time even when I said one child was enough. I said one was enough not just because I was traumatized with my first birth experience but also because of other issues within myself:

After birthing a baby I feel that I lose myself. From pregnancy to having the baby and the recovery period I AM NOT MYSELF. Physically and emotionally. Mentally, I try to hold on to every bit of me possible. I am very vocal about this with my husband even with my first pregnancy. I would always tell him that one of my main concerns was getting my body back. I know, it is so superficial and it seems irrelevant to most but that's it for me. I am not vain but I am very conscious because if you've followed my blog from the start you'd know that I was a fat kid who went through eating disorders and excessive exercise. With Bean, it took almost a year to lose the weight and another year to achieve a toner version of me.

It has been a month since having Eleanor and I haven't gotten the go signal to workout and I'm already thinking of the long journey to achieve my goals. I am the type of person who wants to get to the finish line fast but this time I don't see it happening because within a month I have experienced how it is to have two kids. I still haven't found that balance!

I tell this to Adam and he assures me that I could do it, to just enjoy the journey and that I will get there before I know it. Believe me, I love my children more than anything in this world but I figured that to be the best mother for them, I need to work on myself, too. I need to be happy... and getting myself back is a part of it.

Another issue I am having right now is not being able to surf. I honestly miss it so much! Before getting pregnant we discussed this already. I told myself that I'd be back in the water by January next year. But last night we began talking about it and then suddenly it turned into a mini misunderstanding because my husband suggested that on December maybe I could start again and get pushed into waves just to get a hang of it again. I asked him why I needed to get pushed if he was confident that I haven't lost whatever skill I had prior to having our baby? He explained to me that his point was not to pressure me and for me to just have fun...but I got depressed because it dawned on me that everything I've worked hard for was worth nothing now. I'd have to put in the same amount of effort just to be able to do what I love.

I had a moment of internal breakdown. And then I thought to myself...so what? So what if I'm back at square one? I have a husband who would do anything to make me happy, who loves me and thinks the world of me; I have two kids who make me feel like a million bucks. Surfing will always be there but being a mother to Bean and Ellie is just once in a lifetime.

Having Bean made me feel lucky and blessed; having Eleanor made me feel even luckier and even more blessed. But honestly, I already worried about favoring one over the other while I was pregnant. My relationship with Bean is quite special. She's my daughter, my hero and my best friend. She made me grow up. She made me become the best version of myself and made me open up to the world. And then this new little person comes into our lives and I was so nervous about it. I thought it would tip our world off balance...

Bean and I have our episodes of drama, missing how it was before her sister came. But looking at the big picture we both adore little Ellie! It may be hard when both of them need me at the same time but we're slowly getting there.

Bringing a child into this world makes me lose myself. It tears me into pieces on the inside but my children are the ones who help me put myself back together....stronger and better. Believe me, I was so tempted to do a little nip and tuck to the pictures my husband took of me but I didn't. I may not like it at the moment but this version of me gave birth to two wonderful girls and I wouldn't change a thing. I have goals and I will get there, one step at a time. For now I will enjoy every moment of loving my little people and getting loved in return.

Mixed Emotions

We are so ready to meet our baby girl no. 2! It seems like only yesterday that I took a test, confident that it wasn't just "the month" yet and that I would be having my period the same day or the next. And while packing my daughter's lunch box, a quick glance at the test shocked me (in a good way), two lines! So I quickly made a note to surprise Adam, who had to read it a couple of times to understand the message. LOL.

Though we have been looking forward to this for a time now, I was hesitant because I was traumatized with my first birth experience! But thanks to the support of my husband and daughter...we're already here ready to say hello to this little one.

But this post isn't only about that, but my current worries and how Bean has been coping with the situation. Being an over thinker and a paranoid person my mind is constantly plagued with weird and crazy things which are ever so random that's why I busy myself with house chores, art, organization, etc. These days I think about the adjustment our little family will have, especially Bean.

She has stepped up quite a lot ever since I got pregnant. She's the one who holds my hand and pats my back when my face is stuffed in the toilet vomiting the whole day. She let's me nap during the afternoon while she quietly plays or draws beside me. She also always asks me how I am, if I have a headache, if I need a hug. Small things that make my heart swell with joy...and feel that the whole day vomiting and nausea isn't so bad.

During this last trimester, my movement and activities have been limited. I asked our OB if I can still drive, and at the start of the month she said "NO," but I told her I don't have a choice because nobody will bring our daughter to school until October. I explained that the school is a 5 minute drive away, to which she said "okay" as long as there is still space between the steering wheel and my bump. The thing is, it takes great effort to walk from the parking to the gate and back (it actually takes effort to walk at all because baby no. 2 sat on a nerve somewhere.)

Accompanying Bean to school has become my security blanket--like it's the last connection I have to her being my baby! But I had to give that up, too. I talked to her about being dropped off the gate, and at first she cried. But I explained to her that I couldn't walk and that it pains me a lot to do so. I told her I didn't want this to happen but we have to adjust because in the coming days things are going to change and that she's going to be a big sister already. I am glad she finally gave in. And so we started our new routine, not just with things involving school but also here at home.

It's so surprising that somebody 26 years younger than me has taught me so much more than my experiences to this day. I am so happy to find a best friend in my own daughter. I know my heart has to grow to accommodate two littles, but my little miss Bean will always be special.

Dream Life? Not Really + Surf Last Weekend

A little over a week ago an old friend messaged me on Facebook and asked how I was. So we chatted for a bit and he seemed to want to catch up. We talked about how life is at present, etc. Then he pointed out that all I seem to do is surf. Well, there's nothing wrong with that. But what bothered me was when he said, "You're living the dream life, huh?"

I don't really know on what tone that should've come out as...but it got me irritated. Does posting positive aspects of your life and your passions make you live the "dream life"? Social media leads us to assume things about a person most of the time. I love Instagram and I document my life there a lot. I upload photos of Bean, Adam, food, surfing, yoga, art, happy events and such. I do also post about my troubles there sometimes but who would want to see that?!

I answered that person as honestly as I could...I told him that I am not living the "dream life" but I am living a happy life. Everyday, even if when I have the blues I always choose to be happy. If we were living the dream life we would have all the money in the world, not work and surf all day every day.

In reality, Adam works so hard for the three of us. We cut down on the "wants" and focus on the "needs" or necessities in life. We always put Bean first because we believe in responsible parenting and we make it a point to shower her with love.

Take for example our surf trip this last weekend....while the pictures may seem all fun and happy...I didn't snap photos of myself not feeling well because I was sick and I surfed....or when me and Adam are hurrying to wash Bean's bottles....or document how we lose patience with Bean whenever she'd cry to get what she wants. I didn't take pictures of her throwing a fit because she refused to eat...or how before a good surf would happen you'd see us lugging around a plastic of toys, a bag of snacks and drinks for our girl, a bag for our cameras, a bag for our equipment (fins, leg ropes, wax, sunblock, etc.), and two surfboards. There are no pictures of how sometimes we fight over whose turn it is to go out in the water.....but the important thing is in spite of everything...we are happy.

Lately, I easily get troubled with trivial matters...but at the end of the day...as I tuck my little girl into bed I see how blessed I am. Before I go to sleep I see my husband beside me tired from work and I see how blessed I am. And I am all set.