I never would have thought I'd be a mother because it wasn't really one of my goals when I was younger. But then I became one...and then again I am a mother for the second time even when I said one child was enough. I said one was enough not just because I was traumatized with my first birth experience but also because of other issues within myself:
After birthing a baby I feel that I lose myself. From pregnancy to having the baby and the recovery period I AM NOT MYSELF. Physically and emotionally. Mentally, I try to hold on to every bit of me possible. I am very vocal about this with my husband even with my first pregnancy. I would always tell him that one of my main concerns was getting my body back. I know, it is so superficial and it seems irrelevant to most but that's it for me. I am not vain but I am very conscious because if you've followed my blog from the start you'd know that I was a fat kid who went through eating disorders and excessive exercise. With Bean, it took almost a year to lose the weight and another year to achieve a toner version of me.
It has been a month since having Eleanor and I haven't gotten the go signal to workout and I'm already thinking of the long journey to achieve my goals. I am the type of person who wants to get to the finish line fast but this time I don't see it happening because within a month I have experienced how it is to have two kids. I still haven't found that balance!
I tell this to Adam and he assures me that I could do it, to just enjoy the journey and that I will get there before I know it. Believe me, I love my children more than anything in this world but I figured that to be the best mother for them, I need to work on myself, too. I need to be happy... and getting myself back is a part of it.
Another issue I am having right now is not being able to surf. I honestly miss it so much! Before getting pregnant we discussed this already. I told myself that I'd be back in the water by January next year. But last night we began talking about it and then suddenly it turned into a mini misunderstanding because my husband suggested that on December maybe I could start again and get pushed into waves just to get a hang of it again. I asked him why I needed to get pushed if he was confident that I haven't lost whatever skill I had prior to having our baby? He explained to me that his point was not to pressure me and for me to just have fun...but I got depressed because it dawned on me that everything I've worked hard for was worth nothing now. I'd have to put in the same amount of effort just to be able to do what I love.
I had a moment of internal breakdown. And then I thought to myself...so what? So what if I'm back at square one? I have a husband who would do anything to make me happy, who loves me and thinks the world of me; I have two kids who make me feel like a million bucks. Surfing will always be there but being a mother to Bean and Ellie is just once in a lifetime.
Having Bean made me feel lucky and blessed; having Eleanor made me feel even luckier and even more blessed. But honestly, I already worried about favoring one over the other while I was pregnant. My relationship with Bean is quite special. She's my daughter, my hero and my best friend. She made me grow up. She made me become the best version of myself and made me open up to the world. And then this new little person comes into our lives and I was so nervous about it. I thought it would tip our world off balance...
Bean and I have our episodes of drama, missing how it was before her sister came. But looking at the big picture we both adore little Ellie! It may be hard when both of them need me at the same time but we're slowly getting there.
Bringing a child into this world makes me lose myself. It tears me into pieces on the inside but my children are the ones who help me put myself back together....stronger and better. Believe me, I was so tempted to do a little nip and tuck to the pictures my husband took of me but I didn't. I may not like it at the moment but this version of me gave birth to two wonderful girls and I wouldn't change a thing. I have goals and I will get there, one step at a time. For now I will enjoy every moment of loving my little people and getting loved in return.
