7th

Our eldest is now 7 years old. As you know me I would probably say, "Oh! How time flies," and yes, flew it did. Honestly, I would like to organize my daughters' birthday parties as much as I can until the time they tell me to stop. I would do everything for them until they are ready to do things on their own. I'm just that kind of mother no matter what the opinion of others are. My kids' joy are my joy, their sadness is also my sadness and I just want to be there for them.

Anyway, Bean has planned her party for almost a month now and we wanted to make her feel extra special because we've all been so busy adjusting to her transition from preschool to grade school-- there is a significant change in the dynamic of our relationship which I will save for another post. Giving her extra love and attention was our top priority. She chose to do a MINECRAFT themed party this time so I ordered some balloons and a few decorations. I also made her cake and cupcakes and all the food that was on her list. She had her own list of people to invite, most of it was planned by her.

But the weather just didn't cooperate and I lacked the energy to reschedule because I've been tired during her exam week, cooking, taking care of Ellie, and moving house. So Adam and I discussed it and decided to go on with it even if people won't be able to come due to the floods. We also talked to her and told her about the situation. She told us she understood and that it was okay.

Shout out to my tita Mita and tito Joven who were able to make it! To the others guests, we truly understand.

I admit to have been disappointed with the situation because in our culture turning 7 years old is supposed to be one big celebration--but it is what it is and I don't want to stress myself over it anymore. I'm just a mom who wants her daughter to be happy--and surprisingly, she is happy.

I am quite surprised how resilient my little miss has become--from being the OC toddler she was...she adjusts well to changes now--better than me, even!

To my dearest Madeleine Bean, I am so very proud of you. It is an honor and privilege to be your mother. I am grateful to you each day. Thank you for being my source of strength and being the light in my times of darkness. No amount of words could describe how much I love you. Happy 7th, my love.

and here we are

I can't believe it but here we are. My original baby is now in first grade. I think it sunk in really slow because I was overthinking about her first day. What an emotional roller coaster it was for me! While most parents are excited that their kids are going to school...I am totally the opposite in some aspects because to me school means I need to slowly let go.

On Bean's first day of school I woke up extra early to figure out our new schedule. I also cooked and prepared our breakfast and her packed lunch. Adam took the day off from work to come with us. A few days before  the start of classes Bean already expressed her nervousness. Of course we understood why, it's a new environment and she didn't have friends yet. And one of her bigger concerns was, "What if nobody spoke English?" LOL! But I totally get it because she doesn't use our mother tongue.

We walked her to her classroom and as I held her hand I could feel how clammy it was...and I knew deep within me that she was going to cry. Surprisingly she held it in...until it was time to say see you later. I was worried that she won't be able to stop but once it was time to start she was already composed. And because me and Adam are weirdly attached to our kids we opted to wait for her there--sat in the car for hours until our girl came out. I asked her about her day and she said it was boring but she made a friend.

The next day, both of us went with her again and I told her we'd help her bring her books to her classroom because they were too heavy to carry but the guard wouldn't let me in because I was wearing denim shorts. So her daddy accompanied her. I waited outside. When Adam came out I asked him if she cried and he said she did because I wasn't able to go with them. I am a little bit worried because she's already almost seven and small changes in detail bother her so much but I guess she got it from me because my anxiety spikes under such circumstances.

I was still in a high from preparing her school supplies and snacks and I got a little excited when she told us she already made friends and that big school isn't so bad. Come the third day and I finally felt that I wasn't okay.

As we wheeled her stroller to the school gate, I told her they wouldn't allow me to bring her to her room anymore but I was also going to the admin to get a car sticker. We kissed and bid each other see you later then walked our own ways. But I stopped and looked back. Bean was pulling her stroller, her hair in it's usual bun. A tad bit taller, a whole lot older than she was last school year. My heart was breaking a little bit because how can somebody who fit perfectly in my arms grow into such a young lady in such a short time?! I feel that somehow time cheated and put everything in fast forward.

My bond with Bean is different from the one I have with Eleanor. I love them the same but the mother in me grew up with Bean. I became what I am because she was born. She is my daughter and my best friend....and she's the one who taught me all the things I know now as a mom.

Anyway, so I proceeded to get the car sticker and held all my emotions in. By the time I got to the car I was already crying. It's a mix of sadness, happiness and mostly how proud I am where we are now.I think as parents, me and Adam are doing a great job no matter how others judge us. I always tell Bean to just try her best at school and don't mind her grades too much. I never put pressure on her I just tell her that the most important thing for me is that she enjoys and that she is happy.

I am just so damn proud of her.

Bye Bye Baby; Hello Little Lady

I have been feeling weird a lot lately but this sinking feeling started around a month after Ellie's birth. It's as if every time I looked at my eldest I was at a loss for words with how I felt so I put it at the back of my mind and continued on mothering my girls. But from time to time my husband points out to me that it seems as if I am being a bit hard on Bean. Little mistakes she made would irk me and I lose my patience easily. So most days I keep myself on check.

Until a few more months passed and I noticed that I am indeed a little hard on her. We saw how she started losing confidence in school and became more shy. She'd start to keep to herself--telling us she'd prefer to play by herself. So I knew it was time to face what I've been denying to myself all along.

I am mourning the period of my life when it was just us two. I am not unhappy with our littlest but I miss my eldest even if she is just beside me. I look at her and I remember our own little world and it seems a lifetime ago already. I distinctly recall how I go to the bathroom and try to pee or poop while holding her; preparing and eating my meals while I carry her; how I clean the house while distracting her with her toys. I remember how I sang to her to put her to sleep--and then telling her stories and reading her books before bedtime.

I guess that's how it really is when your baby is growing up. I miss her being small but I am proud and excited of the person she is growing up to be. I have taken action about this issue in my life and I am spending as much time with her as I can before she really really becomes a teenager. LOL!

Bean right now is such a surprise to me! Her confidence is back--she even signed up for acting classes. She reads her books to me before bedtime and I am quite happy she's into chapter books already. She loves to sing and dance and is a big help to me in taking care of Ellie.

I am not a perfect mom but I think am doing a good job. Bean is a very big reminder of this for me. She is my source of strength and she is full of wisdom.

There is one memory I wish to keep in my heart for the rest of my life: It was a sunny day and I drove Bean to school. I parked the car and helped her with her bag as we walked towards the school gate. I gave her a rundown of my schedule for that day and I mentioned to her that I needed to squeeze in a run in the afternoon as I've skipped too many days of exercise. And she told me, "Why do you need to exercise, mom? You look good already, and even if you change, even if you get fat your still perfect for me. To me you're the most beautiful in the world, mom. So don't worry anymore."

Those words mean so much to me; and I couldn't for the life of me, believe that a 6-year old told me that.

I am such a lucky mom. I really am.