early this year, it hit me--life is short. in fact, too short. we lost a loved one; she was just 29 years old. she's a year older than me. i never thought she's go that fast...but that's what happened. it has been almost six months since she passed, and every time i reflect on it...i come to feel that i need to make the best of my life right now--this life. because it is just too precious to waste. so, i took up yoga. i have always been interested, but because i let my insecurities win i always put it aside. i don't like looking weird or funny in front of people. i hate getting embarrassed. and it took me 28 years to realize that it doesn't matter. i am still committed to my daily yoga practice; it has been four months now. the progress is slow, but steadily building up--my flexibility and balance are up high in my record; strength--not so much. but the reward i get from it is priceless. i feel at peace, i feel happy. the insecurities haven't really disappeared but...i can control them when needed.
there are a lot more i want to do with in this life. aside from getting better at yoga; i want to catch up with my husband on his surfing. he let me try last 2010; i was ecstatic. however, travel to the sea was scarce, work was busy, and i was just afraid of people judging me. as kids, we were very sheltered...no dangerous things or activities allowed. so when my husband asked me to try to learn to surf...we had almost an hour of fighting before i said yes (i even cried to get out of it...hey, we didn't travel 11 hours on a bus just for me to say no). it was hard to stand up on a board, honestly. because i don't really know the extent of my balance and the capability of my body; also, i had no strength from years of battling an eating disorder. i tried so hard that day...and eventually, i did it. i got to ride. it was liberating.
upon coming home i did research about surfing, i even tried to learn about the different boards, and reading waves. but because i was then procrastinating life...it never happened. we got pregnant, had a baby. this year he asked me to try again. and it slapped me on the face. i lost my balance. in that two-hour surf lesson i was behind almost everyone. i always fell in the water.
from that day on, i stopped trying.
my husband is consistent with his surfing. he practices almost every weekend; and i never told him i was envious because i am too scared to try. i always watch him from afar. i watch all the people surfing, imagining it was me. i want to stop daydreaming and just be. let go. voices inside my head always tell me, "you're almost 29; you're too old to learn...people will just laugh at you," or, "because other people are doing it, you want to do it too...poser," and, "what will my friends say? what will my family say? what will my husband think?" these voices make me tired. so i told my husband this urge of mine...to catch up to him. to have fun learning, not worrying what people think. so, i am making it one of my goals...maybe with the remainder of the year..or on 2014.
let us just live in the present. let go. be free.
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