15/52
"A portrait of my daughter, once a week, every week, in 2014."
This girl loves the water as much as we do. Actually, I was responsible for setting up the play pool because the weather is too hot. I purposely used the kids as reason to do so. Ha! The perks of having a child. My daughter, in particular, has surpassed her supposed level of vocabulary at her age. She upgraded her verbal skills and incorporated a British accent...just suddenly. I know she's a quarter Brit because of her daddy; but, her accent...I don't know where it came from. We talk to her in English, and this is our mode of communication with her ever since. So I am quite clueless as to where she learned to talk this way. But no complaints here, I love it. I think it makes her adorable even more!
If you look at the title of my post you might already have an idea of what I am to write about. Body Image. Yes. As most would know, I have been obsessed with weight loss since I was 15 years old. I have had eating disorders and an obsession with working out. I was just never satisfied. Before elaborating on this...I am sharing a few pictures from Saturday's swim with the kids.
When I found out I was pregnant, I was ecstatic! I can't believe I was blessed with a life...that is growing inside of me. But then it dawned on me...I would be gaining weight...so much weight I'd balloon into a walrus. When my clothes started to be snug, I'd cry to my husband. There were constant assurances of me not being ugly and the likes. However, when my daughter was born, motherhood consumed me. It became me. There was nothing more important than caring for the little life in front of me. I loved being a little chubby, a little more bigger because whenever I held my girl...nothing mattered. As she grew and became more independent I started to question myself, "Who are you?" It seemed as if aside from motherhood...there was no "me." And it is a scary feeling. I'd often feel empty. So I told Adam that I'd want to lose the weight, even if I wouldn't look like what I did before, maybe trying would give me perspective.
I worked hard to lose the extra pregnancy weight, and was content with the five pounds left. I was happy. Then I fell in love with Yoga and surfing...which made me lose weight for a time, eventually toning and bulking me up with a bit of muscle. My husband would constantly compliment me for my achievement. The problem is, sometimes I let some circumstances mess with my head--it makes me unstable and unhappy.
I want to write this as honestly as I could. I often compare myself to others. Yeah, I think most women do. I'd compare myself to girls past and some celebrities. Well, yesterday was one of those days when me and Adam went out on a date...and then I'd see something (someone) that made me feel like all the hard work I put into accepting and loving myself was all a waste...just for a few minutes.
What I like about my husband is that he never fails to save me during these times, even if I know he is tired of telling me over and over that I am a beautiful human being. Last night he told me this: People who compare themselves with other people will never be happy. You will only end up comparing yourself to one girl, and then the next, and then another; it will never stop. It's okay to compare, but compare yourself to you. Be the best version of you, not anybody else.
And just with that, I felt safe again. This is what I was blessed with. I worked hard to get to where I am right now. Whatever happens, I have a husband and a daughter who will love me unconditionally...and that is what's important...that is what is beautiful. So from this moment on, I will hold my head up high and be happy that this is me.
No comments