I have written time and again how I have felt lost these past few years, and how motherhood left me with just being a mom. All my friends were busy with work; I was busy nurturing my baby that I forgot to nurture myself. And sometimes the effect of this situation also affected my relationship with Adam. We'd fight often. I'd be so needy you'd probably slap me (well, good thing my husband would never do that).
Now let us fast forward to when I realized that life is too short to make it complicated. When I lost my dearest cousin I was very down in the dumps. I did not know how to start the day knowing she's not there anymore. But life goes on. I found Yoga, and surprisingly, surfing. I spend a lot of time browsing my Instagram feed. I follow a lot of people who do Yoga or surf. I admit, when they post a photo of themselves doing asanas or riding a big wave...I am always left inspired. It leaves me with thoughts of one day being able to accomplish what they have. Most times I know I already failed even before I try. This is because I am ashamed of myself, and I always think about how other people perceive me.
And it just had to stop.
I admit...before becoming a mother, any picture of myself has undergone an hour of Photoshop. Yes, the liquify tool once was my best friend. A little flab would instantly go away. Over time I realized, I am not really fooling anybody...I am just fooling myself...or making a fool of myself because when people will see me in person...I might have looked a little different from my photos. It also became so tiring... and deceiving. Photoshopping my body did not make me confident...it added to my addiction to attain that "ideal" beauty the media is continuously feeding women (and men).
But what is beauty anyway? Adam always tells me "I'd rather have a fat wife who is happy, than one who has a banging body but sulks every day." As usual, he is right. Because if the situation was reversed, I'd also feel the same way.
Here's an honest story: There was once a time I tried to be comfortable with myself. I purposely left my board shorts when we went to Real, Quezon to surf. Let me tell you how much my insecurity got the best of me...I had zero rides that day because the only thing on my mind that day was how jiggly my big legs were...or how my butt must have looked like a whale or something. It left me disappointed because if I had just enjoyed that day I would've progressed on my surf journey.
I had to take a huge leap.
And just a about a moth ago...I let go. I learned to love myself and my flaws.
I may still post process my photos to improve the colors; but, with all honesty, I do not use the liquify or transform tools anymore. No frequency separation is happening...no pores are disappearing.
I am sharing a few photos my husband took of me; and some that I took of my cousin. I braved the weekend showing my true self. Congratulations to me! And if you are on the same journey, my heart goes out to you. Good luck!
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