New Chapter

It's been exactly three and a half months since I gave birth to Eleanor, 8 months since Bean has been to the beach, 5 months since Adam last surfed and 11 months since I last did. It all feels like another life from what we have now. It indeed is with our newest and littlest member!

I remember clearly how terrified I was before having my second C-section. The doctor kept on prompting me to start and I kept on stalling and making known how anxious I was. To ease my panic my dad kept on telling me that after I got through the operation I will be able to meet my baby. I will be able to surf again. I will be able to do yoga again. And so it was done.

The recovery was a breeze. I was up and about a few days after with minimal pain while taking care of our baby and Bean. I knew that it would take about 8-10 weeks before I could do light exercises but I had no idea when I could resume with the things I used to do before I got pregnant. So after my first post partum checkup I asked how long before I can start my daily yoga practice and when I can get back in the water. The answer wasn't what I wanted to hear: 12 weeks before yoga plus 2 more before surfing. I had no choice but to do light workouts like jogging and basic stretching. The more challenging thing was that I am not used to not exercising everyday because now we have two kids and time for myself is so so precious sometimes I use it to nap, to read, to take a bath....you get the idea.

But after getting into a routine with the littles, life was starting to get its rhythm back. Add to that, we found a nanny that helps me balance my time between Ellie and Bean. And so Adam planned and pushed for our first trip of the year.

Knowing that I am such a worrywart he talked to me about not having any expectations regarding surfing--to forget what I could do before and just focus on the "now." How could I not worry when my core is nowhere to be found? I need help getting up from bed, and the simple "stomach in" command in my brain doesn't connect to my abdominal area. I do not feel anything happening in there. Well, it still must be whacked from the operation and I keep on reminding myself that it will heal in time.

Another concern for me was not liking my post baby body. I am very self-conscious about this having always been the fat kid. But maybe because I am more mature and it has dawned on me that nobody gives a sh*t anyway, I decided not to mind it, too. And that's that. I may or may not lose the extra weight...but I won't let it ruin my fun.

And so we made the trip! I wasn't so worried about the long drive because Ellie is such a trooper. She sleeps automatically in the car. True enough, it was such a breeze because the two kids slept all the way through until we arrived in our destination.

The forecast was perfect for us "oldies" because we haven't surfed for a long time. And with help from our local friends and encouragement from my husband, I was able to catch a wave....after two days and four hours of water time. I felt golden! Until I entertained the thought of the way I used to surf-- how weak and easily tired I already get.

So not to spoil my experience Adam told me not to worry because we have our whole lifetime to regain what progress we used to have...who knows, maybe even better. Right?

Another highlight of our trip is how much Bean enjoyed it. She constantly tells us how much she misses the beach and how she wants to bring her baby sister there. Bean had a blast playing in the shallow water and running around in the sand.

As for Ellie, she is such a sport! She smiles and laughs at anyone who talks to her. She loves being outdoors, and what we are loving right now is how she sleeps through the night! LOL...every new parents' dream.

We know the surf trips we well be having this year wouldn't be as often as before...and that's okay. My family is my home and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Slowly Getting There

Phew! Two months into being a mother of two leaves me in a state of confusion most of the time. I always have to decide who to prioritize first, Bean or Ellie; Ellie or Bean? It is already a struggle for me because I am used to being there for my eldest 24/7. I thought I was the only one who was going to have a had time; although I knew Bean would be in for a few adjustments...I never thought it would cause her such heartbreak.

She would always ask me, "Why always, Ellie, mama?" "Can I play with you LIKE WE USED TO?" "How come you're too tired to play with me?" "Remember we used to do art together? Now we don't anymore."

God knows how much I miss those things! And I cry about it when I'm alone. Because Ellie is still super dependent I know I have to take care of her, at the same time I want to fulfill every need of our five year old girl.

I openly talk about it on social media...that my daughter is my best friend--and she really is. So I talk to her about it all the time. I explain to her that her sister would grow up soon and she can be our best friend, too. But for now she needs to understand that a baby cannot fend for herself and that babies need to be taken care of until they get a little older. Well, she always says, "Yes, mama," but most of the time she still forgets. But I am glad she is vocal about how much she loves her sister and how she can't wait for them to get to play together.

A piece of advice I got from my husband is this: (thank the heavens he has the answers when I'm a little lost!)

Spend more time with Bean and let others help out in taking care of Ellie because the baby is not conscious yet and will not remember anything as of now. As for Bean, she might get the idea that she is put in second place. Spend more time with her and extend more patience so she will remember a happy childhood instead of the jealousy she feels. 

I agree with Adam. But as a mother, I also really want to take care of our baby. So here I am taking this advice a little bit everyday. Bean and I rarely fight about small things now. Maybe it's me getting into the groove of things or her starting to understand the situation.

Things are getting better as the days pass...and our little family is excited for the Holidays. It's going to be a busy month and I am already in a state of panic thinking of how to balance parenting, house work, cooking for the holidays, Bean's schedule in school, repainting and redecorating our home, slowly getting back to yoga and some cardio...and of course, to start surfing again.

One day at a time. I remind myself. One day at a time.

Blessings to you this Christmas season!

Motherhood Lately

I never would have thought I'd be a mother because it wasn't really one of my goals when I was younger. But then I became one...and then again I am a mother for the second time even when I said one child was enough. I said one was enough not just because I was traumatized with my first birth experience but also because of other issues within myself:

After birthing a baby I feel that I lose myself. From pregnancy to having the baby and the recovery period I AM NOT MYSELF. Physically and emotionally. Mentally, I try to hold on to every bit of me possible. I am very vocal about this with my husband even with my first pregnancy. I would always tell him that one of my main concerns was getting my body back. I know, it is so superficial and it seems irrelevant to most but that's it for me. I am not vain but I am very conscious because if you've followed my blog from the start you'd know that I was a fat kid who went through eating disorders and excessive exercise. With Bean, it took almost a year to lose the weight and another year to achieve a toner version of me.

It has been a month since having Eleanor and I haven't gotten the go signal to workout and I'm already thinking of the long journey to achieve my goals. I am the type of person who wants to get to the finish line fast but this time I don't see it happening because within a month I have experienced how it is to have two kids. I still haven't found that balance!

I tell this to Adam and he assures me that I could do it, to just enjoy the journey and that I will get there before I know it. Believe me, I love my children more than anything in this world but I figured that to be the best mother for them, I need to work on myself, too. I need to be happy... and getting myself back is a part of it.

Another issue I am having right now is not being able to surf. I honestly miss it so much! Before getting pregnant we discussed this already. I told myself that I'd be back in the water by January next year. But last night we began talking about it and then suddenly it turned into a mini misunderstanding because my husband suggested that on December maybe I could start again and get pushed into waves just to get a hang of it again. I asked him why I needed to get pushed if he was confident that I haven't lost whatever skill I had prior to having our baby? He explained to me that his point was not to pressure me and for me to just have fun...but I got depressed because it dawned on me that everything I've worked hard for was worth nothing now. I'd have to put in the same amount of effort just to be able to do what I love.

I had a moment of internal breakdown. And then I thought to myself...so what? So what if I'm back at square one? I have a husband who would do anything to make me happy, who loves me and thinks the world of me; I have two kids who make me feel like a million bucks. Surfing will always be there but being a mother to Bean and Ellie is just once in a lifetime.

Having Bean made me feel lucky and blessed; having Eleanor made me feel even luckier and even more blessed. But honestly, I already worried about favoring one over the other while I was pregnant. My relationship with Bean is quite special. She's my daughter, my hero and my best friend. She made me grow up. She made me become the best version of myself and made me open up to the world. And then this new little person comes into our lives and I was so nervous about it. I thought it would tip our world off balance...

Bean and I have our episodes of drama, missing how it was before her sister came. But looking at the big picture we both adore little Ellie! It may be hard when both of them need me at the same time but we're slowly getting there.

Bringing a child into this world makes me lose myself. It tears me into pieces on the inside but my children are the ones who help me put myself back together....stronger and better. Believe me, I was so tempted to do a little nip and tuck to the pictures my husband took of me but I didn't. I may not like it at the moment but this version of me gave birth to two wonderful girls and I wouldn't change a thing. I have goals and I will get there, one step at a time. For now I will enjoy every moment of loving my little people and getting loved in return.

Hello, Eleanor! (Birth Story)

Eleanor Emily Sison McGee

Date of Birth: September 30, 2016

Time: 9:24 AM

Birth Weight: 2.6 Kg

Length: 50 cm

I never expected to give birth early, though I'd always joke about it because of the aches and pains I've been feeling since August. But, it happened and I wouldn't change a thing. My original due date is October 20, but since I was going to have a repeat C-section we scheduled it a week earlier,,,around  the 11th of October. And then I found out my parents (both doctors) have an upcoming trip I asked my OB the earliest possible date I could give birth because I wanted my mom and dad to be there with me. We decided it would be the 7th. I even decorated my journal page on that day!

But during the early hours of the morning, September 30, 2016 I woke up because Bean was calling my name asking me to stay beside her bed for a bit. It was around 3:30 AM. I held her hand until a little past 4 and made sure she was sleeping soundly. I lay on our bed but couldn't seem to go to slumber. I was browsing Facebook when I felt an ache close to feeling gassy; I thought it would pass. But around half an hour later it escalated to something that felt like diarrhea, just a little bit worse. I sat on the toilet for what seemed like forever until I felt that inevitable sensation that I had to push. Thinking that I was going to poop, I pushed and pushed until tall I wanted to do was push! Then I thought to myself, was I in labor?

I woke up my husband and told him I was in pain. I was feeling cold and clammy, and the aches would come and go every few minutes. I asked him to call either my mom or dad so we would know what was happening and what we should be doing...should we be going to the hospital??? Our commotion woke up Bean, and she was a real source of calm for me. She would pat my back and ask me what hurt; she obediently packed a bag of her toys to bring to the hospital if ever this day was THE DAY. I also texted my OB and she told us to go the hospital already.

Upon going down the stairs the pain was unbearable that I was begging Adam to bring me to the nearest hospital, I didn't even care where because our hospital is about an hour to an hour and a half to reach. Luckily, we made it (me, closing my eyes and gritting my teeth; Adam driving so seriously, and Bean staring out the windows) in less than an hour. I went straight to the labor room and then they confirmed it. I was going to have my operation ASAP.

Being the wimp that I am, I was anxious and nervous and so unsure. I felt like I was going to suffocate. I worried about Bean because I wasn't able to tell her what was happening; I worried about Adam because they weren't allowed to stay with me. I'm glad my mom was there though, because it helped me regulate my feelings and made me appear to be normal and taking things as they were.

My OB arrived and they prepped me and wheeled me into the O.R. They were asking me if I was ready to get a spinal block but I begged to wait for my dad. I wanted my parents there simply because it made me feel that everything will be okay. My dad arrived and the spinal block was administered.....and half of me felt numb in no time.

Everything happened so fast, I just herd them say, "Baby out; it's a baby girl," but there was no cry. I clearly remember giving birth to my first hearing her cry so loud. This worried me so much and I kept on asking them why there was no cry...why can't I hear the baby cry?? My dad told me that they were just cleaning her up because she had a lot of secretions on her nose and mouth. He showed me the video where in my baby was pulled out and was laid there...limp and weak. After what seemed like forever I finally heard her faint cry. They showed her to me for a few seconds and then took her away. I kept on asking what will happen and they kept on telling me not to talk because my abdominal area might hurt after.

So I laid there for around an hour or two, scratching my face and my arms...they told me it was a side effect of the morphine...I wasn't really listening because I was expecting to hold my baby. I expected to be wheeled into our room with her at the same time.

We spent a the whole day and night without her. They said she was in the NICU because of an infection. All I could do was pray and pray and pray. The next day they brought her in our room. We were able to spend the day with her but then we were informed she had to go back to the NICU because her breathing wasn't so good....and her nails were a little blue.

We decided to spend the whole week at the hospital, so that I could exclusively breastfeed her while she recovers. During the times it was just us three in the hospital room, my anxiety and fears were calmed by our first born, she would keep on making art works and little notes for me telling me how much she loves me. She drew images of her baby sister and she tells us how much she loves her already, too.

It was one of the strangest experience of my life....having my heart grow bigger to accommodate this new member of our family...and at the same time fearing that I wouldn't be able to handle the change. But I am so blessed to have the most loving and supporting husband who did nothing but take care of us and reassured me that everything will be okay. I am so blessed to have a firstborn who loves me unconditionally and has always been my source of strength and wisdom.

Hello, Eleanor...now we are home. I have a lot more to share about our new journey but I have to save it for next time...mommy duties first!