Cut

Originally posted on my Instagram post this morning:

"Bye bye long hair. See you in a year, maybe.

If I don't decide to cut this a bit shorter.

I had no intention of growing my hair long but

one day I found myself (again) 

being dependent on it to feel good about myself...like it's

length is a form of accomplishment.

Weird, I know; and it was kind of bringing me down.

It's weight was becoming close to unbearable.

So I let it go. And it makes me feel so light inside and out."

While I have yet to miss my long hair, I know one of these days I might think about that bun or braid...but never mind. I have come to realize that hair is just hair and it naturally grows back in most cases. I just really needed this...along with new hopes, dreams and plans.

When I was younger my dad would always tell me to think positive and reaffirm the things that I want to accomplish, have or do. He told me that one time he wanted to be able to buy this particular car so he put a picture of it on his desk. And everyday he would look at it and tell himself something like, "One day I will buy you. One day I will have you." So this inspired me to make a list of things I wish to do or dream to come true.

Bean's attending playschool sparked this. It came across my mind that by the time she goes to regular school I will have majority of nothing to do. I am a full time mom...when she's at school there will only be housework to do. I think I will have a hard time looking for a job that would give me freedom to go home early to take care of my daughter daily. Motherhood has hit me hard; I never knew this was who I was meant to be. Because of these thoughts I have new dreams and plans of doing something to earn extra to help my husband and keep me busy:

1. It has got to have something to do with art; I am an arts graduate anyway.

2. It should be very flexible that it can accommodate raising a kid (or kids in the future) because taking care of Bean is my priority.

3. I will start small and need to find the time to do it starting....now.

The details are very vague in my mind at present...but I have signed up for a few workshops that will help me make this a reality. I am excited and apprehensive at the same time. Good luck to me!

33 and 34/52 and some thoughts about school

33/52

             "A portrait of my daughter, once a week, every week, in 2014." 

These were taken a few weeks ago on a lazy morning. I have been late at posting in this space because of a number of things: 1. Busy occupying myself with things and home projects to do because of the flat spell; 2. Fixing my timetable for my plans regarding things art-associated (working around the chaos of a three year old!); 3. Organizing our little home; 4. Signing up for a few workshops (to be written about soon) and 4. Busy dreaming of the next surf trip.

Anyway, this particular morning I was able to make a quick doodle of a mermaid and hurriedly rendered it with watercolor while this little miss worked on her own art. I swear, she is getting good with her hands! Tonight, in particular,I left her with a few stencils with basic shapes; when I came back to check on her she used the circles and drew the characters from Pacman. Talk about being creative! I love how her face gets so serious when she's on to something. Every time she is coloring or painting she'd ask us, "Do you want to come inside my color factory shop? We can do so many things!"

34/52

These pictures were taken on her first day of playschool. Bean was so excited she asked me to snap tons of photos of her before we left. We thought she'd be awkward with other kids and the teacher because this experience is new to her; but, she did really well. The school allows and encourages parents to learn with their children in order to gradually wean them off of each other; also by this process the kid will be more independent. Our little girl had a blast! And while I was there guiding her, singing and dancing with her...deep inside I felt it--this hole that is beginning to grow in my heart because it finally true--my baby is now a big girl. And in the future when she goes to a bigger school without me...I'd miss all the days that the world would be just her and me. 

But that's okay. That is how life is supposed to be. We are happy enough knowing that she's having a blast growing and living life.

.

On other news, I cut my hair short for the third time in my long-haired history. It's a cycle. Grow my hair until it almost reaches my lower back and then cut it above the shoulders after a year or so. Sometimes it grows back fast; sometimes it doesn't. But I cut it for different reasons every time. First was because I lost my grandfather; second, I was having the postpartum blues, this time it is because the flat spell made me go crazy! Seriously, it is because I was starting to depend on my long hair to feel beautiful...and I don't like that. I took the plunge...and I feel so weightless.

Dear Diary

August 17, 2014

Health sucks lately. My headache is becoming a frequent thing and there hasn't been surf  in almost three weeks. But there are other things to look forward to like reading more books, school for Bean, and these classes I will be attending (which I will write about next time). I figured that there should always be a balance in everything. As much as we want to just surf there are other priorities and needs in our lives. 

But being away from the sea and the surf is slowly creeping in. There are moments I find myself in a daze, daydreaming of the last surf trip we had, recalling the feeling that gets me high. While I do wish to do this soon I am excited to see Bean attend school, at the same time, I am heartbroken because our baby is a baby no more. 

Another thing that I am working on is not being so hard on myself regarding working out. I am very obsessed about my routine ; but I realized that being a full-time mom I need to manage my time better. If I continue to be strict about this aspect of my life I will not have room to do anything else other than being a mother and doing yoga. So I have been taking it easy lately. I squeeze in an hour of painting or reading instead of an hour of yoga. Even if the voice inside my head keeps on telling me to obsess about it I am trying my best not to give in. 

The last week has been about arranging Bean's classes, cleaning the house, and talking to Adam about this minor renovation I want to do in our dining room (which is another thing I am quite ecstatic about). So I guess things are still looking up even when the world seems to be flat.

I really do miss and wish to surf soon. I haven't even been able to use my new rash guard yet!

J

32/52: Happy Birthday, Kid!

32/52

             "A portrait of my daughter, once a week, every week, in 2014." 

Bean has been referring to herself as a "kid" not a baby. Hence, Happy Birthday, kid! She turned three last August 9 and we had a mini celebration with family and friends the day after. I usually bake 60 cupcakes at this special time of the year; but because I get exhausted at this stage of motherhood (yep, meaning a mom to a highly energetic and talkative three-year old) we opted to have them and the cake ordered and customized. We have been asking her for the past month about what theme she would like and she's been begging us for a "Peppa Pig" party. So it shall be.

Also, she asked me a week before, "Can you buy me a dress for my birthday? I want it with pink buttons!" We took her to the mall and she shopped for herself! She can put an outfit together and I am liking her sense of fashion. It's kind of old school and dainty in contrast to her love for cars and 'surf'. 

Adam and I were surprised that Bean was a big help during the party preparations, mostly with the decorations. I wasn't sure about letting her help because I thought she'd just make a mess...but to my surprise she's very organized and can take directions well. We are so very lucky!!!

Bean's first guest is Ziva,

such a cutie! :)

I never really knew how much my heart could love so much until you, Bean. Nobody expected me to be the mothering kind...but we proved them wrong, didn't we? Lol. I think this is what I was born to do. It feels so natural to me. Though I miss art, photography (even surfing)...being your mom will always top the list!

Hello, pretty Winter!

Most, if not all, people tell me that my skin has gotten so dark already.

At first I got sad about it but now I look at it as a measurement of how much

fun the ocean and the surf gives me.

I am having so much fun indeed!

Bean is so in love with her cake that up until now she asks to stare at it at meal times.

We can eat the cake; but not touch the piggies.

Our little artist.

Little kids that have my heart.

One of the highlights of her day was tita Joan's gift! A month ago I posted a video

on Instagram asking her what she wants for her birthday to which she replied,

"A pink surfboard and a Go Pro."

One thing that really touched me were the gifts she got. I am so thankful for the thoughtfulness of family and friends giving her things that she'd surely use and enjoy. My heart is overflowing with love for each and everyone one of you who made Bean's birthday the best day ever!

P.S. Before she slept that night she asked her daddy, "Daddy, can you dance with me? The party isn't finished yet because we didn't dance." Isn't she the sweetest?