surf: in the learning process

Adam took Friday off from work to bring me and Bean to the beach. Of course, so he could surf; so the little one can play, and for me to continue to learn. I was so excited that, like a kid, I downloaded surf films and watched them all at once. I even read a few inspiring books! Wow, as my husband put it, I think I am stoked. Huh? Well, yeah. I feel like a kid all over again...and though it's weird, I like it.

Friday morning, Adam surfed...there was too much wind and the waves were big so they put off my lessons for later. Me and Bean played in the sand while we watched them surf. Whenever I watch people surfing, I often think it is so easy...but every time I give it a go....uhmmm.....moving on...

We had a hearty lunch and a little nap afterwards. It was my turn to go in the water that afternoon. In my opinion, I think the waves were wild for a beginner like me. But they said the conditions were still alright, so I gave it a try. I was so uncomfortable in the water because the current was strong and the shore break bothered me a lot. The hour-long lesson...I didn't get to finish which left me bummed out. So I just sulked and ate a lot of dinner. Boohoo.

Though, I thought it over before sleeping...I wasn't allowing disappointment to stop me from learning. Maybe, I should just try and try. If I want something, I can work hard for it. I know it in my heart. And I am glad my husband is very patient with me...mostly when I start to ramble negatively about how I am already good at wipe outs.

The sun greeted us the next morning, and I felt that it was a good day to have a go with surfing again. We ate a quick breakfast and headed on. We both feel lucky that our daughter is such a trooper. There were zero meltdowns (as usual) and she's very friendly with the locals there. She even offers them her toys so they can play together; they had a blast with her too.

Okay, so back to my mission...to be better. Because the waves were very clean, and just right for me...I had gazillion of rides this morning!!! I am so happy! I mean, I have a long way to go...but....but...I was able to get a number of rides...which eventually, I learned to turn in an hour. Oh, how I wish skills could be bought...I might nearly splurge on that. All in all, I had a great session this morning and I am looking forward to more surf and wipe outs.

Thank you to my husband who is very patient and supportive of  this silly dream of mine. Also, for my daughter who continues to melt everyone's heart.

Come Sooner

2013 has been a whirlwind--a series of highs and lows. From losing a loved one to finding other things to move  on to. No, I do not wish to forget that loved one; I just want to try to move on from the pain. I do not want her to remind me of the sadness for she was such a spark of happiness. I realize that after losing my dear cousin, I seem to have lost almost everyone (save for my husband, daughter, parents and one friend). People suddenly found other ways to cope and sometimes I'm afraid we are drifting apart. It is only now that I realize how different I am from my siblings and cousins.

I am not really  into fashion and fancy restaurants; I do not get how to play Magic. I am clueless with entertainment news. But I try so hard to relate. Most of the time I feel alone when I'm with them. I'd like to think this is just a transition because we lost one of us. Upon losing her, I think we lost parts of ourselves too. She appears to be that "special" bond because she was always the one asking everyone how their day was. She always organized gatherings, and even if it's last minute...everything pushes through.

Most days I think I am okay, but I am not. When I do not cry, I realize it means I just ran out of tears because my heart still hurts so bad. And this loss will forever be there, same as my love.

Dearest December, come sooner. I need a break from work, from everything. I need time to heal. I need to feel the comfort of those that are still here.

Talent

Now, this is talent. I love watching his videos. He's one of my favorites.

Project no. 11

“Distance might not solve anything, no matter how far you run.”

― Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

Geez! This surfing dream is so hard to chase. As hard as chasing the waves and the weather. We went to Real, Quezon to surf. Well, for my husband to surf; for me to continue learning the ropes. But the day just didn't cooperate. I am not scared of the sea. To tell you the truth, I like to swim...all day. But waves with a board? It makes me want to throw the board away and swim for dear life! But, I am so determined to learn this "walking on water" thing. I love it. In a way, it's art. I spend so much time watching people surf beautifully...and I want to be able to do that one day, hoping it isn't too late. For now all I have is the motivation, the inspiration and determination...If I could only buy the skills, why not? But I am enjoying the learning process...with reading about great surfers around the world. It's inspiring.

Dare to Love Yourself

Love yourself. While this might sound a bit conceited, it is one important thing we must learn in life. Because really, can you love with all your heart when you are not whole? I love reading articles about how I can love and appreciate myself more. I love articles about self-image and body issues. I love the female body--more so if it is slim, toned, gifted with long limbs, a shapely butt, and perky breasts! Think "Victoria's Secret Angels." Yeah, so unrealistic. Deep, deep down in the abyss of whatever, I still wish that I was showered with those "Goddess" traits. When I was young, resembling a budding piglet, I always thought that when I turn seventeen I'd magically transform into Barbie--long legs, little waist, tall...and so on... But my legs were still short, they grew in thickness than in length. I never made it past 5'2 1/2." I was 156 lbs, with acne and wiry hair. This was in high school, where girls started to get lots of attention form the opposite sex. I only got attention because of my size.

Looking back, I think my (then) friends didn't really care about my size or how I looked. It was all in my head. Because every morning before getting into the car, I'd look in the mirror and tell myself, "You are fat and ugly, and no one really likes you." I was an insecure teenager, a wreck about to happen.

I just stopped eating, and started to shrink. I shrank and shrank...until I was all 97 lbs at 23 years old. I thought I did it...but I still felt big...and ugly. Nothing really changed...because before I go to work, I tell myself the same thing, "You are fat and ugly, and no one really likes you."

I met a boy at work. He said he liked loved me--all of me; he said he wouldn't want to change anything about me..well, maybe the way I refused to eat...he wanted to change that. When we're together, things were okay. I seemed normal again...until he found out I still did not eat at home...or that I'd over exercise every day. Little by little, he put back the broken pieces of me together. I felt loved, adored, accepted. I started to eat again. I started to let go, a bit. And then the baby. Imagine the happiness you feel when you learn you just created a life. Ecstatic, I was. Until it hit me...I will be gaining so much weight! Honestly, the first five months was no problem. I was literally vomiting every few minutes. After those months, I was always so hungry..and I had strange cravings of baby back ribs and pizza. I know it may sound bad, but for a time I controlled what I ate. Not until the longing for a healthy baby won over anything else. And I thought it was the end with my battle against self-loathing.

I enjoyed motherhood too much, that when my baby turned five months...I realized I was still carrying an extra 10 lbs from my pregnancy. Losing it was such a tedious process, I never thought I'd win. I am impatient when it comes to end results, and this time I couldn't quit eating because I needed the energy to take care of my child. Then my husband was there to put me back together again. He made me a program which I followed for a month. I was back running everyday. I quit carbs. I started to lose the weight.

Life really has a funny way of making you realize that you have the right to be what you want to be...and no one should even care. Last April, I lost my cousin...the one who I think got me the most. The one who helps steady my emotions. She was the one who reminded me that life should be lived happily...that I shouldn't let anything or anyone get in the way. She died. I died, too. I was angry and lost. I just took up Yoga. And it channeled my anger. My anger became my strength. But the process of bending, twisting, balancing...also required me to let go. When I let go of my anger...I lost my strength. And I know I had to work on that because then, I'd be back to being broken. I do not want to lose anymore. I came this far.

I am so tired of telling myself how ugly I am, how fat I am, how ashamed I feet.Because these things stop me from accomplishing my dreams. They stop me from being happy. It needs and end so that a life full of love an potential could begin.

When my husband started to surf again, he asked me to join. We fought because I said I wasn't interested. But in reality, I was just ashamed of my body. I was terrified to wear a bikini! I was afraid to show my jelly belly, and my thunder thighs. I went with him. I tried. I wore a big rash guard and some shorts...which made me uncomfortable in the water. The big rash guard would get caught up on my knee...the shorts did not allow me to get the right stance. A waste of money just because I was ashamed of myself. But this affair with walking on water really got to me. Early this month I gave it another try, and it indeed has become an addiction. Thinking of my desire to learn to surf, I realized no one really cares...or should care. If I want to have fun, learn and be comfortable, I should be able to let go of my insecurities. So I dared myself to love me.

I bought a new set of swimwear last weekend, and I must be able to wear it in our coming trip. Not wear too big shirts, and lousy shorts! And I know I can do this...because what do I have to lose? I have a man who loves me, a daughter who adores me, and a body that created and nurtured a life. I am strong. I have this right. And while I know no one really cares, this is how I deal. I think I just wrote this to boost my confidence. So while I look nothing like these:

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At least (maybe) in my husband's mind I do! Or I can pretend (in my head) too. A little love will go a long way.

moulding your child

While I do believe that each child has his or her own uniqueness, I know that we, for the most part, are the ones responsible in sparking their interests. Not all parents view this the way I do, and every parent is different. For example, I grew up very sheltered--playing outside our gate needed so much effort to persuade my mom and dad that I knew what to do when cars passed by the street. I needed my cousins to be there, just so I was not alone. My cousins ran freely outside our compound at any time of the day. And I was always envious of this.This sparked my interest in reading books. Maybe because I could live my life through the stories I read. I devoured books like crazy. At first, my mom encouraged it...but after a while, and a gazillion of books...it appeared to be a waste of money. Well, not for me. It is only now that I am beginning to put into reality the adventures I found in the pages of the books I've read.

As a mom, I want my daughter to experience the world, whole. Without barriers (well, with limitations.) We always bring her along on our out of town trips, out of the country, too. And some people (sometimes) comment that it's a waste of money because she will not remember it anyway. Sorry, you can raise your child your own way (Ooops! Did that come out harsh? Really?) but I believe that exposing my child to almost everything helps spark her interest. We carried her along Macau and Hong Kong, we held her hand (and still carried her) through the whole Angkor complex, we bring her to the beach...we bring her everywhere. And I must say, her preference, manner of playing, imagination and understanding is very unique. If you ask her what she wants to do, she will tell you:

• surf
• paddle
• yoga
• go to Tiki Beach
• skate
• be a pirate
• go to school
• take a bath
• see the sun
• climb mountains
• read a book
• take a picture
• sing

Now if you look closely, those are half the things her daddy does, and half of what I do. Also, she might not remember Hong Kong or Cambodia, but she sure got climbing, seeing the sun, and taking  pictures from that experience. See, nothing is a waste of money if your intentions are well-placed...especially for your children.

I am quite excited for our Baler trip in the coming weeks, and then Bangkok in December...of course, with Bean. Always.

Project 9 & 10

The one thing that I still know
Is that you're keeping me down.

 

 

“This much I'm certain of: it doesn't happen immediately. You'll finish [the book] and that will be that, until a moment will come, maybe in a month, maybe a year, maybe even several years. You'll be sick or feeling troubled or deeply in love or quietly uncertain or even content for the first time in your life. It won't matter. Out of the blue, beyond any cause you can trace, you'll suddenly realize things are not how you perceived them to be at all. For some reason, you will no longer be the person you believed you once were. You'll detect slow and subtle shifts going on all around you, more importantly shifts in you. Worse, you'll realize it's always been shifting, like a shimmer of sorts, a vast shimmer, only dark like a room. But you won't understand why or how. You'll have forgotten what granted you this awareness in the first place

...

You might try then, as I did, to find a sky so full of stars it will blind you again. Only no sky can blind you now. Even with all that iridescent magic up there, your eye will no longer linger on the light, it will no longer trace constellations. You'll care only about the darkness and you'll watch it for hours, for days, maybe even for years, trying in vain to believe you're some kind of indispensable, universe-appointed sentinel, as if just by looking you could actually keep it all at bay. It will get so bad you'll be afraid to look away, you'll be afraid to sleep.

Then no matter where you are, in a crowded restaurant or on some desolate street or even in the comforts of your own home, you'll watch yourself dismantle every assurance you ever lived by. You'll stand aside as a great complexity intrudes, tearing apart, piece by piece, all of your carefully conceived denials, whether deliberate or unconscious. And then for better or worse you'll turn, unable to resist, though try to resist you still will, fighting with everything you've got not to face the thing you most dread, what is now, what will be, what has always come before, the creature you truly are, the creature we all are, buried in the nameless black of a name.

And then the nightmares will begin.”

-Mark Danielewsky

 

 

There is this new chapter in our lives. Even though we fail to notice it, it has already begun. This small ripples, small steps...make my heart burst with happiness. I only wish to keep moving forward...because going back...faints my fragile heart.

Secret Hopes and Dreams

It's no secret. The surfing bug bit me. I thought to myself, "It's too late. You're almost 29." But still a girl at heart, I can dream...can't I? I can hope; and I can make it come true." This is just the same as when I began my yoga practice. Being naturally negative, I always told myself (and my husband who must be deaf to my pessimistic thoughts) that the most I could do would be the sun salutations. Heck, I looked so wrong doing chaturangas in class. Gravity pulled me down flat on my mat. My instructor then even dedicated a whole session to help me carry my own body and correct my alignment. That night, when I got home...I told my husband how bummed out I was about it. I spent that night and the whole week practicing on this yoga push-up. GUESS WHAT? I was up and doing chaturangas since then. I wasn't too weak. I wasn't too old. I did it because of practice and dedication. Here I am now, with a binding practice and getting along well with headstands. I came from nowhere five months ago, and I can say I worked hard.

After this weekend, where I watched my husband surf and also gave it a try, I really got hooked. So hooked that I'd like to go out there and figure it out. It hit me hard, just like yoga. Where I find myself looking through pictures of postures, researching on alignment...things like that. I pin inspirations to keep me committed, as commitment is really hard for me. Ask my parents...I am a jack of all trades, master of none. I took up ballet, piano, painting, karate, volleyball...and some more....but never really finished mastering any. I was just plain impatient then. So, to keep me going...I provide inspirations and motivations. With yoga, I posted a lot of photos that convey graceful asanas, strength, and balance. Now, I keep on pinning things about the sea and surf. With yoga, I was motivated by telling myself that I will not buy a nice and durable mat until I got better; no new work out clothes until I mastered a pose. Now I have a good mat, and new set of workout clothes! See, these things help. With learning to surf my motivation is:

My husband will get me my own board when I learn to paddle out there and catch a wave of my own.

Can I do it? Is this possible? I don't know. But I promise to work on it. Just like with my yoga practice. Also, I like the feeling of accomplishing something I haven't done before. Here are a few inspiring photos:

This during sunset.

They are just very 'me'.
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Their bodies! :)

3/4

Side note:

I asked my husband if it is okay to think of these dreams. I am very paranoid that I asked this. He told me that if I really like it, why be ashamed. I told him...I don't want to be perceived as a 'poser' because there are a lot of people out there who are such (sorry if you are affected; this just means you are one). He told me that you will only be one if you talk about it as if you are good at it, or as if you know everything about it when you don't. Good. I don't claim to be good at this. I am in the process of learning and pursuing this dream. I am, if I might honestly say, very excited.

November Trip 1: Zambales

Yet another trip to the beach. Indeed, I miss being young and carefree. Gone are the days I was under the sun every weekend, with tanned skin, dry hair, and good company. What I thought life was caught up on me because I thought life was work--earning for a living.  Lately, I realized life is what you make it out to be; it is meant to be made up of dreams that need fulfilling. One cannot live imagining and wishing for so long.

I have held back on almost all the things I've listed on my bucket list because of the things that I thought were nightmares. My mind really gets to me. For one, I always let my size hinder any activity I'd like to pursue, even any interaction with other people. I always think that people will judge me because of my size. I used to be big, everyone knows that. And losing weight has also been my obsession.

Now, nearing the last year in my twenties, I feel that change is inevitable. I need to get moving and do something in my life--make my dreams reality before it's too late. I don't dream as big as being rich or being famous...what I want is to be happily doing the things I love. And I am in a place where I am already acting upon it.

Yoga. I have always dreamed to be so committed to do Yoga. I am somewhat impatient with things that are in progression. I used to be someone who wanted things to happen in an instant. I thought that a few classes of yoga will transform me into Kino MacGregor. But yoga has taught me patience, that if I want something to happen I should be willing to work hard for it. And five months of hard work indeed made me strong enough to do a headstand. Call me crazy, but I practice Ashtanga 6 times a week...no matter what. Even if sometimes people think I am crazy.

This weekend was great because I also developed an interest in learning how to Surf. I have tried this last 2010 in Baler...but thought nothing about it after. I also tried a few months ago in a wave pool. Adam always tells me about how addicting it is, I just never got bitten by that bug...not yet, or so. This weekend he asked me to give it another try. And just a few minutes before the instructor was about to orient me I was begging Adam to let me off the hook. I was nervous and out of sorts. No, I am not afraid of the water--I am afraid of not knowing what to do, I told him. Well, his reply was nothing short of the obvious: "That's why you are going to learn...so you know what to do." Ummm...yeah. The instructor told me the basics, established that I am goofy-footed...and out to the water we went. I must say...I was able to stand up on my board the first try, and the second...and third. I fell off twice in an hour. With that experience, I felt happy. I get what is addicting about it...that my I made up my mind to include this in my list of things to accomplish. I don't know if the instructor was just complementing me to motivate me to learn, but he told me I can learn to paddle on my own and ride fun waves in a few days. He told me I can be good at it. Really? I never thought so.

Don't mind my face and form...I need to work a lot on this. My goal is not to ride giant waves, just fun waves....just good enough to do it on my own, with my husband and daughter.

We also met up with my family and stayed at our beach house. I honestly love that place with all my heart, and all the talk about selling it shatters it into a million pieces. Most weekends of my college life were spent here. I even had a drafting table there to do my work while vacationing. Here are a few snaps of our stay, and also my youngest brother's birthday lunch in Subic:

And of course, the heavy traffic home...

P.S.

Dearest Adam,

I promise to show as much commitment to learning how to surf as I do with my Yoga practice. This is not because you also do your best to practice Yoga with me, but because I find that this is something we can do together. And in the future, with Bean. Above all, you were right all along...about how addicting it is...and how it can teach you about life.

From your Mrs McGee.