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on life, motherhood, friendship and yoga


Lately, life is bittersweet. I admit to being in a slump and not feeling like my normal self at all like I've been swimming in all the negativity for months. Putting a stop to this was and still is very hard for me but I am glad that progress is here.

Our days are filled with busyness that sometimes I cannot cope. Adam leaves early for work at around 6:30 am and doesn't get home until 6 pm. I wake up early with my girls and do the usual school run. I prepare our meals, help with Bean's homework and take care and play with Eleanor. There are tons of things I would like to do for myself and goals I'd want to accomplish but accepting that now is not the time for those things has finally settled on me. I am not in a hurry because I want life to pass by slowly. I have all the time in the world and the only one pressuring me is myself.

***
I am not a perfect mother, mind you. I love motherhood but the pictures I upload on social media is only a fragment of my life. On my IG stories you will find snippets of our "real world" daily. Bean and I argue a lot and some days I just break down when I am overwhelmed with my kids. The laundry isn't fixed all the time and our food isn't always "healthy," and I am okay with that. We mothers do what we can and that is what matters. Two days ago while driving Bean to school traffic was so bad that I cursed a van of nuns because they didn't follow traffic rules. My daughter scolded me for the profanities that came out of my mouth. And there I was embarrassed because Bean told me to keep it to myself.

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A few weeks ago I picked a fight with my husband. Not because he did anything wrong; it was just me being defensive--because there was an unresolved issue in my head that I couldn't quite voice out. in the middle of our fight he told me to just say what I want, say what I mean and say what really was bothering me. So I told him how my friends and I just grew apart, how everyone is so busy and that I felt alone. I also felt that I've lost the one friend I had left whom I thought was my best friend. So he comforted me and assured me that everything was okay.he asked me to take a look at our kids and our life and asked me..."are you not happy and content?" 

I realized that everything I needed and wanted was already in front of me. Then and there was my best friend all along, comforting me and telling me what wonders life has in store for us as long as we're in it together. And this was the beginning of my healing.

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I started practicing yoga halfway through 2013 after losing my cousin. I was in so much grief and I accidentally stumbled upon yoga because of the desire to have a Miranda Kerr body. LOL. Don't ask. Anyway, I have been practicing Ashtanga since then until I got pregnant and gave birth last year. At first I was doing it because it felt good physically, mentally and emotionally.  But as  time passed I was doing it for the wrong reasons: to get stronger fast to surf better, to not get fat and to perfect a pose--until I got a bad back and shoulder injury that I had to stop...timely that was also the time I was on baby number 2 so yoga had to take a back seat.But I did practice on and off during pregnancy.

After giving birth I wanted to lose the pregnancy weight fast and my husband advised me to take up running. And while I did come to love it and shed most of my post baby weight....I felt empty. Like I had a phantom limb. I realized that I miss yoga so much. It was more than a physical practice to me and I was just distracted by my desire to lose some weight. 

So I renewed my relationship with this practice and started from scratch. It's been a week and I feel so much better and much more positive than last month. I aim to progress but to just do what I can at the moment. I keep this in mind all the time: practice and all is coming. I am still not able to make my crow fly consistently but I believe that one day it will! 

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I bought Rupi Kaur's second book, "The Sun and her Flowers," and I feel so inspired. I like poetry but I was never a fan until now. I feel like I need to make space for poetry books in my shelves (or Kindle Library.) She has a very creative way of expressing how girls and women feel about their bodies, their beauty, pain and difficulties.  If you haven't read it yet, I suggest that you do!

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Another form of easing my anxiety is painting. I started painting flowers again and I feel so good. 









Bye Bye Baby; Hello Little Lady


I have been feeling weird a lot lately but this sinking feeling started around a month after Ellie's birth. It's as if every time I looked at my eldest I was at a loss for words with how I felt so I put it at the back of my mind and continued on mothering my girls. But from time to time my husband points out to me that it seems as if I am being a bit hard on Bean. Little mistakes she made would irk me and I lose my patience easily. So most days I keep myself on check.

Until a few more months passed and I noticed that I am indeed a little hard on her. We saw how she started losing confidence in school and became more shy. She'd start to keep to herself--telling us she'd prefer to play by herself. So I knew it was time to face what I've been denying to myself all along.

I am mourning the period of my life when it was just us two. I am not unhappy with our littlest but I miss my eldest even if she is just beside me. I look at her and I remember our own little world and it seems a lifetime ago already. I distinctly recall how I go to the bathroom and try to pee or poop while holding her; preparing and eating my meals while I carry her; how I clean the house while distracting her with her toys. I remember how I sang to her to put her to sleep--and then telling her stories and reading her books before bedtime.

I guess that's how it really is when your baby is growing up. I miss her being small but I am proud and excited of the person she is growing up to be. I have taken action about this issue in my life and I am spending as much time with her as I can before she really really becomes a teenager. LOL!

Bean right now is such a surprise to me! Her confidence is back--she even signed up for acting classes. She reads her books to me before bedtime and I am quite happy she's into chapter books already. She loves to sing and dance and is a big help to me in taking care of Ellie.

I am not a perfect mom but I think am doing a good job. Bean is a very big reminder of this for me. She is my source of strength and she is full of wisdom.

There is one memory I wish to keep in my heart for the rest of my life: It was a sunny day and I drove Bean to school. I parked the car and helped her with her bag as we walked towards the school gate. I gave her a rundown of my schedule for that day and I mentioned to her that I needed to squeeze in a run in the afternoon as I've skipped too many days of exercise. And she told me, "Why do you need to exercise, mom? You look good already, and even if you change, even if you get fat your still perfect for me. To me you're the most beautiful in the world, mom. So don't worry anymore."

Those words mean so much to me; and I couldn't for the life of me, believe that a 6-year old told me that.

I am such a lucky mom. I really am.







it's okay to be NOT okay



This space has been quiet for a long time. I may post here and there but my heart isn't into it. I do it to keep things normal....because I thought that if I didn't acknowledge what has been building up inside me for a period of time then maybe it would just go away. But sadly, it really doesn't.

I do not know how many people suffer from anxiety and I do not know if it's the same thing I've been going through or not. I use the word "anxiety" because it is the closest word I can find. It feels as if the world is about to end and I am either drowning or having a heart attack. It started a little while after Bean's birthday, mid-august. I just woke up one day et voila--there it is yet again.

This isn't something unfamiliar to me because this is the fourth time this has happened. The worst was 2008 when my anxiety escalated to me estimating the years left of every person I encounter ( a bit crazy, right?) Let me tell you that it just sucks. More so this time because now I am taking care of two kids. I have to keep it in check and not have a breakdown. But as much as I try to hide it, not talk about it, and deny it the more it seeps out in the smallest of ways--my constant impatience towards my eldest, how I shut out my husband, how I panic when the littlest just wouldn't nap or would have a change in routine. It's as if I might have a stroke at any moment. As soon as the kids sleep I also try to sleep hoping that the next day I would wake up feeling okay.

So I tried confiding a little to my SIL and husband. At first I'd tell them a little about it and then proceed to talk about other things. Then I get into a constant cycle of self-hate. I stopped painting and did nothing but stare and think when my kids were napping.

One day I just wanted it to stop. I wanted to be myself again. So I told my husband everything. All my worries and everything that I felt, describing it in detail as best as I can. And he told me: "It's okay to be NOT okay; there is no shame in that," and "It's okay to get help if you need it."

And you know what? Accepting that somewhere in me there is something wrong or broken means that it is fixable. Unburdening myself by talking honestly about it helped me feel better. I am still not a hundred percent okay and my panic attacks are still there but I sure feel hell of a lot better.
I am looking forward to go back to writing in this space (even if I know not a lot people read it) and also painting and being a better parent.

So if you think that the world is caving in, or if you feel so down and hopeless....try talking about it with someone you trust and someone who has faith in you.





Nami Island (Korea Trip Part 3)



It took me a while to get to post this and I want to be able to before Ellie turns 2. Lol. There is just too much happening at once and I feel like a wreck most days. But I will be writing about that another time.

NAMI Island was always a dream for me. Being the KDRAMA addict I am I have wished for this day to come for a long long time. There are a lot of places I wish to visit in the world, but this has always been on top of my list. So imagine my agitation when we weren't booked for a tour yet during our stay.

When we were still in Manila I carefully picked out what to wear because I wanted to commemorate this time on my life. Hahaha. Since it was late into spring I assumed it would be a little bit green this time of the year so I picked out something red in order to stand out. Now that I think about it the pictures a little "Christmas-y."

The bus ride from Petite France to the ferry going to the island was short; the boat was around 10-15 minutes. As we arrived I told Adam that there were a lot of people and I worried that it would be too crowded to get the shots that I want...not just for me but for all of us. So he told me we should head to the farthest location in the map first as most people tend to go to what they immediately see. And it worked! Thank God for my husband!

But because we arrived at lunch time most restaurants were packed and we were too hungry to wait in line. We found ourselves an outdoor table with chairs and bought hot dogs on sticks. We ate quickly and proceeded to the farthest location in the map which was the row of giant sequoia trees! I was in awe! My Kdrama dreams just came true! Bean had a blast running around, picking up sticks and leaves and exploring; while Eleanor was such a trooper just patiently in her baby carrier smiling at people.

Do you know about those "expectation vs. reality" posts? They are true most of the time when you have kids. Since Ellie likes being worn in her carrier we took turns wearing her and took turns photographing each other. There was no time to check how I looked; how my daughters looked...or even if my husband's shirt was askew. But that's what made our time and our pictures there beautiful to me: it reminds me of our teamwork as a family. And for me, we make a great team!

Our time there was limited because the  boat will head back in a few hours so we weren't really able to go around the whole island. So we will save that for next time....maybe when it's winter. For now, I am happy to get to experience this place with my family.






























Korea Trip Part 2




CHANGDEOKGUNG PALACE

I haven't gotten around to posting about our Korea trip last May. It's not really my purpose to gather a following I just use my blog as a means to document our life...my thoughts mostly. I look back at what I have written here most of the time. I am particularly happy when I did the 52 Project with my eldest because I got to see her grow. I have planned a number of posts already but couldn't get to it because I am a little OCD and would want to finish with our trip first.

We went to visit Huwon Secret Garden at Changdeokgung Palace. Before our trip we meticulously planned what clothes to bring because the last time we went to Seoul we underestimated the weather. This time we packed clothes that were a little too warm for spring. It was just right for Bean but because little Ellie likes the cold she only wore her usual clothes.

Adam and I were hesitant to travel this early on with two kids. 1-because we wanted to be able to be comfortable 2- we wanted to be able to rest 3- we wanted to bring minimal luggage (which is impossible with a baby) 4- we wanted to take nice pictures and 5- because....TWO KIDS!

To our surprise Bean was mostly well-behaved...she would just complain when she got hungry. Ellie was quite a sport too! She's all good as long as she is worn in her carrier. She is a no-fuss baby and goes with the flow.

The people adore them and randomly plays with them; when they become irritable (usually when it's a long ride in the subway) strangers try to help by playing with them. It doesn't really matter that we don't understand them; really, sometimes actions do speak louder than words.

The Garden was beautiful and it was a long walk, too! We had to leave Ellie with my mom for a little bit just to go around. There was so much green! This part of the trip was cut short because we were so hungry! And actually, I was a little bit impatient because I was excited for Petite France and Nami Island the next day.














PETITE FRANCE

You can tell by my excitement that I love the Little Prince. It's such a gem and has a special place in my heart that's why I was so ecstatic when we booked our tour! We woke up extra early to prepare because the bus would pick us up early. Good thing our girls are early birds and they do not really mind getting ready first thing in the morning.

Confession: I went a little crazy planning what to wear during this trip because I had just given birth...I do not like how I looked and I felt bloated and stretched out still. One thing I asked my "instagram husband" to do was to angle himself correctly to take pictures of me that look thinner.
Looking back at these pictures I think he succeeded but the lesson it taught me is this: While I like how it turned out I would've liked it even more had I loved and accepted myself. Because I wasted time reviewing our pictures, trying to get THE shot....deleting and retaking over and over again....with two kids just made me feel bad about myself.

POST PARTUM TIP: If you want to look slimmer opt for tight fitting jeans with a loose top; put one foot forward and TIPTOE when you get your picture taken; angle slightly to the side. TIPTOE even if it's a half-body shot (trust me on this one.)

Petite France was small but quite lovely. You could see the story book come to life. Bean had a great time looking at paintings and playing all over the place. We had a mini argument here because all she wanted was to play with her cousin and didn't want to tour the place. So we told her it's like "Green Eggs and Ham"-- she should try it out first because she might like it. And alas, she got to her feet and walked around and loved it.























I will end this post here and when I find the time I will post about Nami Island. As they say: save the best for last--and this part of our trip was my favorite.