I have been feeling weird a lot lately but this sinking feeling started around a month after Ellie's birth. It's as if every time I looked at my eldest I was at a loss for words with how I felt so I put it at the back of my mind and continued on mothering my girls. But from time to time my husband points out to me that it seems as if I am being a bit hard on Bean. Little mistakes she made would irk me and I lose my patience easily. So most days I keep myself on check.
Until a few more months passed and I noticed that I am indeed a little hard on her. We saw how she started losing confidence in school and became more shy. She'd start to keep to herself--telling us she'd prefer to play by herself. So I knew it was time to face what I've been denying to myself all along.
I am mourning the period of my life when it was just us two. I am not unhappy with our littlest but I miss my eldest even if she is just beside me. I look at her and I remember our own little world and it seems a lifetime ago already. I distinctly recall how I go to the bathroom and try to pee or poop while holding her; preparing and eating my meals while I carry her; how I clean the house while distracting her with her toys. I remember how I sang to her to put her to sleep--and then telling her stories and reading her books before bedtime.
I guess that's how it really is when your baby is growing up. I miss her being small but I am proud and excited of the person she is growing up to be. I have taken action about this issue in my life and I am spending as much time with her as I can before she really really becomes a teenager. LOL!
Bean right now is such a surprise to me! Her confidence is back--she even signed up for acting classes. She reads her books to me before bedtime and I am quite happy she's into chapter books already. She loves to sing and dance and is a big help to me in taking care of Ellie.
I am not a perfect mom but I think am doing a good job. Bean is a very big reminder of this for me. She is my source of strength and she is full of wisdom.
There is one memory I wish to keep in my heart for the rest of my life: It was a sunny day and I drove Bean to school. I parked the car and helped her with her bag as we walked towards the school gate. I gave her a rundown of my schedule for that day and I mentioned to her that I needed to squeeze in a run in the afternoon as I've skipped too many days of exercise. And she told me, "Why do you need to exercise, mom? You look good already, and even if you change, even if you get fat your still perfect for me. To me you're the most beautiful in the world, mom. So don't worry anymore."
Those words mean so much to me; and I couldn't for the life of me, believe that a 6-year old told me that.
I am such a lucky mom. I really am.
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