What is Life?

I used to work for money. I think there was a time in my life that I loved money. I was so into material things; I couldn't believe I am living the life I have now...and loving it. It's no joke to get married, live on your own, raise a little one, manage a household, work, and still enjoy the things you want.

Adam taught me this.

I wasn't born rich but we had more that we needed. I lived a comfortable life (or more than that I think). During the early parts of our relationship, we'd often go out and eat at fancy restaurants, watch movies, shop for books and anything else we liked...but I can see how simple Adam lived. This was okay with me, though at times I'd act really clueless...mostly when it came to cooking, cleaning, and any chore for that matter.

We got married, had a daughter, and got a place of our own. Oh boy! I crammed all the things I needed to know about being independent in about a month with the guidance of my husband. I didn't think I could do it...but I did. I have been taking care of my daughter and managing our home, plus working on the side for so long...it all seems natural now. I still find time to do yoga and surf.

But honestly, we're still not rich. Sometimes, life gets financially challenging; however, we rarely sulk because we have each other. We are happy...and we support each other. There are disagreements that we calmly talk through. And I know that this is how I want my life to be.

I no longer want money, maybe just enough to support our little family. What's important is that we are healthy, happy, and that our relationship will continue to grow.

One night I asked my husband..."Do I look older now?" He said, "No."

I asked again, "Do I look ugly now?"

He honestly replied, "No, but you look tired."

To which I said, "I know. I am. But I am happy. Thank you."

I honestly never felt so beautiful inside and out until I realized how simple life should be lived.

17/52

17/52

"A portrait of my daughter, once a week, every week, in 2014." 

 I did not take this picture. This is Bean's first selfie from the GoPro. She's so fascinated with it that she always asks if we can bring it every time we go out.  I think she's going to be an adventurer and travel the world someday. I only have so many hopes for you little girl, but as long as what you want will make you happy (and if it is at the right time) that's perfectly fine with me. Go and grow. I love you forever!

Being True to Yourself

Being true to yourself is an important factor when you wish to find happiness. No, not the temporary kind; but the one that will stick with you all the days of your life. I may come off as an expert at this but I am not. I am just beginning my journey.

I have written time and again how I have felt lost these past few years, and how motherhood left me with just being a mom. All my friends were busy with work; I was busy nurturing my baby that I forgot to nurture myself. And sometimes the effect of this situation also affected my relationship with Adam. We'd fight often. I'd be so needy you'd probably slap me (well, good thing my husband would never do that).

Now let us fast forward to when I realized that life is too short to make it complicated. When I lost my dearest cousin I was very down in the dumps. I did not know how to start the day knowing she's not there anymore. But life goes on. I found Yoga, and surprisingly, surfing. I spend a lot of time browsing my Instagram feed. I follow a lot of people who do Yoga or surf. I admit, when they post a photo of themselves doing asanas or riding a big wave...I am always left inspired. It leaves me with thoughts of one day being able to accomplish what they have. Most times I know I already failed even before I try. This is because I am ashamed of myself, and I always think about how other people perceive me.

And it just had to stop.

I admit...before becoming a mother, any picture of myself has undergone an hour of Photoshop. Yes, the liquify tool once was my best friend. A little flab would instantly go away. Over time I realized, I am not really fooling anybody...I am just fooling myself...or making a fool of myself because when people will see me in person...I might have looked a little different from my photos. It also became so tiring... and deceiving. Photoshopping my body did not make me confident...it added to my addiction to attain that "ideal" beauty the media is continuously feeding women (and men).

But what is beauty anyway? Adam always tells me "I'd rather have a fat wife who is happy, than one who has a banging body but sulks every day." As usual, he is right. Because if the situation was reversed, I'd also feel the same way.

Here's an honest story: There was once a time I tried to be comfortable with myself. I purposely left my board shorts when we went to Real, Quezon to surf. Let me tell you how much my insecurity got the best of me...I had zero rides that day because the only thing on my mind that day was how jiggly my big legs were...or how my butt must have looked like a whale or something. It left me disappointed because if I had just enjoyed that day I would've progressed on my surf journey.

I had to take a huge leap.

And just a about a moth ago...I let go. I learned to love myself and my flaws.

I may still post process my photos to improve the colors; but, with all honesty, I do not use the liquify or transform tools anymore. No frequency separation is happening...no pores are disappearing.

I am sharing a few photos my husband took of me; and some that I took of my cousin. I braved the weekend showing my true self. Congratulations to me! And if you are on the same journey, my heart goes out to you. Good luck!

16/52

16/52

"A portrait of my daughter, once a week, every week, in 2014." 

Let me tell you about a girl who also loves the water. There she is in that picture. Most times she gets ahead of herself wanting to go farther out to sea. One day, little lady. But for now, just float close to mom and dad. 

High Summer

Life has been really stressful for me. Work, actually. I used to love what I do. Its flexibility was so in tune with being a full time mom; however, these days suck. Changes in the rules make it hard for me to get things done, headaches become frequent, and my patience is wearing thin. I am always looking forward to our annual beach trip. It was the final hope of redeeming positivity. Even though I am still troubled about whether or not I have a job...I decided to let it go and let life be.

Indeed, we enjoyed our short vacation! Most of the time we were in the water, and I loved every second of it. I think Adam, Bean and my cousin, Kirsten, loved it too. The sun was no problem. We were so busy swimming it all went by so fast. We gorged on food, drank fruit juices, and bonded. The thing is, we are already missing so much people. Our other cousins aren't present, life gets in the way...but there will always be a next time.

Bean taking her paddle practice seriously.

We are missing my brother, sis-in-law, Winter, Neal, cousins from mom's brother (all of them plus my aunt and uncle), tito Joven, tita Mita, Joriel (who went home earlier)...and friends. We still had fun though! Me, Kirsten and Adam even had time to take pictures...for which I have to write about in a different post.

We also took the time to improve on our underwater skills. I do this because of surfing. Maybe one day I might need this after a nasty wipe out! I can say I swam better before. I think that it's because after becoming a mother I had less time in the water. But I will get there again!

Three musketeers.

Tiny feet in the ocean. I love.

Adam and I, always.

This weekend did really cheer me up. Not just because we spent it with good company, not just because we had lots of time in the water...I am just more at peace and comfortable with myself. My fears and insecurities do not stop me from doing what I want. Through that I found such joy. I am so blessed with a husband who loves me unconditionally...plus my daughter! Also, for my cousin, Kirsten, who is my source of strength and clarity...to my whole family for encouraging me to go on and live life!

As usual, the little miss refuses to go home. On our way home from the beach:
Bean: I want to go back to the beach.

Me: Next time, okay? Because we need to go home.

Bean: But I want to go to the other beach, mommy!

Me: What other beach?

Bean: Bali. I want to go to Bali.

I guess she fell in love, too.

We hope everyone enjoyed the week, too!