Slowly Getting There

Phew! Two months into being a mother of two leaves me in a state of confusion most of the time. I always have to decide who to prioritize first, Bean or Ellie; Ellie or Bean? It is already a struggle for me because I am used to being there for my eldest 24/7. I thought I was the only one who was going to have a had time; although I knew Bean would be in for a few adjustments...I never thought it would cause her such heartbreak.

She would always ask me, "Why always, Ellie, mama?" "Can I play with you LIKE WE USED TO?" "How come you're too tired to play with me?" "Remember we used to do art together? Now we don't anymore."

God knows how much I miss those things! And I cry about it when I'm alone. Because Ellie is still super dependent I know I have to take care of her, at the same time I want to fulfill every need of our five year old girl.

I openly talk about it on social media...that my daughter is my best friend--and she really is. So I talk to her about it all the time. I explain to her that her sister would grow up soon and she can be our best friend, too. But for now she needs to understand that a baby cannot fend for herself and that babies need to be taken care of until they get a little older. Well, she always says, "Yes, mama," but most of the time she still forgets. But I am glad she is vocal about how much she loves her sister and how she can't wait for them to get to play together.

A piece of advice I got from my husband is this: (thank the heavens he has the answers when I'm a little lost!)

Spend more time with Bean and let others help out in taking care of Ellie because the baby is not conscious yet and will not remember anything as of now. As for Bean, she might get the idea that she is put in second place. Spend more time with her and extend more patience so she will remember a happy childhood instead of the jealousy she feels. 

I agree with Adam. But as a mother, I also really want to take care of our baby. So here I am taking this advice a little bit everyday. Bean and I rarely fight about small things now. Maybe it's me getting into the groove of things or her starting to understand the situation.

Things are getting better as the days pass...and our little family is excited for the Holidays. It's going to be a busy month and I am already in a state of panic thinking of how to balance parenting, house work, cooking for the holidays, Bean's schedule in school, repainting and redecorating our home, slowly getting back to yoga and some cardio...and of course, to start surfing again.

One day at a time. I remind myself. One day at a time.

Blessings to you this Christmas season!

Motherhood Lately

I never would have thought I'd be a mother because it wasn't really one of my goals when I was younger. But then I became one...and then again I am a mother for the second time even when I said one child was enough. I said one was enough not just because I was traumatized with my first birth experience but also because of other issues within myself:

After birthing a baby I feel that I lose myself. From pregnancy to having the baby and the recovery period I AM NOT MYSELF. Physically and emotionally. Mentally, I try to hold on to every bit of me possible. I am very vocal about this with my husband even with my first pregnancy. I would always tell him that one of my main concerns was getting my body back. I know, it is so superficial and it seems irrelevant to most but that's it for me. I am not vain but I am very conscious because if you've followed my blog from the start you'd know that I was a fat kid who went through eating disorders and excessive exercise. With Bean, it took almost a year to lose the weight and another year to achieve a toner version of me.

It has been a month since having Eleanor and I haven't gotten the go signal to workout and I'm already thinking of the long journey to achieve my goals. I am the type of person who wants to get to the finish line fast but this time I don't see it happening because within a month I have experienced how it is to have two kids. I still haven't found that balance!

I tell this to Adam and he assures me that I could do it, to just enjoy the journey and that I will get there before I know it. Believe me, I love my children more than anything in this world but I figured that to be the best mother for them, I need to work on myself, too. I need to be happy... and getting myself back is a part of it.

Another issue I am having right now is not being able to surf. I honestly miss it so much! Before getting pregnant we discussed this already. I told myself that I'd be back in the water by January next year. But last night we began talking about it and then suddenly it turned into a mini misunderstanding because my husband suggested that on December maybe I could start again and get pushed into waves just to get a hang of it again. I asked him why I needed to get pushed if he was confident that I haven't lost whatever skill I had prior to having our baby? He explained to me that his point was not to pressure me and for me to just have fun...but I got depressed because it dawned on me that everything I've worked hard for was worth nothing now. I'd have to put in the same amount of effort just to be able to do what I love.

I had a moment of internal breakdown. And then I thought to myself...so what? So what if I'm back at square one? I have a husband who would do anything to make me happy, who loves me and thinks the world of me; I have two kids who make me feel like a million bucks. Surfing will always be there but being a mother to Bean and Ellie is just once in a lifetime.

Having Bean made me feel lucky and blessed; having Eleanor made me feel even luckier and even more blessed. But honestly, I already worried about favoring one over the other while I was pregnant. My relationship with Bean is quite special. She's my daughter, my hero and my best friend. She made me grow up. She made me become the best version of myself and made me open up to the world. And then this new little person comes into our lives and I was so nervous about it. I thought it would tip our world off balance...

Bean and I have our episodes of drama, missing how it was before her sister came. But looking at the big picture we both adore little Ellie! It may be hard when both of them need me at the same time but we're slowly getting there.

Bringing a child into this world makes me lose myself. It tears me into pieces on the inside but my children are the ones who help me put myself back together....stronger and better. Believe me, I was so tempted to do a little nip and tuck to the pictures my husband took of me but I didn't. I may not like it at the moment but this version of me gave birth to two wonderful girls and I wouldn't change a thing. I have goals and I will get there, one step at a time. For now I will enjoy every moment of loving my little people and getting loved in return.

Hello, Eleanor! (Birth Story)

Eleanor Emily Sison McGee

Date of Birth: September 30, 2016

Time: 9:24 AM

Birth Weight: 2.6 Kg

Length: 50 cm

I never expected to give birth early, though I'd always joke about it because of the aches and pains I've been feeling since August. But, it happened and I wouldn't change a thing. My original due date is October 20, but since I was going to have a repeat C-section we scheduled it a week earlier,,,around  the 11th of October. And then I found out my parents (both doctors) have an upcoming trip I asked my OB the earliest possible date I could give birth because I wanted my mom and dad to be there with me. We decided it would be the 7th. I even decorated my journal page on that day!

But during the early hours of the morning, September 30, 2016 I woke up because Bean was calling my name asking me to stay beside her bed for a bit. It was around 3:30 AM. I held her hand until a little past 4 and made sure she was sleeping soundly. I lay on our bed but couldn't seem to go to slumber. I was browsing Facebook when I felt an ache close to feeling gassy; I thought it would pass. But around half an hour later it escalated to something that felt like diarrhea, just a little bit worse. I sat on the toilet for what seemed like forever until I felt that inevitable sensation that I had to push. Thinking that I was going to poop, I pushed and pushed until tall I wanted to do was push! Then I thought to myself, was I in labor?

I woke up my husband and told him I was in pain. I was feeling cold and clammy, and the aches would come and go every few minutes. I asked him to call either my mom or dad so we would know what was happening and what we should be doing...should we be going to the hospital??? Our commotion woke up Bean, and she was a real source of calm for me. She would pat my back and ask me what hurt; she obediently packed a bag of her toys to bring to the hospital if ever this day was THE DAY. I also texted my OB and she told us to go the hospital already.

Upon going down the stairs the pain was unbearable that I was begging Adam to bring me to the nearest hospital, I didn't even care where because our hospital is about an hour to an hour and a half to reach. Luckily, we made it (me, closing my eyes and gritting my teeth; Adam driving so seriously, and Bean staring out the windows) in less than an hour. I went straight to the labor room and then they confirmed it. I was going to have my operation ASAP.

Being the wimp that I am, I was anxious and nervous and so unsure. I felt like I was going to suffocate. I worried about Bean because I wasn't able to tell her what was happening; I worried about Adam because they weren't allowed to stay with me. I'm glad my mom was there though, because it helped me regulate my feelings and made me appear to be normal and taking things as they were.

My OB arrived and they prepped me and wheeled me into the O.R. They were asking me if I was ready to get a spinal block but I begged to wait for my dad. I wanted my parents there simply because it made me feel that everything will be okay. My dad arrived and the spinal block was administered.....and half of me felt numb in no time.

Everything happened so fast, I just herd them say, "Baby out; it's a baby girl," but there was no cry. I clearly remember giving birth to my first hearing her cry so loud. This worried me so much and I kept on asking them why there was no cry...why can't I hear the baby cry?? My dad told me that they were just cleaning her up because she had a lot of secretions on her nose and mouth. He showed me the video where in my baby was pulled out and was laid there...limp and weak. After what seemed like forever I finally heard her faint cry. They showed her to me for a few seconds and then took her away. I kept on asking what will happen and they kept on telling me not to talk because my abdominal area might hurt after.

So I laid there for around an hour or two, scratching my face and my arms...they told me it was a side effect of the morphine...I wasn't really listening because I was expecting to hold my baby. I expected to be wheeled into our room with her at the same time.

We spent a the whole day and night without her. They said she was in the NICU because of an infection. All I could do was pray and pray and pray. The next day they brought her in our room. We were able to spend the day with her but then we were informed she had to go back to the NICU because her breathing wasn't so good....and her nails were a little blue.

We decided to spend the whole week at the hospital, so that I could exclusively breastfeed her while she recovers. During the times it was just us three in the hospital room, my anxiety and fears were calmed by our first born, she would keep on making art works and little notes for me telling me how much she loves me. She drew images of her baby sister and she tells us how much she loves her already, too.

It was one of the strangest experience of my life....having my heart grow bigger to accommodate this new member of our family...and at the same time fearing that I wouldn't be able to handle the change. But I am so blessed to have the most loving and supporting husband who did nothing but take care of us and reassured me that everything will be okay. I am so blessed to have a firstborn who loves me unconditionally and has always been my source of strength and wisdom.

Hello, Eleanor...now we are home. I have a lot more to share about our new journey but I have to save it for next time...mommy duties first!

Mixed Emotions

We are so ready to meet our baby girl no. 2! It seems like only yesterday that I took a test, confident that it wasn't just "the month" yet and that I would be having my period the same day or the next. And while packing my daughter's lunch box, a quick glance at the test shocked me (in a good way), two lines! So I quickly made a note to surprise Adam, who had to read it a couple of times to understand the message. LOL.

Though we have been looking forward to this for a time now, I was hesitant because I was traumatized with my first birth experience! But thanks to the support of my husband and daughter...we're already here ready to say hello to this little one.

But this post isn't only about that, but my current worries and how Bean has been coping with the situation. Being an over thinker and a paranoid person my mind is constantly plagued with weird and crazy things which are ever so random that's why I busy myself with house chores, art, organization, etc. These days I think about the adjustment our little family will have, especially Bean.

She has stepped up quite a lot ever since I got pregnant. She's the one who holds my hand and pats my back when my face is stuffed in the toilet vomiting the whole day. She let's me nap during the afternoon while she quietly plays or draws beside me. She also always asks me how I am, if I have a headache, if I need a hug. Small things that make my heart swell with joy...and feel that the whole day vomiting and nausea isn't so bad.

During this last trimester, my movement and activities have been limited. I asked our OB if I can still drive, and at the start of the month she said "NO," but I told her I don't have a choice because nobody will bring our daughter to school until October. I explained that the school is a 5 minute drive away, to which she said "okay" as long as there is still space between the steering wheel and my bump. The thing is, it takes great effort to walk from the parking to the gate and back (it actually takes effort to walk at all because baby no. 2 sat on a nerve somewhere.)

Accompanying Bean to school has become my security blanket--like it's the last connection I have to her being my baby! But I had to give that up, too. I talked to her about being dropped off the gate, and at first she cried. But I explained to her that I couldn't walk and that it pains me a lot to do so. I told her I didn't want this to happen but we have to adjust because in the coming days things are going to change and that she's going to be a big sister already. I am glad she finally gave in. And so we started our new routine, not just with things involving school but also here at home.

It's so surprising that somebody 26 years younger than me has taught me so much more than my experiences to this day. I am so happy to find a best friend in my own daughter. I know my heart has to grow to accommodate two littles, but my little miss Bean will always be special.

My Loves at Avilon

Two months ago, at my appointment with my OB, I asked if I could still join my daughter on her field trip which is a few weeks shy of "D day." Initially, she said yes I could go...but upon finding out it would be at the zoo she said NO because I might contract a disease or any sickness from animal exposure or something. Well, this news broke my heart but we make do of the situation. So for this year it was just Bean and Adam.

Being a mom with a semi-type A personality I made a list of the things they needed to bring and I checked and prepared them over and over. I also asked Bean to bring the Instax camera so she could take pictures of the animals she liked.

Here's a little trivia: Avilon Zoo is memorable to us because it was where Adam took me for our first "official date." "Official" because it wasn't talking over coffee and we still weren't exclusively a couple. I was surprised to get asked out to go to a zoo but I did have a great time!

I was texting Adam throughout the day asking if they already ate, if he's letting bean drink water or go to the loo. Also, I wanted to know if she was having a great time, and I am so very glad that both of them enjoyed!

Surprisingly, Bean loves snakes. She likes petting them and reading about them. I'm just relieved that she doesn't want one for a pet.

I just like the patterns on this one.

It was a real disappointment that I wasn't able to see our girl have a grand time but I am ecstatic that she and her dad had a blast! The first thing she showed me were the pictures she took, and her take home activity which she excitedly accomplished so fast. That night she couldn't help tell me stories about her day.

I am thankful and blessed to have a husband who shares the same parenting beliefs with me. It doesn't matter to us if our daughter is the best in school, or in anything...we just want her to be happy and secure...always.

In less than twenty days we are to meet baby girl number 2! I am overwhelmed with emotions...but I am trying to be positive that everything will be okay. This blessing has been what we've been wishing for and we're so close! :)

Almost There

When I found out I was pregnant last February, I was so ecstatic to tell Adam. Besides loving everything"baby," we really thought it was about time. So I hoped that this time around I would skip the nausea and vomiting phase and even issues with the pregnancy because when I was pregnant with Bean I was almost always on bed rest, drinking medicines and have had bleeding, too. The first two weeks were a breeze that's why we thought this pregnancy would be different...until we had our first scan. I was again told to be on bed best for two weeks because of a "subchorionic hemorrhage" that was seen. After a few days I had severe nausea and vomiting which lasted until the 6 month.

As these things took a back seat, I was so happy to be able to eat and exercise again (my OB gave the go signal) but then again, I developed sharp pains near my right groin area which runs through my inner thigh. The doctor told me that the baby was pressing on a nerve, or something like that. There's no choice but to just get through it daily. I have a five-year old to drive to school from Monday-Friday, I feed and care for her and we do schoolwork and play time together, too. I make it a point to do these things even if I'm feeling so much discomfort because I want to be able to cherish the time when it's still just me and Bean. It has been five years of pure happiness with her...it may sound cliche but she's my source of strength. Whenever I feel doubt, she's the one who keeps me standing strong. 

It has been months of walking in pain for me. But yesterday was the last straw. Upon waking up, I had a hard time standing on my right leg. The pain was just too much , yet I thought that if I got myself walking it would dull the pain. So we went on with our morning routine and I drove Bean to school. From there I found it impossible to get back to our car. I limped all throughout and it seemed impossible! I drove home (there's no pain when I'm sitting down) and also had an excruciating time getting down from the car and getting into the house. So I texted my OB and called Adam to let him know of the situation. Again, I am advised to be on bed rest, hopefully I'd be able to be mobile in a few days because....who the h*ck would bring my little girl to school?!

I did cry my heart out to my husband because every time I feel sick, or I am unable to do anything to contribute in the house or in our family I feel useless. I feel that I would be lacking as a mother when I just lie down and rest and do nothing. And I am so glad and grateful that he talked sense into my head...that I am not useless and that I am also doing this for our family.

Right now I am busying myself with crafts and art, finding inspiration during this "nesting" phase, and preparing myself mentally for the surgery.

Only about four weeks to go and we can't wait to meet this little one!

A Simple Party for our Madeleine Bean

I can't believe that I have been doing this for five years already: throwing a themed party annually for our little love. And this year's challenge for me is doing it while pregnant! This pregnancy is really taking a lot out of me. I feel exhausted all the time, literally. I have been pinning a lot of party inspirations over on Pinterest but ended up procrastinating anyway. Also, we only invited a few people because I really find it difficult to be hosting this time around.

I tried too keep it as simple as possible with a menu that was easy to prepare. Thank God for my mom and yaya Baby who helped me so much with the preparations and with cooking some of the food.

This year Bean requested for a Shopkins/ My Little Pony birthday party, and I have scoured the internet for all the free printable I could find. Good thing there were a lot! And I made a lot of paper decorations based on the color scheme of MLP and Shopkins.

Another thing that was a challenge for me was baking a cake. I do bake cupcakes every time Bean celebrates her birthday and order a custom cake based on the theme...but upon inquiry the price increase was just not within our budget. So I told Adam that I'll be the one baking the cake. I have never baked a cake before and was hesitant because I didn't want to disappoint our daughter (who kept on looking through the internet for her "perfect cake.") I was so relived to find out that people actually liked the cake! And our daughter absolutely loved it, which was more important to me.

All we wanted was for her to enjoy her day and to spend it with our family and friends. I am sharing a few photos of the party which I hope would help others realize that you can still have a blast and a great party even when you're on a  budget!

My first cake ever: funfetti cake with strawberry cream cheese frosting.

Shopkins-inspired loot bags.

Paper stars....

Surprisingly, the marshmallows and popcorn were a hit with the adults!

I can't believe she's 5 and such a lady.

When your cousin is your best friend!

....annual cupcakes.....

Miss Taylor Lane

with tita Summer.

...feeling like a whale but I wanted a picture with her.

....my everything....

with lola

a selfie with mamamita....

three generations....

...not really praising myself, but this cake was YUM!