Still Here, Still Surfing

I haven't opened my blog lately and by "lately" I mean in months. It was a harsh summer. I always tell myself to write about it here in this space...but I don't think it will serve me well doing that for now. I am not ready...not yet. But I'm still here. It's true, sh*t happens and life can be cruel but I choose to still live it anyway.

These past few months I felt as if I was bound to lose many things. Aside from the surf, we lost our grandmother. I feel so beat, as if life really let me down yet again. I spent two months in a daze, telling myself it will be okay.

I lost my cousin two years ago (the same month our grandmother passed) and I started to push myself out of my comfort zone ever since. The loss of a loved one is what prompted me to come out stronger because after all, I am very weak by nature. This event in my life is the reason I started to surf. 

And now, two years later, I am back at square one. Another person dear to me is gone. Again, I am left in this dire situation. Again, I feel as if I am starting a new life. And with the swell coming in, I am making it a point to come out stronger, to be better...not only with surfing...but with life.

 JP

 Adam

 Alvin

So we packed our things for our first surf trip after two months. I am happy to be back at the place where I was first pushed into a wave. I had a lot of baggage this time around. A year ago my only worry was looking stupid in front of strangers....this time I worried about losing whatever progress I worked hard for, if there ever was any.

Well, to be honest, my endurance was cut in half. With paddle power, not much (I guess daily Yoga really does help). It was a very familiar feeling. As if I have done it only yesterday. I haven't even reached half a year in the lineup, and I have learned so many things...about people and about myself. And this is one thing I like about surfing, it will teach you a lot about life and reality.

Meryl

It was like a mini reunion with Adam, JP, Tanya, Joan and of course, Bean (plus her ninong Alvin). Time flew by so fast that I find myself right here by my desk looking at the pictures gathered from the weekend. It was a fun, familiar feeling. And I love it, have loved it, and will definitely continue to love it. 

This trip was also for my dearest husband because it was his birthday. I planned a week ahead with Joan on how to make a simple surprise for him. So we bought a few pieces of fudge bars and put "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" candles on it which we put on the bed; so when Adam opened the door, we sang him the birthday song. I hope he liked it. I really hope he did; because I had nothing special to give him, just a little painting with a message. 

I wanted him to feel very special because he is the one who started it all. This constant craving for surf. He would always make sure we have a place to stay in; he would prepare the boards and all the stuff with it, he is the one who drives the car, and he always gives me an extra hand with our little girl.

We spent three days surfing in the morning, and sometimes in the afternoon, too. I have nothing else to say....just that it is indeed one of the best feelings in the world---catching a wave and being able to ride it. I feel so free.

I am so lucky to have you, dearest husband. 

Even if it was your birthday you let me surf first.

When I felt so dehydrated in the lineup and couldn't see well,

you immediately stopped catching waves and helped me get to shore.

You continue to inspire me to become a better person,

a stronger woman in and out of the surf.

Imagine 1.5 years ago I was crying,

because I felt so pressured by you to take that first surf lesson,

After almost fighting

I couldn't believe that I am already surfing with you.

In the line up, 

catching waves all on my own. 

I feel very grateful to you

for believing in me

when no one else does

when I am on the verge of giving up, 

you always tell me that in time

I will get to where I am supposed to be.

And here I am, 

all because you exist.

Me at 30

Me at thirty years old is so different from me in my twenties. I have never been so committed, so active, so loving, so forgiving and many more! I guess marriage and motherhood did me good. Back then I would live for late nights, alcohol and poker; at present I enjoy being healthy, fit and creative. I used to be so conscious whenever I gained weight, whenever my skin gets tanned from the sun...I always used to care so much about how people perceived me. Here are some facts about the younger me:

1. I used to be anorexic.

2. I was very scared to sleep.

3. I was terrified of being happy.

4. I wanted a child but I didn't like the "gaining weight" part of pregnancy.

5. I spent most of my time daydreaming.

6. I am very paranoid about my friends. When somebody accidentally ignored me...I thought I did something wrong.

7. I loved money. I even volunteered to do overtimes and clock in during holidays for more pay.

8. You would rarely see me in flat shoes.

9. I drove fast....and furious.

10. I was hopeless.

And at present (30 years old):

1. I am happy to say that I eat regularly...sometimes more. I have cheat days...but mostly I eat a lot of fruits and vegetables. Nope, I quit being vegan.

2. I still sleep late...but hey...I sleep!

3. I bask in the sunlight! I make it a point to choose to be happy no matter what the situation. This is something Adam has instilled in me. It did not go smoothly at first...but look where I am now.

4. I did gain around 33 lbs during my pregnancy...but I really fell hard for motherhood that I didn't really notice the "gains" until my old clothes fit just right.

5. Instead of daydreaming...me and my little family are making all our hopes and dreams come true! I used to dream of doing yoga, going surfing, being a good cook, traveling; I am happy to say I/we are able to do these things at the moment (and hopefully until forever)!

6. "I used to walk into a room full of people and wonder if they liked me; now I look around and wonder if I like them." This quote sums up pretty much of it.

7. I don't care about money... as long as me and my family are healthy and happy I am okay.

8. You'd almost always see me in flip flops or sneakers.

9. I drive safely and carefully. Thank you to my daughter for this.

10. I am hopeful about everything. Though my faith isn't as strong as I'd want it to be...I know that I am getting there.


I guess I've changed a lot because of all the events in my life--good or bad. I got married; had a kid; lost my cousin; I have been happy and sad; I have laughed and cried...I've been a little evil and now I'm all about goodness. Being thirty isn't so bad. It made me see how life is beautiful.

Lately in the City

It's summer...and the world seems to be flat. No surf...nothing; and life in the city made me reflect on some things in my life. It's not very breezy these past few weeks. Our grandmother is in the hospital, and of course, everybody is worried. As much as I/we crave to be by the sea.... our hearts tell us we need some time at home--to rest, to recover, to just be with family and friends. And so.....

I realized that Bean will be going to school this year. That means I get a few hours to myself which sounds nice...but then I get anxious thinking about it because it wouldn't be just me taking care of her and teaching her. What's great about this isn't really having a break from my girl, but knowing that school will feed her curious mind. She never stops asking questions and most of the time our conversations go like this:

"Mama, can I ask you a question?"

"Shoot."

"Hey, that's not a nice word, mama. And I said I have a question."

"Oh, sorry. What is it, Bean?" 

"What are you thinking about?"

"Nothing."

"Oh. I think your thinking about the sea."

"Why do you think that?"

"Because you like the beach. I like the beach and sea creatures. Did you know that jellyfish can sting you? Then you need to go to the hospital to get yourself healed. But what do sperm whales eat?"

"You know about sperm whales?"

"Yes, mama! Even Orcas!"

So she knows a lot of things about the sea; not just the sea....even animals and how plants are powered by the sun. I think she's smart.

Another thing  I thought about is how to finish the artworks I'm planning to sell or use to start a business since the little miss quit all her naps. I have to get around to doing this!

I also want to be able to improve on my cooking skills and meal planning. Especially because I will be preparing Bean's lunchbox this year. I am excited about this but worried that she won't eat them. She is such a picky eater...so I am taking notes of her favorites.

Taking pictures, capturing moments-- I have been neglecting this side of me that loves documenting life. We have been too busy surfing and I really want to shift my focus on this. So that's another one for my list.

This blog. I would really like to write more in here; and I will be. I have reviewed the contents and noticed that I post about our surf trips mostly and I would like to strike a balance with the things that I place in this space; after all,our life is comprised of more than just the sea!

Two superficial things I also realized: 1. I haven't been taking care of myself in terms of the way I dress. It's always shorts, shirts, tank tops and flip flops! So me and dearest husband have been doing a bit of shopping to update our wardrobe. I couldn't even remember the last time we dressed up for a date! Lol. 2. I am so tempted to get rid of my hair again and sport a sort of pixie! I have done this last 2008 and then 2012...and right now I am pretty bored with my hair....but I am taking my time to think about this because I don't want to regret cutting my hair just because I am bored. Superficial.

Lastly, I have been contemplating on how to get to see my grandma more. I have a hard time finding someone to leave Bean with for a few hours so I can visit her more.

So these are the things in my head lately here in the city. Care to hare yours?

and another one

.....we just came home from a three day trip to Baler a few days ago. This time, we went with another group of friends...familiar but somewhat new. There's Jay and Mon. And even though at first it felt like I was out of my comfort zone, it only took a few minutes to feel at home with these new faces. Because everybody knows I'm the type of person who runs out of things to say...or that one who doesn't know what to talk about, I was quite nervous. Little did I know I was in for a three-day laugh trip.

It took over two weeks to organize this trip...and then it was also supposed to be cancelled because of news regarding a storm; gladly, everything pulled trough. Adam told me it wouldn't be raining during the days we were there...but we were in for a surprise.

The waves were big. From Thursday to Saturday....they were big. Every time I wake up in the morning I can hear the waves crashing on the shore. I always take a look from the balcony and I feel my nerves starting to tell me to just give up--not to paddle out.

Oh but what beauty it is to me, or to us. Those perfect lines, clean and glassy. Thankfully, all the people we were with on this trip were all optimists. Especially, Mon. He would cheer me on the whole time in the water. his humor actually calmed my nerves and helped me decide to just get it over with and catch those waves.

And I did. I got what I came for, and I felt brave.

Adam also had a great time riding wave after wave until he strained himself from trying to Eskimo roll this big wave...and add to that, losing one contact lens in the sea. But that didn't stop him from surfing. He even paddled out with me to the lineup on our last morning surf because I almost chickened out with the size of the sets and the large number of people surfing.

Growing up, I was very sheltered and I haven't enjoyed this kind of life until now. Only now do I have the privilege of traveling with new faces, meeting authentic and unique people...and I am only starting to feel the freedom of being my own person.

When I'm out there I can't explain the happiness I feel. And though I had my worst wipe out on this trip; even though my form appeared to be weird; even when I was having a hard time trimming the waves...I constantly remind myself that experience is the best teacher. I may not be where I want to be yet, and I know I've got a long way to go...but it feels so great knowing that I have come far from where I began and that i have my whole life to work on this