happy 10 months (of surfing) to me

I can't believe it's been ten months of surfing, not just for me...but for Adam, too. I couldn't believe because I am one of the worst people to commit to something that I am not sure I'd be sticking with in the long run. I am impatient, afraid of failure and a coward. Which when you think about...isn't really suited for surfing. 

You see, I have this big fear. I am a control freak and losing control is a big NO for me. Adam knows this well. I easily breakdown when there is a change of plans or if I cannot accomplish something because I am not capable of doing so. And the ocean is something nobody can control. It is something bigger than me and I just take what I can get. 

I also deal with failure poorly. To keep it short, I do not dabble into things I am sure I am not going to be good at. Or if ever I do, I always want to get to the top...fast. And with me being like this....I knew it wouldn't work out.

But life has a funny way of letting things fall into place. I was given a husband with so much patience, commitment, and courage. No joke. It's like we're a perfect match. He knows that not everything in life can be controlled, he works hard to accomplish his goals, and he deals with failure fairly well. Sometimes I need to slap myself to believe that we are here, right now, doing what we love...and doing it together.

I was first pushed into a wave last 2010 in Baler. Nothing followed. Life happened: we got married and we had a baby. As we were busy becoming parents we slowly slipped away from our own selves. Hobbies and passions were set aside...we fell madly in love with our daughter that we did not notice we were also losing our identities. It was just "daddy" and "mommy." I don't know how surfing got to my husband again... but for me...it was because of death...of loss and of pain.

 The day I lost my cousin... I was so heartbroken and nothing could stop the emptiness I felt. No matter how hard I screamed and how many times I cried...there was a hole in my heart and I did not know what to do. To be honest, I was angry. I was angry because I couldn't control anything. I wasn't able to save her, nobody was. Nothing I did changed that, she was gone. I lost all control of my emotions and passed the days immersing myself with the happiness I got from my daughter and husband. But I did not know how to make the rage in me go away. I took up yoga. That helped...a lot. Around that time Adam began to surf again. He would bug me again and again to try. I did (in a wave pool); I did not have fun. And I asked him:

 "What do you get from surfing anyway?? You'd tire yourself paddling out...and then you get a nasty wipe out...what's the point in that? What makes you come back for more?"

He gave me no clear answer. He just simply said, "I don't know. I couldn't explain it. You'd know if you tried."

I didn't.

But I tagged along on his surf trips...playing with Bean on the shore while watching him. He surfs; I take his pictures. He surfs; I play with Bean....and two trips was all it took for me to feel a little envious of his new found passion. He looked so happy...like he was on top of the world.

I wanted that. I wanted to feel that way too.

So I told him, almost whispering, "Daddy, I think I want to give it a try again."

Ten months ago, I was again pushed into a wave. I got up on my first try. I thought it was going to be easy to learn and progress....but I was clueless then. I thought paddling and catching a wave on your own would come naturally. It doesn't. I was continuously pushed into waves...and they said I looked like a natural once I am riding it.

But paddling was a different thing! It was way out of my league. I have no muscle mass, I am not athletic...and I do not eat enough to have that kind of endurance to last even twenty minutes in the water.

Then Adam taught me something about commitment. To stick to what I am doing even when the gong gets tough, even when failure is laughing at me in the face. To keep going out in the water even if I already want to quit.

I do not have the luxury of getting enough water time because I am a mother. My priority is not myself. My time is not only for myself. We only get about two surf trips a month. This makes me work twice as hard...because I want to get it so bad.

We all know, though, that things like surfing cannot be rushed. I have come close to giving up. Once, I think, I even cried to my husband because I was foolish enough to ride a smaller board when I haven't even consistently caught waves on a 9'0".

The solution, I traded my 7'5" fun board with Adam's 8'0"....and we hit it off. I am a weak paddler, but I can trim a wave fairly well...and with his board...I am able to catch a few waves in a session.

Last weekend was the first time I paddled out by myself to the lineup. Thankfully, the people there were kind enough to to give me some waves to catch (which majority of them I missed).

There are times I'd just sit there and stare at the ocean. I look into the vast unknown and feel....content. I feel that there is nothing else I need...that the present is where I am supposed to be. Surfing has taught me to let go of everything that scares me, and just let myself flow where life takes me. It helped me find myself. It taught me to simply be me. No matter if people do not agree or understand. 

And if they ask me the same thing I asked Adam:

 "What do you get from surfing anyway?? 

You'd tire yourself paddling out...and then you get a nasty wipe out...

what's the point in that? What makes you come back for more?"

I'd tell them the same thing:

"I don't know. I couldn't explain it. You'd know if you tried."

And now here I am packing our bags for the next surf trip...which is tomorrow. Happy weekend!

36/52

36/52

"A portrait of my daughter, once a week, every week, in 2014."

We had a fun weekend at the beach this weekend; this little girl had a blast too. She even asked her daddy to pack her "surfboard" (made with marine plywood) from tita Joan. We've been away from the sea for exactly 40 days...so my heart totally melted when I saw the joy in my little love's eyes.

She spent the weekend playing in the sand catching some mini crabs, practicing her paddle and pop-up on land...she also keeps telling the people she "loves to surf" even if she hasn't even started yet. Well, it's kind of good to be ambitious sometimes. Lol.

Adam and I are very thankful to have a girl who loves the sea. And we can never be grateful enough to the people who love her as much as we do.

35/52

35/52

"A portrait of my daughter, once a week, every week, in 2014."

This girl, what can I say...is such a burst of energy. While most parents would hope for a talented kid...I think mine's special. Why? Because she has an array of different accents she uses to speak! She easily mimics anything she hears...except...Filipino. We find it funny because we all speak Filipino in our home. One day she'll figure it out. I hope.

This weekend was quick and fun. We spent our Saturday at home; Bean played with her cousins and I got to chat up with mine. Catching up with my cousins really gives me so much release and peace to start my week right! Childhood has made me take for granted the time we lived in one big house. I miss them; I always do...especially AK.

Anyway, I took up a calligraphy workshop yesterday. It was so hard! I thought I'd do well because I really do have a good hand at script...and I use to hand-letter in my notebooks way back in high school...But calligraphy is a whole different league. My work was wobbly; and the ink was blotchy! But as one of the instructors said..."Practice makes permanent, not perfect." And here I am going gaga practicing. I have another workshop to attend later this month and I am very thankful to Adam who supports me in the things that I love. :)

So, while I was away from Bean torturing my hand writing for three hours...I am glad to hear she had a grand time with her daddy, my parents, my brothers, sister-in-law, and her cousin, Winter. I am always grateful to the people who makes our girl the happiest.

And oh, hello September! Christmas, I already feel you.

Cut

Originally posted on my Instagram post this morning:

"Bye bye long hair. See you in a year, maybe.

If I don't decide to cut this a bit shorter.

I had no intention of growing my hair long but

one day I found myself (again) 

being dependent on it to feel good about myself...like it's

length is a form of accomplishment.

Weird, I know; and it was kind of bringing me down.

It's weight was becoming close to unbearable.

So I let it go. And it makes me feel so light inside and out."

While I have yet to miss my long hair, I know one of these days I might think about that bun or braid...but never mind. I have come to realize that hair is just hair and it naturally grows back in most cases. I just really needed this...along with new hopes, dreams and plans.

When I was younger my dad would always tell me to think positive and reaffirm the things that I want to accomplish, have or do. He told me that one time he wanted to be able to buy this particular car so he put a picture of it on his desk. And everyday he would look at it and tell himself something like, "One day I will buy you. One day I will have you." So this inspired me to make a list of things I wish to do or dream to come true.

Bean's attending playschool sparked this. It came across my mind that by the time she goes to regular school I will have majority of nothing to do. I am a full time mom...when she's at school there will only be housework to do. I think I will have a hard time looking for a job that would give me freedom to go home early to take care of my daughter daily. Motherhood has hit me hard; I never knew this was who I was meant to be. Because of these thoughts I have new dreams and plans of doing something to earn extra to help my husband and keep me busy:

1. It has got to have something to do with art; I am an arts graduate anyway.

2. It should be very flexible that it can accommodate raising a kid (or kids in the future) because taking care of Bean is my priority.

3. I will start small and need to find the time to do it starting....now.

The details are very vague in my mind at present...but I have signed up for a few workshops that will help me make this a reality. I am excited and apprehensive at the same time. Good luck to me!

33 and 34/52 and some thoughts about school

33/52

             "A portrait of my daughter, once a week, every week, in 2014." 

These were taken a few weeks ago on a lazy morning. I have been late at posting in this space because of a number of things: 1. Busy occupying myself with things and home projects to do because of the flat spell; 2. Fixing my timetable for my plans regarding things art-associated (working around the chaos of a three year old!); 3. Organizing our little home; 4. Signing up for a few workshops (to be written about soon) and 4. Busy dreaming of the next surf trip.

Anyway, this particular morning I was able to make a quick doodle of a mermaid and hurriedly rendered it with watercolor while this little miss worked on her own art. I swear, she is getting good with her hands! Tonight, in particular,I left her with a few stencils with basic shapes; when I came back to check on her she used the circles and drew the characters from Pacman. Talk about being creative! I love how her face gets so serious when she's on to something. Every time she is coloring or painting she'd ask us, "Do you want to come inside my color factory shop? We can do so many things!"

34/52

These pictures were taken on her first day of playschool. Bean was so excited she asked me to snap tons of photos of her before we left. We thought she'd be awkward with other kids and the teacher because this experience is new to her; but, she did really well. The school allows and encourages parents to learn with their children in order to gradually wean them off of each other; also by this process the kid will be more independent. Our little girl had a blast! And while I was there guiding her, singing and dancing with her...deep inside I felt it--this hole that is beginning to grow in my heart because it finally true--my baby is now a big girl. And in the future when she goes to a bigger school without me...I'd miss all the days that the world would be just her and me. 

But that's okay. That is how life is supposed to be. We are happy enough knowing that she's having a blast growing and living life.

.

On other news, I cut my hair short for the third time in my long-haired history. It's a cycle. Grow my hair until it almost reaches my lower back and then cut it above the shoulders after a year or so. Sometimes it grows back fast; sometimes it doesn't. But I cut it for different reasons every time. First was because I lost my grandfather; second, I was having the postpartum blues, this time it is because the flat spell made me go crazy! Seriously, it is because I was starting to depend on my long hair to feel beautiful...and I don't like that. I took the plunge...and I feel so weightless.

Dear Diary

August 17, 2014

Health sucks lately. My headache is becoming a frequent thing and there hasn't been surf  in almost three weeks. But there are other things to look forward to like reading more books, school for Bean, and these classes I will be attending (which I will write about next time). I figured that there should always be a balance in everything. As much as we want to just surf there are other priorities and needs in our lives. 

But being away from the sea and the surf is slowly creeping in. There are moments I find myself in a daze, daydreaming of the last surf trip we had, recalling the feeling that gets me high. While I do wish to do this soon I am excited to see Bean attend school, at the same time, I am heartbroken because our baby is a baby no more. 

Another thing that I am working on is not being so hard on myself regarding working out. I am very obsessed about my routine ; but I realized that being a full-time mom I need to manage my time better. If I continue to be strict about this aspect of my life I will not have room to do anything else other than being a mother and doing yoga. So I have been taking it easy lately. I squeeze in an hour of painting or reading instead of an hour of yoga. Even if the voice inside my head keeps on telling me to obsess about it I am trying my best not to give in. 

The last week has been about arranging Bean's classes, cleaning the house, and talking to Adam about this minor renovation I want to do in our dining room (which is another thing I am quite ecstatic about). So I guess things are still looking up even when the world seems to be flat.

I really do miss and wish to surf soon. I haven't even been able to use my new rash guard yet!

J

32/52: Happy Birthday, Kid!

32/52

             "A portrait of my daughter, once a week, every week, in 2014." 

Bean has been referring to herself as a "kid" not a baby. Hence, Happy Birthday, kid! She turned three last August 9 and we had a mini celebration with family and friends the day after. I usually bake 60 cupcakes at this special time of the year; but because I get exhausted at this stage of motherhood (yep, meaning a mom to a highly energetic and talkative three-year old) we opted to have them and the cake ordered and customized. We have been asking her for the past month about what theme she would like and she's been begging us for a "Peppa Pig" party. So it shall be.

Also, she asked me a week before, "Can you buy me a dress for my birthday? I want it with pink buttons!" We took her to the mall and she shopped for herself! She can put an outfit together and I am liking her sense of fashion. It's kind of old school and dainty in contrast to her love for cars and 'surf'. 

Adam and I were surprised that Bean was a big help during the party preparations, mostly with the decorations. I wasn't sure about letting her help because I thought she'd just make a mess...but to my surprise she's very organized and can take directions well. We are so very lucky!!!

Bean's first guest is Ziva,

such a cutie! :)

I never really knew how much my heart could love so much until you, Bean. Nobody expected me to be the mothering kind...but we proved them wrong, didn't we? Lol. I think this is what I was born to do. It feels so natural to me. Though I miss art, photography (even surfing)...being your mom will always top the list!

Hello, pretty Winter!

Most, if not all, people tell me that my skin has gotten so dark already.

At first I got sad about it but now I look at it as a measurement of how much

fun the ocean and the surf gives me.

I am having so much fun indeed!

Bean is so in love with her cake that up until now she asks to stare at it at meal times.

We can eat the cake; but not touch the piggies.

Our little artist.

Little kids that have my heart.

One of the highlights of her day was tita Joan's gift! A month ago I posted a video

on Instagram asking her what she wants for her birthday to which she replied,

"A pink surfboard and a Go Pro."

One thing that really touched me were the gifts she got. I am so thankful for the thoughtfulness of family and friends giving her things that she'd surely use and enjoy. My heart is overflowing with love for each and everyone one of you who made Bean's birthday the best day ever!

P.S. Before she slept that night she asked her daddy, "Daddy, can you dance with me? The party isn't finished yet because we didn't dance." Isn't she the sweetest?