It's good getting back to normal. Since June, I haven't really been really feeling like myself. When the sea and the surf is there I feel nothing. Empty. Luckily, if you have a husband like Adam, he'd be picking it up soon enough. So he planned this trip specifically for me. He told me to take my time and to stop looking at my watch. "Surf as much as you want and don't think about me. Just enjoy. Surf for fun."

As we were packing and getting ready, Adam received a message from his longtime friend, Aaron, asking to meet up. As we've already planned the trip, he tried asking his friend if he'd like to join us. And it was great that he did, for the stoke you get from surfing is multiplied when share it. I also noted to ask Krisha (JP's friend we met last year) because I have seen how much she's interested since we pushed her into her first few waves almost a year ago.

The morning we arrived, waves were around knee-high. Perfect for Aaron and Krisha. It was nice for me, too, to have a chill session and to get my confidence back in the water. I had a good two hours in there. The first wave I caught was a wipe out, but then I have gotten myself back together. Not to push myself to my limit, I let Adam surf for the rest of the day.

I was quite surprised how much Aaron and Krisha enjoyed that they signed up for more lessons! And it feels quite nice to see them stoked because two years ago, that was me. I saw myself in them. I used to be the happiest surfer in the lineup; and then I got caught up with so many things and so many negative people that I just lost it.

And I am thankful to the people who continuously help me find my way back.

The day after, the swell was a bit bigger. Also, JP left the city early to catch up with us and we're glad that he did. Everybody had fun, and I really really missed that feeling.

Now we're back in the city looking forward for the next trip, and our "surf family" that's getting bigger.

letting go and getting there

The days are passing slowly in contrast to the whirlwind of last year where almost all weekends were surf trips. We have been talking about it and as much as we like the line "surfing is everything," it really isn't so. My first priority, still, is being the best mother I could be. And I love it. I love it, so.

And although we are not taking care of a baby anymore, but raising a kid, it's still all sorts of fun. Most afternoons after school are spent doing art, playing, reading, baking...and other forms of creative play.

And I am very proud of my husband for providing us with this kind of life. Sometimes we know it seems as if surfing is on top of our priority list, it is not. It's still family and parenthood. Let me share a little bit of reality: I asked Adam if I could have a work desk in our home, nothing extravagant, just anywhere I can write and paint. When I still had a job online I was working on the floor, in the dining area or on the bed. But three years ago we were still figuring out how to budget his salary, so he told me we had to wait to get a desk. Three years later, he got me a simple desk and chair...and I am so happy and grateful! It took three years to get a desk but in those three years we were able to surf, go to a few yoga classes, go on trips to Hong Kong, Cambodia, Bali, and Singapore; we were able to meet all of Bean's needs...and some of our "wants."

In my previous post I wrote that I am taking a break from surfing because I have been disheartened somewhat...but reflecting on it...about the how simple life is if we choose not to complicate it...I am letting go.

"Sometimes what we learn

and who we become in the process of waiting

is even more important 

than what we are waiting for."

Just like those three years of waiting to get a desk. I will just enjoy my journey. I will surf for the fun of it, and take whatever comes my way. No more pressure. 

dear surfing: it's not you; it's me

Lately, things got a little saturated for me. It is like I am swimming in the ocean not knowing where to go. I feel confused and tired all the time. And I know it's not anything else, but me. It's not yoga, it's not Bean going to school, it's not surfing....it's just me. I want to go back to basics--feeling all the excitement and happiness in every situation.

We went on a surf trip yesterday; believe me, I wanted to feel the enthusiasm but lately it just isn't there. Don't get me wrong, there is no plan of quitting surfing for me. I just lost my groove and that's all. I opened this up with Adam, too. I told him I wanted to go back to the very beginning when the point of surfing was happiness and not anything else.

We left the city at around 3 in the morning and arrived with an empty lineup. If I were my normal self I would be so glad and so ready to get into the water...but I took my time and told Adam and JP to go in first. I sat on the shore with Bean. She played with her bugs and I helped her build a shelter for them. I also got took taking pictures from time to time. When I see them surfing, I feel a little bit envious because I want to be out there. I am longing to catch those waves...but at the same time I feel so exhausted. Burnt out.

JP got out of the water first and told me he'd gladly look out for Bean so I can have my turn. And so I went. I stood there looking at the sea for a while. The way the lines form from afar....building up as they get near...it gives me a rush. I paddled out and took my time. By the time I reached Adam the wind was picking up. You have to give extra effort in paddling as the offshore wind would push you back. We couldn't even see anything as water would get sprayed on our faces. I was only out for about twenty minutes.

I just wasn't feeling it and I want to accept it. I have to. We had a lunch of freshly caught squid and prawns. Even Bean ate a very full meal. After that I let the boys have their fun. I sat on the shore playing with my daughter and scribbling things in my journal.

The wind was so harsh that an "abandoned" surfboard flew in our direction. I didn't see it coming as I was shielding Bean from the sand which was being blown hard into our skin, and as I turned my head to look where a swooshing sound was coming from, what I saw was a 9"0' coming at us. There was nothing to do. I took the blow on my right cheek and jaw. Better me than our girl.

It was then that I realized what disheartened me in my surf journey. It's because I let other people affect me. To be honest, I like surfers who surf because it's their passion, because it gives them such happiness that it will rub off on you. And I miss people like that. Instead of criticizing me, judging me even before getting to know me...I wish some people would just let me be. Because when I knew nothing they were happy; and when I learned people just seemed to hate me.

This has got to stop. Adam keeps on reminding me to disregard them. "Don't mind them. Don't mind me even. Surf for yourself. Be happy."

After this trip I promised myself to get back on my feet; start over. "Should you ever find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, smallness, or insecurities, remember, things could be worse...you could be them." Note to self. Letting go of excess baggage. Bye bye!

Dearest surfing:

And hopefully I get my groove back soon.

this journey

Lately, I haven't been writing in this blog; I haven't even picked up my camera for the longest of time. There isn't much that I am able to do. I haven't been myself lately you see. And everything inside me has been in a state of chaos, to be honest.

Most of the time the feeling of helplessness and confusion are my constant companions. I seem to be functioning mechanically for a couple of months now. Passion has been slipping away. Come to think of it, about a year ago I was having the time of my life!

Yoga helped me come to terms with myself and finally I learned to accept the way I am. Surfing drove me crazy--it was like love at first sight! Art and photography was there to help me express all the feelings and thoughts that is in me. And being a mother and wife was the highlight of my existence. I was..."was" happy. So happy that nothing else mattered.

But these days I can use the word "hag" to describe me. Snappy, in a foul mood, with a loss of patience. Understanding also left me. I have been feeling broken and run down.

And it is good that a few days ago I had opened this up with Adam. I was afraid that my constant denial would turn it into one of those big arguments....but I finally realized that this person I chose to spend the rest of my life with knows me better than I know myself. Because he could see that the trouble has been stirring inside me for quite a while now.

So then and there, in the car, under the heat of the morning sun, I cried my heart out. I have lost all the passion in me because lately I have been doing the things I love for the wrong reasons.

I have been doing yoga because I wanted to surf stronger; not because it made me feel good. Because I had the obsession of doing it every day to build my strength, even with my injuries so I hurt myself more in the process.

I have had a series of unfortunate surf sessions not because the conditions were bad or that my skills degraded....but I realized that lately I haven't been surfing for myself. I let all the criticisms and unimportant comments of people affect me. I was surfing for them and not for me. A year ago you could easily see me happy in the lineup and it didn't even matter if I caught a wave at all.

I have been a grumpy mom and wife at home because I let other people's opinions and actions affect my judgement and mood. I always worry about the acceptance of people. I always wondered why individuals I thought were friends cared none for me at all.

I haven't been writing honestly in this space and often edit my words because I am afraid to be judged and hated.

But does it really matter?

"No. It doesn't matter. They don't matter. What matters is us. You, me and our little girl. And that should be reason enough for you to be happy. Stop thinking about other people because we started this journey with just US. And we will continue to do so."

Those are Adam's words. And whenever I stumble and fall he is always there to pick me up. He has always been putting me back together, and it dawned on me that it is about time I listened. It is tiring to invest in people who will not (or who would not) do the same for you.

So, let's go!

"You are fierce. You're a survivor. 

You're a fighter through and through. 

Little brave, breathe.

 There is a warrior within you."