Lately, things got a little saturated for me. It is like I am swimming in the ocean not knowing where to go. I feel confused and tired all the time. And I know it's not anything else, but me. It's not yoga, it's not Bean going to school, it's not surfing....it's just me. I want to go back to basics--feeling all the excitement and happiness in every situation.
We went on a surf trip yesterday; believe me, I wanted to feel the enthusiasm but lately it just isn't there. Don't get me wrong, there is no plan of quitting surfing for me. I just lost my groove and that's all. I opened this up with Adam, too. I told him I wanted to go back to the very beginning when the point of surfing was happiness and not anything else.
We left the city at around 3 in the morning and arrived with an empty lineup. If I were my normal self I would be so glad and so ready to get into the water...but I took my time and told Adam and JP to go in first. I sat on the shore with Bean. She played with her bugs and I helped her build a shelter for them. I also got took taking pictures from time to time. When I see them surfing, I feel a little bit envious because I want to be out there. I am longing to catch those waves...but at the same time I feel so exhausted. Burnt out.
JP got out of the water first and told me he'd gladly look out for Bean so I can have my turn. And so I went. I stood there looking at the sea for a while. The way the lines form from afar....building up as they get near...it gives me a rush. I paddled out and took my time. By the time I reached Adam the wind was picking up. You have to give extra effort in paddling as the offshore wind would push you back. We couldn't even see anything as water would get sprayed on our faces. I was only out for about twenty minutes.
I just wasn't feeling it and I want to accept it. I have to. We had a lunch of freshly caught squid and prawns. Even Bean ate a very full meal. After that I let the boys have their fun. I sat on the shore playing with my daughter and scribbling things in my journal.
The wind was so harsh that an "abandoned" surfboard flew in our direction. I didn't see it coming as I was shielding Bean from the sand which was being blown hard into our skin, and as I turned my head to look where a swooshing sound was coming from, what I saw was a 9"0' coming at us. There was nothing to do. I took the blow on my right cheek and jaw. Better me than our girl.
It was then that I realized what disheartened me in my surf journey. It's because I let other people affect me. To be honest, I like surfers who surf because it's their passion, because it gives them such happiness that it will rub off on you. And I miss people like that. Instead of criticizing me, judging me even before getting to know me...I wish some people would just let me be. Because when I knew nothing they were happy; and when I learned people just seemed to hate me.
This has got to stop. Adam keeps on reminding me to disregard them. "Don't mind them. Don't mind me even. Surf for yourself. Be happy."
After this trip I promised myself to get back on my feet; start over. "Should you ever find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, smallness, or insecurities, remember, things could be worse...you could be them." Note to self. Letting go of excess baggage. Bye bye!
Dearest surfing:
And hopefully I get my groove back soon.
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