Lately, I haven't been writing in this blog; I haven't even picked up my camera for the longest of time. There isn't much that I am able to do. I haven't been myself lately you see. And everything inside me has been in a state of chaos, to be honest.
Most of the time the feeling of helplessness and confusion are my constant companions. I seem to be functioning mechanically for a couple of months now. Passion has been slipping away. Come to think of it, about a year ago I was having the time of my life!
Yoga helped me come to terms with myself and finally I learned to accept the way I am. Surfing drove me crazy--it was like love at first sight! Art and photography was there to help me express all the feelings and thoughts that is in me. And being a mother and wife was the highlight of my existence. I was..."was" happy. So happy that nothing else mattered.
But these days I can use the word "hag" to describe me. Snappy, in a foul mood, with a loss of patience. Understanding also left me. I have been feeling broken and run down.
And it is good that a few days ago I had opened this up with Adam. I was afraid that my constant denial would turn it into one of those big arguments....but I finally realized that this person I chose to spend the rest of my life with knows me better than I know myself. Because he could see that the trouble has been stirring inside me for quite a while now.
So then and there, in the car, under the heat of the morning sun, I cried my heart out. I have lost all the passion in me because lately I have been doing the things I love for the wrong reasons.
I have been doing yoga because I wanted to surf stronger; not because it made me feel good. Because I had the obsession of doing it every day to build my strength, even with my injuries so I hurt myself more in the process.
I have had a series of unfortunate surf sessions not because the conditions were bad or that my skills degraded....but I realized that lately I haven't been surfing for myself. I let all the criticisms and unimportant comments of people affect me. I was surfing for them and not for me. A year ago you could easily see me happy in the lineup and it didn't even matter if I caught a wave at all.
I have been a grumpy mom and wife at home because I let other people's opinions and actions affect my judgement and mood. I always worry about the acceptance of people. I always wondered why individuals I thought were friends cared none for me at all.
I haven't been writing honestly in this space and often edit my words because I am afraid to be judged and hated.
But does it really matter?
"No. It doesn't matter. They don't matter. What matters is us. You, me and our little girl. And that should be reason enough for you to be happy. Stop thinking about other people because we started this journey with just US. And we will continue to do so."
Those are Adam's words. And whenever I stumble and fall he is always there to pick me up. He has always been putting me back together, and it dawned on me that it is about time I listened. It is tiring to invest in people who will not (or who would not) do the same for you.
So, let's go!
"You are fierce. You're a survivor.
You're a fighter through and through.
Little brave, breathe.
There is a warrior within you."
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