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"A portrait of my daughter, once a week,
every week, in 2014."
Oh, Bean! What can I say? You sure are growing up a little too fast. What really astounds me is how well you can talk, and where you got your British accent. Most days are full of questions from you. "Mommy, why are you not growing like me?" "Mommy are you a piggy?" "Mommy, are you finished with your work?" "Are you finished eating?" "Mommy, can you please play with me? Pretty please?" "Can I choose my shoes?" "Where's daddy and what is he doing?" "Do you love me? Are you sure? Do you love me forever?" And you aren't even three years old! I swear, you skipped the baby talk and communicated so well.
Honestly, since she went to her cousin Jammie's school...she has always asked when she will go to school. I take this as an opportunity to have a break away from motherhood and focus on myself even for just a few hours in a day; but deep inside...I am not ready. And when that day comes I know I will probably cry. You see, motherhood was so unexpected for me.
Back in college I always told myself it will always be a career-driven life for me. I didn't want to get married nor have kids because I am too selfish for that. I wanted success and control over everything in my life. I didn't want to be responsible for anyone else because being responsible for myself was already so exhausting. But as I grew older each year things started to get boring. It wasn't about the job I had, nor the friends... I just felt so empty being by myself. Yes, I had money...and I can buy the things I wanted...but I think my life was looking for something more meaningful than that.
When I was younger I laughed whenever I read in magazines how mothers would always say that "you are never a woman until you become a mother" or "you will never feel fulfilled until you become a mother." I thought that was just a consolation for bored mothers at home. I was so wrong.
There is a different kind of fulfillment in being a mother. There is a different kind of pride and confidence. Now I understand what unconditional love is, and now I know the meaning of sacrifice. Being a mommy brought new meaning into my life, and a deeper connection to the relationships that I have.
I think that motherhood is indeed my calling. It doesn't matter how much my back hurts from carrying my daughter since day one. It doesn't matter if I am left with a hoarse voice from singing and telling stories all day. I don't mind doing all the things I want like reading, watching movies, writing, working, etc. in the wee hours of the night. And we don't mind that dates are less and lugging around a toddler on surf trips....because no matter how tired I get, there is no other reward than seeing my daughter well taken care of, healthy and happy.
“Sometimes when you pick up your child
you can feel the map of your own bones beneath your hands,
or smell the scent of your skin in the nape of his neck.
This is the most extraordinary thing about motherhood -
finding a piece of yourself separate and apart
that all the same you could not live without.”
-Jodi Picoult, Perfect Match
I asked Adam to take my picture this afternoon because nothing has made me felt whole and more beautiful than being a mother. I hope all mothers and mothers-to-be had a special day today.
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